#1
one step shallow
another deep
she's keeping secrets

we went to the lake
but I found myself in
unexpected waters
lapping at my calf
suddenly my knee
in half a sec
wrapping my neck
like a jumper

but the blue's usually calming
clear and calming
a quick nap
on the beach
gentle ripples run
with every reach
for duck-tail and fish
that know I'm there

I find myself so far out
treading on great weight
salt cutting lips
and eye full of grit
horizon gone
washed away
a tidal wave of blue
now hangs above and below
a mile either way

only another second
and I'm in the belly
of the lake
down and deep, very deep
where there's no pull
but a push
just effortless calm
solemn and silent
everything whispers
the murk like cotton

gently, gently climb up
little bubbles of life escape
and there's a sense of despair
until the sky breaks through the brim
red and yellows and healthier blues flood
with warmth in the glow of the open
paddle back with arms
until the ground runs up

one step shallow
another deep
I swear she's keeping secrets


C4C.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Apr 20, 2008,
#2
Thank you for the comment on my piece. I always liked the idea of drowning. On the outside it looks dreadful ,but some what exciting, sort of like drugs. On the inside I bet it is calm and soothing, sort of like drugs. It sounds like this guy slowly got himself into a giant mess.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#3
one step shallow
another deep
she's keeping secrets

we went to the lake
but I found myself in
unexpected waters
lapping at my calf
suddenly my knee
in half a sec
wrapping my neck
like a jumper
I really liked this. Fresh, short, original. Apart from "sec", which was painful to read, even if for the rhyme, I thought that this had immense potential to be both a song and a poem. It was such a surprise from you, just because to be honest, I sometimes find your ideas to be too complex to put to words. But I loved this.

but the blue's usually calming
clear and calming
a quick nap
on the beach
gentle ripples run
with every reach
for duck-tail and fish
that know I'm there
Again, Jamie, this was really well done. I couldn't have guessed the lines, they were original, they felt genuine, it made me picture scenes with little words to the description. Really good work on this. Flow, rhythm, wording... everything.

I find myself so far out
treading on great weight
salt cutting lips
and eye full of grit
horizon gone
washed away
a tidal wave of blue
now hangs above and below
a mile either way
Some of your complexity comes through here, especially in lines like "horizon gone", "a tidal wave of blue", it's like you see a picture and you put it to words, but the reader can never get the full meaning, and thus not completely enjoy it. Saying that, it was still dancing on the obscure general feeling behind the words, so I thought it actually worked, because the descriptions allowed the reader to take their own interpretation out of it.

only another second
and I'm in the belly
of the lake
down and deep, very deep
where there's no pull
but a push
just effortless calm
solemn and silent
everything whispers
the murk like cotton

gently, gently climb up
little bubbles of life escape
and there's a sense of despair
until the sky breaks through the brim
red and yellows and healthier blues flood
with warmth in the glow of the open
paddle back with arms
until the ground runs up
Though these two stanzas had strong lines in them, I thought they could have been shortened and actually probably made one. I just felt that in comparesant to the rest of the piece, these bits kind of stood still for me. Too much description and not much coming out of it. Basically, for me, just keep the good line and cut this part down.

one step shallow
another deep
I swear she's keeping secrets
The perfect way to end this piece.

I really liked it Jamie, I'm not sure if you meant for it to be a song or a poem, but it will work either way for me. I loved your descriptions, I thought that you built up the story well and it was very fresh and original for me.
This is not a pipe
#4
Too much description and not much coming out of it.

In that second stanza there, the extra description and verboseness was there to emphasise the struggle in swimming up.

Btw, you have no idea how much your praise makes me smile.

Thank you Carmel.

You too Nick. Cheers buddy.
#5
Quote by Jammydude44
Deep of the Belly

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

one step shallow
another deep
she's keeping secrets

we went to the lake
but I found myself in
unexpected waters
lapping at my calf
suddenly my knee
in half a sec
wrapping my neck
like a jumper

Basically I'm going to echo what Carmel said here. I seen the "sec" as being kinda out of place. I loved the secrets line, though, that's so down to earth.

but the blue's usually calming
clear and calming
a quick nap
on the beach
gentle ripples run
with every reach
for duck-tail and fish
that know I'm there

I find myself so far out
treading on great weight
salt cutting lips
and eye full of grit
horizon gone
washed away
a tidal wave of blue
now hangs above and below
a mile either way

