#1
Wrote my single on a seven inch,
Recorded the music on to white line college ruled.
Released an autobiographical, in -coherent verse.
Babbling on about polishing- rags and such.

Fine, fine, fine coppa' petina,
Gotta keep it old.
Bought a bag of something nice,
Birthday cards covered deep in mold.

Never got around to jotting down a thank you,
But I named a song "Auntie Claire".
That gift ya gave me was awfully nice,
Adding machine, comptometer, 1906.

Packed my lip like a suitcase heading 'round the world.
Dragged a daguerreotype down to the valley,
Pumped it full of tiny BB's.
A bullet is a bullet, some kill some sting.
Broke that shadows heart when I...
Shattered glass around his knees.

~Nick

Bong hit for Bong hit...can I bum a cigarette?
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#2
You're slowly becoming one of the exciting writers to read on here.

Your flow, rhyme and rhythm is constantly superb, which can make most ending even stronger.

I really liked this. You have a cool poeti voice, and how it reads make me think you should be doing performance poetry with this stuff. Colloquial, witty and full of rhyje, it would be perfect.

Another good read Nick.
#3

I know I don't comment much but I've read all of yours so far, and this one quickly became my favourite. Keep it up, like jamie said - you're exciting new talent and you deserve recognition.




love is a dog from hell.



#4
This is a great piece of poetry man, well done. The poetic voice in it is so strong and as Jammydude said, it's very colloquial which makes it very easy to relate to and understand. The rhythm is brilliant, and the way you have taken a simple idea and ran with it throughout is another great aspect of the poem. Any more stuff of yours up on here? Cause I'd love to take a look at it.

Could you take a look over my latest song, "Wind-Up People"? It's just a simplistic one guitar piece, simple lyrics, but I'd really like to hear what you guys think of it. Here's the link: Wind-Up People

Thanks, and keep up the good work. You are a very talented writer dude!

-Toby
#5
I appreciate the comments. Too "we have sound"...Is there anything you would like me too comment on? Toby, I will be getting to your piece this evening.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#6
This is pretty good. It's heavy with some clever and, in some subliminal way, witty imagery and definitely a lot of symbolism that is pretty layered and can mean many things to different people. I can imagine this piece either being very White Stripe-y frenetic, or real down-home Lightnin' Hopkins style mumble-sing. I'm gonna keep an eye out for your stuff.
Quote by Douche ©
I may not be cool off the internet, but on the internet I am pretty cool.

Aww

The Pit Cliff Notes:
Quote by SOADfreak6
myabe we all suck thats why were sitting at a computer desk talking **** thro the enternet lol


If not all of us, at least him.

<//////>~
#7
Well it took me a second, very slow re-read to understand the poem but now that I do I actually like this very much. Very good ending line. This is just a suggestion, probably a bad one, but what if maybe after that "shattered glass around his knees" line, you added "I wonder what he'd think of me?" Or something similar with more personal orientation.

But anyways, great piece. Thanks for your crit on my song, it was very useful.
We're only strays.
#8
Quote by Martyr's Prayer
Well it took me a second, very slow re-read to understand the poem but now that I do I actually like this very much. Very good ending line. This is just a suggestion, probably a bad one, but what if maybe after that "shattered glass around his knees" line, you added "I wonder what he'd think of me?" Or something similar with more personal orientation.

But anyways, great piece. Thanks for your crit on my song, it was very useful.

I don't want to come across as a dick, but if you didn't find that personal enough already, you need to read it again.
Quote by Douche ©
I may not be cool off the internet, but on the internet I am pretty cool.

Aww

The Pit Cliff Notes:
Quote by SOADfreak6
myabe we all suck thats why were sitting at a computer desk talking **** thro the enternet lol


If not all of us, at least him.

<//////>~
#9
Quote by crazynickman
I don't want to come across as a dick, but if you didn't find that personal enough already, you need to read it again.


No you're right. But wouldn't that added line make it more personal? Thats how I said it, after all. It is a very personal work already though.
We're only strays.
#10
Quote by Martyr's Prayer
No you're right. But wouldn't that added line make it more personal? Thats how I said it, after all. It is a very personal work already though.

Well, it's up to TS, but I think if you add it, it's kind of overstating it. The art of subtlety is a very precious thing, especially in writing.
Quote by Douche ©
I may not be cool off the internet, but on the internet I am pretty cool.

Aww

The Pit Cliff Notes:
Quote by SOADfreak6
myabe we all suck thats why were sitting at a computer desk talking **** thro the enternet lol


If not all of us, at least him.

