#1
Trying my hand at poetry, again... c4c.

I uprooted her after
deciding that her bark truly was
worse than any bite she could offer.
She was an ugly tree, the type that
has un-symmetric bark running cross-ways
and slant-ways; accented by contorted branches
swaying out of sync with each other.

"My dear:
sincerity leads to prosperity,
prosperity leads to jocularity,
jocularity leads to AIDS.
And AIDS, well that leads to erosion and
rotten roots down below."

She smiled, in all the ways I'd assumed
she couldn't:
bright, but grimaced;
wide, but shallow;
genuine, but forced.
"I don't have AIDS..."

My face turned stone,
not even a hopeful blink.

Her smile faded,
leaving only her ugly bark.
Last edited by ZanasCross at Apr 21, 2008,
#3
bump.

hey, i got your PM, but i'm drunker than the "that guy" at a party right now.
So, basically........I'll be back to crit.
#4
I actually kind of thought that this was a mess...there was little that was subtle, needlessly brash at times, and I don't know, I don't mean to bash this, it just...

I guess one thing I do like about this is the title....sorry man.
#5
Quote by streetcarp19
I actually kind of thought that this was a mess...there was little that was subtle, needlessly brash at times, and I don't know, I don't mean to bash this, it just...

I guess one thing I do like about this is the title....sorry man.

You have to be kidding me....This piece was so deep and filled with turns. I'd give it a 5/5.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#6
I'll be back, because I owe you bajillions (but not as much as I could ever owe jamie) but I agree with Carpy, it seemed thrown together and shallow. I hated the chainsaw thing, hated it. Like I said, I'll be back, because there were parts that I definintely liked but overall... meh.
#7
I uprooted her after
deciding that her bark truly was
worse than any bite she could offer.
She was an ugly tree, the type that
has un-symmetric bark running cross-ways
and slant-ways; accented by contorted branches
swaying out of sync with each other and
the world.

I don't like the use of un-symmetric. It doesn't read well enough to fit in to poetry in my opinion. And I don't think it works as a legitimate descriptive here because since when has any tree had symmetric bark? Also "and the world" just seems like a cheap addition you threw on the end. I don't see how it helps the piece at all. The first three lines were good. Nice opener.

"My dear:
sincerity leads to prosperity,
prosperity leads to jocularity,
jocularity leads to AIDS.
And AIDS, well that leads to rotten roots
and erosion down below."

One suggestion for this is to switch it to "erosion and rotten roots..." because it flows better in my opinion and makes more sense to list the single word before the paired words. Also personally I think it's important when you use dialogue to make sure it's as if someone was actually saying it, but I can't imagine anyone ever saying this in conversation. Something to consider anyways.

She smiled, in all the ways I'd assumed
she couldn't:
bright, but grimaced;
wide, but shallow;
genuine, but forced.
"I don't have AIDS..."

"I'd assumed" reads kind of awkwardly, but it's not horrible. The whole direct contradiction thing is a bit overdone, especially when it's this obvious.

"Sex is much like a chainsaw, dear.
A lot of fun to play with, but there's
always a chance it will slice into your
trunk, and make a coffin out of you."

I didn't like this. And does she know that she's being compared to a tree? because up to this point it hasn't been part of the dialogue other than the "roots" comment, so this might not make sense to use as part of the conversation... unless I'm missing something. Either way this stanza feels like you're forcing the metaphor too much at this point.

Her smile faded,
leaving only her ugly bark.

This ending is okay. Nothing too exciting.

All in all I felt like this could work, but it didn't feel natural at all. Keep going with the poetry though and eventually that should fix itself.

I hope this helped a little. And thanks for the bump, comments, and bump on my piece.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Apr 21, 2008,
#8
Quote by ZanasCross

I uprooted her after
deciding that her bark truly was
worse than any bite she could offer.
She was an ugly tree, the type that
has un-symmetric bark running cross-ways
and slant-ways; accented by contorted branches
swaying out of sync with each other and
the world.