These two stanzas were well done. However; out of the two, I felt like the imagery used in the third stanza was better by a long shot. I guess maybe because you're starting to enter in to the "point" of the piece? I don't know.

only another second
and I'm in the belly
of the lake
down and deep, very deep
where there's no pull
but a push
just effortless calm
solemn and silent
everything whispers
the murk like cotton

So, this is a lake? Since when is there salt water lakes? - please excuse me if that was a dumb comment. Don't get me wrong, I liked all of the other imagery; but if I'm right, then that contradiction is definitely the sore thumb of this poem.

gently, gently climb up
little bubbles of life escape
and there's a sense of despair
until the sky breaks through the brim
red and yellows and healthier blues flood
with warmth in the glow of the open
paddle back with arms
until the ground runs up

one step shallow
another deep
I swear she's keeping secrets

I'm such a fan of the "secrets" lines.


All in all, I really liked this alot. You've got to be careful when talking about a topic such as drowning; it can come off as rather cliche. - And you were careful. Besides the "salt water/lake" contradiction(if that's even presumable), this was extremely well executed.

Well done man, thanks for the read.

EDIT: Thank you for the comment on my piece - means alot.

EDIT:EDIT: Forget what I said about the drowning, I re-read it. *lighting up cigarette*
Last edited by ottoavist at Apr 24, 2008,
#7
its nice. its a little overtly heady which makes it come off kind of gimmicky. lines like duck-tails and the 'we went to the lake' come off as either too descriptive or just mundane in their usage. the length is kind of an issue in my opinion in that you aren't really presenting a lot of new imagery through out the piece and kind of staying stagnant. i'd prefer the piece if it was more concise and perhaps a little more descriptive and 'daring' with its metaphor. still, you have some good ideas here so nice job.
#8
At least I'm trying, right?
Quote by Jammydude44

one step shallow
another deep
she's keeping secrets
Just let me say this started off very effectively.

we went to the lake
but I found myself in
unexpected waters
lapping at my calf
suddenly my knee
in half a sec
wrapping my neck
like a jumper
I'm unsure about the "we went to the lake" line. it makes the imagery so obvious, it might kill it for a few readers. I'd reword "in half a sec" "half a second". I like the addition of the last line. Good transition and continuation so far. The flow is also great, but you already know that.

but the blue's usually calming
clear and calming
a quick nap
on the beach
gentle ripples run
with every reach
for duck-tail and fish
that know I'm there
Very effective repetition. I hated "beach". The feeling it evokes contradict the overall mood of the piece, to me. If it didn't ruin your rhyme, I'd strongly suggest changing it to "shore". I was disappointed by the ending of that stanza here. Seemed like a filler. "for duck-tail and fish that know I'm here"? Yes, and...? I don't know.

I find myself so far out
treading on great weight
salt cutting lips
and eye full of grit
horizon gone
washed away
a tidal wave of blue
now hangs above and below
a mile either way
for some reason, "and an eye full of grit" seemed to have a better flow for me. Interesting stanza, huge change in tone though. It seems a bit disconnected. I know it's the carrying away part, etc, but I felt like you could have done this in different ways and still made it more interesting. I'm impressed that ABCA away/way didn't sound lame. Good job.

only another second
and I'm in the belly
of the lake
down and deep, very deep
where there's no pull
but a push
just effortless calm
solemn and silent
everything whispers
the murk like cotton
I loved the last 4 lines to their core. I hated what you had before, though. The repetition was ineffective to me, and "the belly" sounded way off. For the second time, it seems like a filler. Actually, re-reading it over and over again, maybe going without line 4 could help a lot.

gently, gently climb up
little bubbles of life escape
and there's a sense of despair
until the sky breaks through the brim
red and yellows and healthier blues flood
with warmth in the glow of the open
paddle back with arms
until the ground runs up
Interesting imagery. Great capture of emotion here. No qualms, I didn't mind the repetition too much.

one step shallow
another deep
I swear she's keeping secrets
Great, great repetition of the opening, it takes a newfound depth. However, the length of the piece in between kind of weakens the effect.

C4C.


Overall, I thought the word repetitions were somewhat clumsy, and this might have dragged on a little too long. It was excellent, though. Great, great read.

Sorry for taking so long and for this not even being really good of a critique.

I still love reading you.