#1
From the top of the stairs
Was where I learned how much you care
Seeing you holding him
Was just too much to bear
The look in your eyes
Left me with such despair
From the top of the stairs looking down

From the top of the stairs looking down
I hope this is just a dream
And that I wake with out this pain inside
As I cry from the top of the stairs looking down

As my heart begins to tear
I think to walk down
But I don’t dare
I try to deny
But all I can do is stair
I had my suspicions
But I still seem so unaware
From the top of the stairs looking down

From the top of the stairs looking down
I hope this is just a dream
And that I wake with out this pain inside
As I cry from the top of the stairs looking down

The you I knew
Isn’t there
I wonder if you’ll miss
What I had to share
It’s not like you
To go have an affair
I hope you change
But my heart
You can’t repair
From the top of the stairs looking down

From the top of the stairs looking down
I hope this is just a dream
And that I wake with out this pain inside
As I cry from the top of the stairs looking down

I think it needs a lot for work. I really liked the way it sounds in my head but I think the writing needs more work. times like this I wish I had a cowriter... this is more of a rough draft for me.
#2
It's a bit rough in parts.


As my heart begins to tear
I think to walk down
But I don’t dare
I try to deny
But all I can do is stair
I had my suspicions
But I still seem so unaware
From the top of the stairs looking down


Not sure if it was intentional, or if i'm missing something, but it just didn't flow right.
I hate my username, it all happened in a rush


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#3
yeah I agree. like I said its a rough draft. I was having a hard time picking up where I left off. I think I'm going to dropping the second verse. maybe I'll write a verse to replace it. not sure.
#6
hey thanks I think it looks better with out the second verse like this. still needs more work though.

From the top of the stairs
Was where I learned how much you care
Seeing you holding him
Was just too much to bear
The look in your eyes
Left me with such despair
From the top of the stairs looking down

From the top of the stairs looking down
I hope it’s just a dream
And that I wake with out this pain
As I cry from the top of the stairs looking down

The you I knew
Isn’t there
I wonder if you’ll miss
What I had to share
It’s not like you
To go have an affair
I hope you change
But my heart
You can’t repair
From the top of the stairs looking down

From the top of the stairs looking down
I hope this is just a dream
And that I wake with out this pain inside
As I cry from the top of the stairs looking down
#8
Quote by Gregoriose
From the top of the stairs
Was where I learned how much you care
Seeing you holding him
Was just too much to bear
The look in your eyes
Left me with such despair
From the top of the stairs looking down

I like the way you start this, quick and to the point, nice. The mid-section is kind of bland, notihng special. But I like how you end with the same point you start with.

From the top of the stairs looking down
I hope this is just a dream
And that I wake with out this pain inside
As I cry from the top of the stairs looking down

I hope the first bit there is like an intro piece, and then there's somewhat of an instrumental part between that and this. The third line seems really like "I don't know what to part here" if you get my drift. You have a good idea to start with, but you don't expand on it enough.

As my heart begins to tear
I think to walk down
But I don’t dare
I try to deny
But all I can do is stair
I had my suspicions
But I still seem so unaware
From the top of the stairs looking down

I dunno why, but this is just boring. There seems to be almost no diversity through the whole piece. But I'm liking how you're ending the end of every stanza here, seems more like a poem.

From the top of the stairs looking down
I hope this is just a dream
And that I wake with out this pain inside
As I cry from the top of the stairs looking down

The you I knew
Isn’t there
I wonder if you’ll miss
What I had to share
It’s not like you
To go have an affair
I hope you change
But my heart
You can’t repair
From the top of the stairs looking down

I hate how this affects me so much because I know what's it's like. Damn your sentimental ways of making me like this.

From the top of the stairs looking down
I hope this is just a dream
And that I wake with out this pain inside
As I cry from the top of the stairs looking down



So you say this is somewhat of a rough draft, and I agree. You've got good ideas, but you need to expand them or else this just won't work. Put in some new ideas, not just the same few said in different ways. I'll give you like a 6/10 for now.

Crit mine? Link's in me sig.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#9
Quote by calvinthecanadi
So you say this is somewhat of a rough draft, and I agree. You've got good ideas, but you need to expand them or else this just won't work. Put in some new ideas, not just the same few said in different ways. I'll give you like a 6/10 for now.

Crit mine? Link's in me sig.

I took out the second verse as I said before. I agree with your points. And yeah it’s a hard song in an emotional way. Sorry you've had to experience that. It’s based on my person experience as well. But unfortunately it’s something a lot of people have gone through. Which I think helps the song because people can relate to it. I was trying to work with rhymes before on this one. I think it gave it a fair start but it would be best to break away from that on the editing.