#1


came back from the bar
11.30 on a tuesday morning
noticed someone had slipped a little town into my pocket
too tiny to see any people
but the buildings were there.
i liked it so i put it on a table
next to my bed
went to sleep that night
and when i got up the next afternoon
it had grown a bit
now nearly the size of a postcard
and i thought:
how strange
went out for a drink to mull it over
ended up writing poems in a doorway
passed by people with bustle
and more meaning than me
returned after dark
and saw pin points of light shining
tiny windows
on tiny brick spires
thought:
maybe there are people in there.
the next day i tried to find work
i needed the money
but no one needed me
came home drunk again
to find the city spread over the whole table top
and i could see busy main roads
hear the faint sounds of traffic
tried to sleep but
the lights were too bright now
so i put a blanket over it
and when i finally awoke
i was encased in concrete
under a pavement somewhere
thinking:
this damn city has only known me four days
and i'm already buried in its dirt.





love is a dog from hell.



#2
I really like this. It has this strange quality about it. Let me explain as best as I can. The line "the next day I tried to find work, I needed the money, but no one needed me," seems to start off as a very conversational manner, almost as if it was being read from a diary, and that can seem very forceful and dull if it is not really well done. But what you do, which is something I don't see often, is you tied it all together by saying, "No one needed me." That emphasises the obvious disdain and sadness you have towards the city and how it can become so overwhelming on the senses and body. And thus creating suspense but also surprsise.
You use this technique throughout the song in other excellent ways, but that stuck out in my mind.
One critizism I would have though is how it doens't flow very well at times. "Too tiny to see any people" is a great line except for the word 'people'. It doesn't quite work in that positioning.
Your repetitive use of the word "tiny" is a great way to show the evolution of life and how everything, no matter what it is, seems to grow at collosal rates. Your use of alliteration is effective as well, although nothing special. I also like the way the coinciding description of the city lights and road ways, even though you were drunk. Maybe making a hit at all the people that drink and drive, I don't know what you meant, if anything, but I enjoyed reading it. It was certainly very different from other work on this site.
#4
This was really really good, Chris. The ending was disappointing, but in a good way, if you know what I mean.

Beautiful writing and solid concepts. I can go on, but it's all good, so let us just say I loved it.
This is not a pipe
#5
I loved reading this .
I don't know how I'd do it but rephrasing the line 'slipped a little town in to my pocket' might be a decent idea...
Liked the ending a lot but maybe it would be more effective if the poem had a different title?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
Good stuff sir.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
Great It reminds me of Calvino's "Invisible Cities".
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...