#1
Everyone is always saying I should be more emotive and such, so this is just one of the pieces I write that no one ever sees, like my daily scribbles and such. It's rough.

The Decay of: Time (part 1/?)

I sense the decay -
The daily path of sunlight across my walls,
cutting through the particles I marked
at various points:
thinking time,
reading time,
time for a cigarette,
the perfect time to think.
And when it sets beyond the treetops,
the window sill,
my horizons, it signals for me to sleep,
but I don't.
It's not like I want to miss anything,
but I do.
So I hope the night brings clear skies,
a clean mind and another schedule
for me to follow.

I can't recall the last day it rained,
only that I just sat there
and stared into nothingness, as the
directions blurred together
and I wasn't sure what to think,
all I know is I missed something that day
and it wasn't something I'd
written on my wall.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Apr 20, 2008,
#4
I like all of it, apart from the line:
'cutting through the particles I marked at various points'
which i think is sorta scientific and doesn't sit well with the rest of it.

I especially like the repeation of 'time' in the first verse!
Guitar: Epiphone Casino
Amp: Laney VC30-212
:stickpoke
#5
Yeah I can understand that, it was shaping up to be one of my general cryptic convoluted pieces in the beginning, but the rest kinda came out like it did so I left it. I might change 'particles' at some point.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
yeh I think it's just a bit over thought through and cryptics; when summat like 'points on the wall' is much simpler and just as effective.
Guitar: Epiphone Casino
Amp: Laney VC30-212
:stickpoke
#8
I like this, but I think you need something to connect it all together...
to me, it kind of rambled off, without a real strong thread.
maybe it's subtle, but... i do think it could use something to tie it together
#9
I agree with you changing 'particles', it left an image that was vague, and didn't seem to settle well within the rest of the piece

This just really seemed to be a very honest piece, and even if it isn't, you did a great job of acting. Some of your weaker pieces in the past seemed to tip-toe through certain things, but this, at it rawest form, conjures up emotions that I expect from good writing.

I could really relate with the first of this, watching the sun move across the walls. For some reason that has always given me a nervous feeling, like, well, I'm missing something.... Great job once again.

shortcut to my latest:
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=841731
#10
Quote by The Hurt Within
Everyone is always saying I should be more emotive and such, so this is just one of the pieces I write that no one ever sees, like my daily scribbles and such. It's rough.

The Decay of: Time (part 1/?)
Blah. You don't need to keep doing poetic series lol.

I sense the decay -
The daily path of sunlight across my walls,
cutting through the particles I marked
this could be done so much better. It's such a cool image, your shadow showing the "decay" you mention in the opener + title, but I agree with everyone else on "particle", but I also think this line here destroyd the image for me. The second line is cool but this line and the one below aren't very good imagery-wise, I don't think. They don't paint this pretty awesome picture, how I have in my head anyway. It could be executed in a much better way, maybe watch your vocab to contrast the light/darkness of shadows.
at various points:
thinking time,
reading time,
time for a cigarette,
the perfect time to think.
This was quite cool.
And when it sets beyond the treetops,
the window sill,
Eh, it's an ugly phrase, window sill. i like the ryhme with signals below but I've always disliked the phrase.
my horizons, it signals for me to sleep,
but I don't.
It's not like I want to miss anything,
but I do.
So I hope the night brings clear skies,
a clean mind and another schedule
for me to follow.
I felt these last two lines were a bit too bluntly cynical.

I can't recall the last day it rained,
only that I just sat there
and stared into nothingness, as the
"nothingness" is sucha wishy-washy year 11 way of describing nothing. I think you can do better.
directions blurred together
I think you need a full stop here , to be honest. I don't like this as one long run-on sentence.
and I wasn't sure what to think,
all I know is I missed something that day
and it wasn't something I'd
written on my wall.

Cool ending, in a way. Felt like it ws lacking abit of spark though, was alot more telling than showing, almmost too much explaining this here.


I wasn't enthralled by this, in all honesty. I felt there were some good ideas but they were either presented awkwardly or in a way that felt to "I did this, I did that" strucutre-wise.

Maybe I am actually missing some of your deepness in this piece. I've always felt it was your forte, and heck, I'm maturing and appreciate your other suff more now (yeah I've gone back to re-read alot of it lately, lol).

I felt this lacked a bit of enthuisisasm as well. I do think the ending seemd a little half-arsed in it's attempts to really be a great ending, and on the whole I could only give it a "solid".

I felt the first stanza was more interesting by far, especially if you had nailed thta first image a bit better.

Think you could take a look at the latest in my sig? I'd appreciate it Steve, if you have the time.

Thanks if you can.

#11
Thanks Jamie, I will get round to your prose, it's where I am heading myself so I'm interested as to how you go about it, I think you've some prose, if I'm not mistaken?

