#1
emergency phone booth number 587,
i stopped to masturbate after i remembered
how my wife looked when she was much younger.
she was the prettiest of the cold war survivors,
always fu.cking unprotected,
all sorts of extensions and openings
that i was interested in.
knees touching knees,
elbows touching elbows.
we made love in the grass tunnel
and ate insects with plastic silverware.
she would laugh off the ants in
the cracks of my teeth and kiss me
sarcastically.
but we aren't children anymore,
i don't think.
we watch dramatic films,
order chinese and
over tip.
we drink wine out of coffee mugs
toasting health insurance and
high credit scores.
we no longer waste words on sentiment,
i think she still loves me,
but in a contemptuous sense.
#3
Well written, man. Good rundown of the state of a relationship, and a really together lyric.
So many possibilities, so little ability.

Quote by Asthia
You know you're a guitar player when you tell your father what note he's yelling at you in and then improvise over the top.
#4
yeah man, this is one of the better I have read from you in a while. I love the ant in the teeth image, that is just borderline hilarious. I am still a little confued by the first line, but I like that cause it is kind fo making me think. Again, nicely done.
#5
emergency phone booth number 587,
i stopped to masturbate after i remembered
how my wife looked when she was much younger.
she was the prettiest of the cold war survivors,
always fu.cking unprotected,
all sorts of extensions and openings
that i was interested in.
I didn't like this at all. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad. I just thought it was bad as an opening to this piece. It was too blunt, and because the piece mellowed later, it just didn't work for me. It felt like you were trying to stir some emotion, but it was very forced.

knees touching knees,
elbows touching elbows.
we made love in the grass tunnel
and ate insects with plastic silverware.
she would laugh off the ants in
the cracks of my teeth and kiss me
sarcastically.
This part, I feel, needs to be broken off to a separate stanza, especially because of the tense change. It's like a little story within this piece, and I thought that although I know you prefer one block pieces, this would have worked better if it stood apart. In regards to the content, I thought it was solid, flowed well, painted a picture and overall really worked.

but we aren't children anymore,
i don't think.
we watch dramatic films,
order chinese and
over tip.
we drink wine out of coffee mugs
toasting health insurance and
high credit scores.
we no longer waste words on sentiment,
i think she still loves me,
but in a contemptuous sense.
I thought the "but" was redundant, especially when for me, I broke the piece to a separate stanza there. Other than that, I really liked this part. It was very well put, nice ideas, very good wording... just great.

A very strong piece. I liked it a lot.
This is not a pipe
#7
I really enjoyed this. The best way to describe it is 'structured rambling'. It sounds like a chant or a ramble, but there is a lot more to it than non -sensical melancholy. Lines 3 and 4 stuck out the most for me. "Cold war survivors" is a great idea, sort of a play on words IMO. Good stuff. Take a look at mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=841765
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#10
mm i'm with caramel. its' good. but i thought some parts were a bit.. unnecessarily crude. and maybe over done. the first line was.. a bit strange. the words foc.kin seemed very pointless. it neither added something nor did it invoke any kind of emotion. it seemed liek it was only there because you needed to fill some syllables. i also second caramel's idea of splitting this into stanza's because if you have it all together it's very confusing kinda but it's just stylistically correct. other then that i have no gripes with this.
OVer all it was pretty good. jsut some parts in the beginning really hung me up. crit oneof mine? in sig. youd ont have ot if you dont want caz id dindt do a full crit lien by line or stanza by stanza. so.. yea it would be appreciated tho.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#12
I've seen a lot of this in one of your previous pieces. This seems to fit together much better than the one I remember though. Nothing else to add. Good job and congrats.
#13
thanks for the wotw, much appreciated. and bassbeat part of this is from a piece i wrote and scrapped, it was called punchbowl i think. but i reworked it into this which i like a lot more.