<//////>~
#11
A few points in this are focused around antiquities. My father is an antique dealer/collector, and I am somewhat the same. A few weeks ago we purchased daguerreotypes at an estate sale. Upon bringing them home, we opened up the backs and discovered personal information on the people photographed. I sort of riff on the idea of gift giving, family, and interpersonal relationships with old objects that do not belong in your hands, but are only there because of purchase. Other references to antiquities include the comptometer(an adding machine from 1906 which I purchased in a thrift shop), and petina (the look on aged copper).

I hate revealing a piece like this, but I wanted to show the personal element. A lot is still left un-said about it, so you can just sort of interpert it how you would like.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Apr 20, 2008,
#12
Quote by freshtunes


I hate revealing a piece like this, but I wanted to show the personal element. A lot is still left un-said about it, so you can just sort of interpert it how you would like.


Yeah, I got an entirely different message from this piece. I didn't know what petina was, or how 1906 fit in, but I thought the "bag of something nice" was weed or some other drug, that the "birthday cards covered in mold" were your own, and that the daguerreotype was one of your father haha. So I interpreted it as describing how you might have been a black sheep or a misfit of the family.

Strange lol. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that actually.
We're only strays.
#13
Well you weren't completely off. The bag was deffinately drugs. And I can totally see how you thought the daguerreotype was my father....that whole oedipus complex type thing you see in a lot of writing. The birthday cards represent taking things for granted.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#14
I was just thinking old-school antique things make everything better But seriously, I was thinking that had to with you being stuck in the past...it's a dense piece, and any discrepancy over interpretation just adds to the merit of it, I think.
Quote by Douche ©
I may not be cool off the internet, but on the internet I am pretty cool.

Aww

The Pit Cliff Notes:
Quote by SOADfreak6
myabe we all suck thats why were sitting at a computer desk talking **** thro the enternet lol


If not all of us, at least him.

<//////>~
#15
This is my third time critiquing this piece today, each time I've had to re-type it and each the two times before this one the Internet Explorer froze and had to be closed, so here's hoping this one goes through....

Quote by freshtunes

Fine, fine, fine coppa' petina,
Gotta keep it old.
Bought a bag of something nice,
Birthday cards covered deep in mold.


I like this imagery of copper patina, typical of antiques sets the mood of "older things", I'm not sure what the gotta keep it old is implying though, the line doesn't particularly make sense to me. I'm also unsure of "bought a bag of something" means. If it's relating to previous lines, is it a bag of copper coins that are now covered in patina?

The last line is big to me. Birthday cards are something that show love and caring for someone, and at one time meant alot to someone (albeit for a day), and are now disregarded. The use of mold is different, though I might suggest "covered in dust", though that's all a matter of preference.


Quote by freshtunes

Never got around to jotting down a thank you,
But I named a song "Auntie Claire".


I really like those lines, my favorite in the song. Nice work.

Quote by freshtunes

Broke that shadows heart when I...
Shattered glass around his knees.


I'm confused a bit here, but I think I have an idea. Is the shattered glass from a bottle shot with the BB gun (I know people do this with them, like a shooting range and setting up targets, etc), and the "shadow" being an old imagine on the daguerreotype?

All in all I liked the song. I also learned what a daguerrotype was, so that was an added bonus. Nice work, keep it up. Sorry it took me a few days to get around to critiquing it, I've been pretty busy with school.
#16
Wrote my single on a seven inch,
Recorded the music on to white line college ruled.
Released an autobiographical, in -coherent verse.
Babbling on about polishing- rags and such.

I like this one a lot. I didn't at first, but it grew on me. Not as poetic as stanzas 2 & 4, but it sets the scene nicely. The 3rd line has a strange meter though, it almost seems out of place. Too many syllables.

Fine, fine, fine coppa' petina,
Gotta keep it old.
Bought a bag of something nice,
Birthday cards covered deep in mold.

I really like the alliteration in the last two lines. The imagery set up in the last line also nicely ties together what you're saying in the rest of the stanza. This one's solid.

Never got around to jotting down a thank you,
But I named a song "Auntie Claire".
That gift ya gave me was awfully nice,
Adding machine, comptometer, 1906.

I like this one, the most colloquial, and it dips in to the background of it all, gives it more depth.

Packed my lip like a suitcase heading 'round the world.
Dragged a daguerreotype down to the valley,
Pumped it full of tiny BB's.
A bullet is a bullet, some kill some sting.
Broke that shadows heart when I...
Shattered glass around his knees.

I like it. It takes all the history you developed and moves on. Very nice ending.

~Nick

Bong hit for Bong hit...can I bum a cigarette?

I really like it, in the end. There were some things I felt were lacking, like a more defined rhythm. Not that it all has to sound the same, it was just choppy at points. But not bad at all, that's just me being nitpicky. 8/10

Here's mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=845166