I can understand your thoughts, like I said this is one of my daily rambles so it's nothing that has been revised, I wrote beginning to end, then posted. I might actually re-work it and build up the images here and there, add some wordplay just to see where it leads.

peACE bro
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#12
Thanks Jamie, I will get round to your prose, it's where I am heading myself so I'm interested as to how you go about it, I think you've some prose, if I'm not mistaken?


Yeah it's the first one in my sig. To be honest I'm already hating it lol. It seems so immaturely written already. I've got much better stuff in the works that I'm not posting lol.

You can choose. I don't mind comments on my prose, or you can dig into my latest, whatever floats your boat man, I'd just appreicate anyviews you have to offer.
#13
mm ok one.. i REALLy dont like taht clown lol it scares me.. IT still freaks the hell outa me.. but hte ending was stupid everythign up till then scared me sht less. lmao never critiqued a mod's work b4

I sense the decay -mm kinda feels like a weak start. might just b me
The daily path of sunlight across my walls,
cutting through the particles I marked
at various points:wow.. these three lines i really liked especially in this succession. very cool
thinking time,
reading time,mm cool cool
time for a cigarette,
the perfect time to think.lol once again i liek the combination of these two lol
And when it sets beyond the treetops,mm maybe put the noun in for it? after that jump it could be confusing.
the window sill,
my horizons, it signals for me to sleep,
but I don't.
It's not like I want to miss anything,
but I do.confused much lol. solid lines tho
So I hope the night brings clear skies,
a clean mind and another schedule
for me to follow.mm nice nice not much to say, bit boring( last 2 lines)

I can't recall the last day it rained,
only that I just sat there
and stared into nothingness, as thei think we can do better then nothingness in less syllables
directions blurred together
and I wasn't sure what to think,
all I know is I missed something that day
and it wasn't something I'd
written on my wall.

the last part made me chuckle iono why but meh i just thought i'd say Xp
mm this stanza seemed a bit far from the first. not good not bad. just a style i suppose. the last seemed that you were more proactive this one seems like you were more the object that things happened to iono if you ment to do this or it jsut happened but ti's interesting.

i liked this peice overall. it's was pretty mellow kinda dry, like something needs to ignite and start a bloody forest fire. this seems to me like a good thing to start with to build a little dry patch to kindle a fockin bon fire. mm not really my style i guess. but a good change of pace, i feel like theres could be a lot more that i'm not seeing but meh. crit one of mine? in sig
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
Last edited by me<-needs help at Apr 21, 2008,
#14
Quote by The Hurt Within

I sense the decay -
The daily path of sunlight across my walls,
cutting through the particles I marked
at various points:
thinking time,
reading time,
time for a cigarette,
the perfect time to think.

Honestly, this was the weakest part of the whole piece in my eyes. I remember reading this the first time and thinking, whoa... what's wrong with Steve. There's nothing here really. It's a fairly bland description of a fairly bland setting. I can see you were going to try to "spice it up" when you started your particle line. I'm sure there is more to it than I got... but the only thing that was even intriguing to me was the decay line. Everything else just seemed, meh.

And when it sets beyond the treetops,
the window sill,
my horizons, it signals for me to sleep,
but I don't.
It's not like I want to miss anything,
but I do.
So I hope the night brings clear skies,
a clean mind and another schedule
for me to follow.

Much better. Now its developing a character, and doing so in a quirky way. I like that feel. I'm not sure what the term for it is... but it makes me feel like I'm really there, like I'm finding out about the character by observing him and listening to him talk to himself. I like the way it develops... and honestly this is much more tangible than your normal pieces. However, this is also less "well written," but that's appealing to me as well because it doesn't go over my head.

I can't recall the last day it rained,
only that I just sat there
and stared into nothingness, as the
directions blurred together
and I wasn't sure what to think,
all I know is I missed something that day
and it wasn't something I'd
written on my wall.

Liked the first four, but the last four just seemed like something I would see in a "motivational video" where some lady is admitting her life sucked and then she watched this video and was empowered to change her life. They just seem a bit to corny. They also flip from that quirky sort of "enjambment" and sense to the piece and drop to something much more concrete and definite, which was a shift I didn't particularly find becoming to the piece.



On a couple of re-reads, I'm not sure I do actually like it more htan your usual stuff. I like the accessibility, and the second stanza, but when teh quirkyness of the descriptions weren't there (first stanza and second-half of s3) it just didn't sit well with me. The loss of that tone really killed the mood of hte piece for me, and also took away the most interesting part of it.

-zC

If you have time pivot in 6th dimension, its a long read... but I'd just like some thoughts on it... critiquing isn't necessary.