#1
This is a song ive been working on for a while now.
its about a recent break up i went through with a girl i was dating for 3 and a half years. I've thrown in symbols here and there, so it is somewhat symbolic of the relationship. The first verse represents when we were dating and how i would like her back, and the rest of the song is about the breakup

constructive criticism is always welcome!!

2 Years Gone, 10 Years Later

the verses are played clean, then add a little bit of distortion for first two choruses and bridge, then add quite a bit of distortion for the last chorus

Verse 1:

i watched the sun, come up around us, as we laid in bed
i held you close, to hear your heartbeat, as you whispered in my ear
you said "please dont", "please dont leave me"and i said i never would
so here i am now, singing my plea, please consider if you could

Main Chorus:

do you remember
when we were young
and we laid out in this
empty meadow

well here we are
ten years later
will you feel the same
way you did that night

Verse 2:

i watched the city, glow with fire, and burn up to the sky
i saw the fear, rain down upon you, and shoot into your eyes
i watched the skyline, as it drew closer, to bury me again
i watched the sun, go down around me, as i laid alone in bed

and as i lay here, please don't forget me, i swear i didn't know
that this one song, will be the last thing, you hear before you go
**guitar riff to fill up the extra two counts before going into the chorus**

Main Chorus:

do you remember
when we were young
and we laid out in this
empty meadow

well here we are
ten years later
will you feel the same
way you did that night

Bridge:

**no words, but has the guitar riff from second verse along with two other guitars playing riffs that blend well together**

Last Chorus w/ distortion:

[do you remember
when we were young
and we laid out in this
empty meadow

well here we are
ten years later
will you feel the same
way you did that night]

[I know its broken
but i can fix this
just give me time
and i know ill make it

i know you want this
i can sense it
if you let me
i can make it better]

[all i wanted
all i needed
was to have you
right here next to me

but now you're gone
and im left standing
all alone in this
burning city]

[come back to me
im still waiting
you never told me
that you were leaving

we kissed goodbye
sunday night
**monday morning**
you were gone for good]

**this line can either be as it is or i could use "next thing i know". i just liked how the "monday morning line plays in with the "sunday night" to show how she dumped me out of the blue, we weren't arguing or anything**

i was thinking about playing the last chorus as is, then have over lapping vocals sing each count of the last chorus (each count is separated by "[" and"]"). just an idea im working with

like i said

constructive criticism is always welcome, and very much appreciated
#2
this is pretty good actually. Alot of the time people post on here poems that they would like to act as lyrics and focus too much on the ryhming and making suring things sound the same. I really enjoyed the read, and the notes made it instantly playable/singable in my ear.

I'LL MAKE THE FEW SUGGESTIONS THAT I'D SUGGEST IN CAPS:

i watched the sun come up ALL around us WHILE WE WERE LYING THERE
i held you close to hear A heartbeat AND you BEGAN TO whispered in my ear
"please don't LEAVE" YOU SAID "dont leave me" and i said i never would
so here i STAND now, singing my plea, please consider if you could

--I WASN'T OVERALLY THRILLED WITH THE BEGINING ACTUALLY. I MEAN IT PROVED IT'S POINT, GOT THE BALL ROLLING AND ACTED AS A PRETTY GOOD FOUNDATION, BUT I THINK IF YOU'D STAYED A LITTLE MORE VAGUE IT WOULD BETTER SUIT WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO I WOULD THINK WHICH IS MAKE A PERSONAL SITUATION RELATABLE TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE. YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT THIS IS AN OVERDONE SUBJECT, SO IT HAS TO BE GREAT TO LEAVE IT'S MARK.

do you remember
when we were young
and we laid out in this
empty meadow

well here we are
ten years later
will you feel the same
way you did that night

--CHORUS WAS DECENT. FOLLOWS THE SAME LINE AS THE V1, SOLID, BUT NOT GREAT. IT HAS THE POTENTIAL FOR A GREAT HOOK THOUGH. I INSTANTLY STARTED TAPPING IT OUT, AND THAT'S A GOOD THINK I WOULD THINK. THE LAST LINE IN THE FIRST PART THERE WAS A LITTLE AWKWARD. TOO FEW SYLABOLS OR SOMETHING. NOT A GREAT TRANSITION WITH PUTTING "WAY" IN THE LAST LINE, SINCE I NATUALLY PAUSED WITH THE LINE BREAK. GOOD THOUGH.