This was alright. I think you should probably position "truly" after "was"
rather than the way you have it right now; I just think it'd read better. Also, I think
it could do without everything after the comma preceeding "ugly tree" and before
"accented;" you made you're point about the bark with the sentences before.


"My dear:
sincerity leads to prosperity,
prosperity leads to jocularity,
jocularity leads to AIDS.
And AIDS, well that leads to rotten roots
and erosion down below."

This is a very interesting dialogue. I'm indifferent to this....I
don't know whether I like it or not. It fits, but it just seems like
it's "too well spoken" for how the poem's structure is built.
Even still, I don't think I would touch it.


She smiled, in all the ways I'd assumed
she couldn't:
bright, but grimaced;
wide, but shallow;
genuine, but forced.
"I don't have AIDS..."

"Sex is much like a chainsaw, dear.
A lot of fun to play with, but there's
always a chance it will slice into your
trunk, and make a coffin out of you."

Her smile faded,
leaving only her ugly bark.


I'm indifferent to the whole thing. I feel like comparing life to a tree could be done a whole lot better than what's been conveyed here. It just seems like you tried too hard to make this some sort of intelligent reverence, when it came out a little too pretensious for what it really is. I do know that you can do better what's been wrote here.

This is my opinion, which I know doesn't mean much; but I almost get the feeling like you could excel so much better in poetry than you could prose.

-Otto.
#9
Thanks all, I'll make some revisions later today based on what I've got. To Bassbeat/Otto, the conversation part is based on one of my aquaintances (spelling sucks), and he actually talks like that.... thus the convo.

And yeah, still trying to get a grasp on writing poetry and having a tone for it.
#10
No offense, but I thought this was awful. Some of your descriptions made me cringe, the opening line (uprooted, seriously?) didn't make me want to read on and simply put, because I know you like to use this one yourself, I 'didn't connect with it.'
I didn't like how you compared her to a tree, either. It didn't feel 'spontaneous', or whatever you want to call it, to me but rather constructed and I don't mean that in a good way. One thing I kind of liked was how you say she's an 'ugly tree' and how you manage to make the words in that stanza as ugly as possible.
I didn't care for the second stanza. I quite liked the last line of that one but the repetition of AIDS kind of ruined it. I didn't like all your -ity words either. 'My dear' is rather cheesy.
The chainsaw stanza was weak. Props for trying to continue with the tree theme but I just didn't like it. There's a certain 'tone' to it which annoys the hell out of me.
As for the last two lines.. "They were a bit of a let down... sort of a cheap punchline, that took away from everything else you built up."
#11
Quote by ZanasCross
Trying my hand at poetry, again... c4c.

I uprooted her after
deciding that her bark truly was
worse than any bite she could offer.
She was an ugly tree, the type that
has un-symmetric bark running cross-ways
and slant-ways; accented by contorted branches
swaying out of sync with each other and
the world.
The 'bark-bite-tree' metaphor is nice. I don't like the phrase 'ugly tree' though. Maybe it is just me, but I think that ugly is an ugly word in writing. Last line is good.

"My dear:
sincerity leads to prosperity,
prosperity leads to jocularity,
jocularity leads to AIDS.
And AIDS, well that leads to rotten roots
and erosion down below."
"Jocularity" is a great word to use here.

She smiled, in all the ways I'd assumed
she couldn't:
bright, but grimaced;
wide, but shallow;
genuine, but forced.
"I don't have AIDS..."
Using 'but' three times surprisingly works well. It establishes a sense of rhythm for the reader, and shows that everythings sort of got another side to it..."bright but grimaced"

"Sex is much like a chainsaw, dear.
A lot of fun to play with, but there's
always a chance it will slice into your
trunk, and make a coffin out of you."
This was the best part of the entire piece. Everything felt very loose, and then you hit with this. It is witty but dark, and the next 2 lines show how sullen the writing really is.

Her smile faded,
leaving only her ugly bark.
Fine. Ugly actually works well here.

I thought I would come back and give it a proper critique. Take a look at mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=841765
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Apr 21, 2008,
#12
i basically agree with streetcarp and phantom.

though i kind of liked the last two lines, it's a shame that everything before it was so-so.