i watched the city, glow with fire, and burn up to the sky
i saw the fear, rain down upon you, and shoot into your eyes
i watched the skyline, as it drew closer, to bury me again
i watched the sun, go down around me, as i laid alone in bed

--FIRST THREE LINES ARE PRETTY COOL ACTUALLY. I GOT CONFUSED SINCE THE WHOLE "CITY" THING CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. BUT I PRESUME IT MORE OF "WE FELL IN LOVE IN THE COUNTRY, LIVED IN THE CITY" TYPE OF THING. IF THAT'S THE CASE, NOT BAD. THE LAST LINE IS WEAK. VERY OVERDONE, A PRETTY GOOD STABLE IN MOST SONGS, THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY TO SAY THAT WITH A BIT MORE ORIGINALITY.

and as i lay here, please don't forget me, i swear i didn't know
that this one song, will be the last thing, you hear before you go
**guitar riff to fill up the extra two counts before going into the chorus**

--I LIKE THIS PART, NOT SURE IF THE SONG IS READY FOR MORE GUITAR SINCE AS I READ BELOW MORE IS COMING. SUPPOSE IT DEPENDS ON HOW FAST YOU'LL BE SINGING IT. IT STARTED TO LOSE IT'S LUSTER HERE THOUGH, AND YOU "LAYING" IS BECOMING A BIT TIRED I LIKE THE IDEA, BUT YOU KEEP USING THE SAME WORDS YOU KNOW. ALTHOUGH THIS PART IS AS CLICHE AS IT GETS, I THINK IT STILL FITS WELL WITH THE PIECE.

do you remember
when we were young
and we laid out in this
empty meadow

well here we are
ten years later
will you feel the same
way you did that night

Bridge:

**no words, but has the guitar riff from second verse along with two other guitars playing riffs that blend well together**

Last Chorus w/ distortion:

[do you remember
when we were young
and we laid out in this
empty meadow

well here we are
ten years later
will you feel the same
way you did that night]

[I know its broken
but i can fix this
just give me time
and i know ill make it

i know you want this
i can sense it
if you let me
i can make it better]

-- I THINK THIS PART IS PRETTY WELL WRITTEN. I MEAN, I WAS HOPING FOR A "I CAN MAKE IT ON MY OWN" ENDING, BUT I DO THAT WITH ALL THESE TYPES OF SONGS. I CAN SEE IT KIND OF GETTING SING SONGY THOUGH SINCE IT'S PRETTY LONG THIS SECTION AND THE RHYMING SCHEME IS WELL FOLLOWED. I THINK IF I WAS YOU, I'D CUT THIS DOWN TO THE BARE MINIMUMS THAT YOU WOULD NEED LYRICALLY TO GET THE POINT ACCROSS, AND JUST PLAY THE **** OUT OF THE GUITARS. HAHA

[all i wanted
all i needed
was to have you
right here next to me

but now you're gone
and im left standing
all alone in this
burning city]

-- LOVE THE BURNING CITY REFERENCE. WISH YOU WOULD DO MORE WITH IT. MUCH MORE INTERESTING THAN THE "ALL I NEED, ALL I WANT IS YOU" STUFF. THIS PART IS STILL WRITTEN WELL, JUST DOESN'T BLOW ME AWAY.

[come back to me
im still waiting
you never told me
that you were leaving

we kissed goodbye
sunday night
**monday morning**
you were gone for good]

--LOVED THE ENDING. I DON'T CARE FOR THE SUNDAY/MONDAY WORDS, JUST BECAUSE IT LIMITS THE POTENTIAL. HOWEVER, THE END OF THE WEEKDEND DOES MAKE SENSE. I PERSOBALLY DIDN'T LIKE "COME BACK TO ME I'M STILL WAITING" BUT THAT'S JUST PERSONAL PREFERENCE. I THINK YOU MADE IT CLEAR WITH THE REST OF THE PEACE THAT YOU WOULD WELCOME THEM BACK. WHY SAY IT AGAIN YOU KNOW?

Overall man, like I said, this is some of the most well thought out "lyrics" I've seen on here. Not the most well written, but really songs are about a connection, not how well your tongue can deliver them. I like the simple wording and the good use of imagary with the 'city' stuff and the meadows and that sort of thing. I think it's a little words for a song though, unless it's a piano balad. Plus, all that distortion doesn't really afford a bunch of great lyrics you know. Good start though. You done well. Keep it up, would love to read more of your stuff in the future.

here's mine, if your so inclined: http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=839540
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