#1
Crit or comment, leave a link, and I'll return the crit in a day or two.

Powerless
by The Decline

Mother of seven,
don't you know what I mean?
Dog in the bullpen,
man, you know what I mean
At the end, of the day, is this just how you feel?

I'm envisioned,
I'm empowered,
I could do anything...
But I"m only me.

Mexican housemaid,
What can you still do right?
Blossom in the shade,
Choice is never in sight...
Whale, layin' by youself,
just stranded alone on the beach,

I'm envisioned,
I'm empowered,
I could do anything...
But I'm only me.

I'm just a guy,
Sittin' on the grass, tryin' to take in all there is to see...
I wish I, could make all, this better!
...But I'm only me.

Man, missed his plane, well, seems like nobody minds,
Salesman who can't sell, i think nobody cares,
I'm so exasperated, because there's nothing I can do...

I'm envisioned,
I'm empowered,
I could do anything, oh,
all the struggles of life,
The things you can't fix by yourself...
We should join up, start a new way,
we could do anything!
...but I'm only me
Last edited by M-D at May 31, 2008,
#3
It's pretty good. I do like the ending, very cool. What genre is it? ... I don't really know how to crit this, it's not really my style I guess. I do like how you repeated the you know what I mean parts, but personally, I think you over repeated it.. I don't know. But yeah it's a good piece, and it does have a lot of meaning.
#4
I owed you a crit from a while ago, so here it is. I liked the first stanza, I thought it set the tone for the piece. You did a great job of communicating a futile desire to change things but a powerlessness to do it. However, in the second stanza, the images you chose seemed somewhat out of place. To me, they didn't communicate very much hopelessness, weakness or frustration, as is found in the rest of the piece. Actually, I think it's just the second line of that stanza that seems out of place. "A blossom in the shade" seems somewhat cliche (the rest of your piece isn't, praise be to God ) and it doesn't quite fit the rest of the piece. I agree with the above poster that the "you know what I mean" thing was a little repetitious by the end, but I can understand why you did it. It's an artistic preference that bothers some but not others. Clearly it didn't bother you too much, so you should leave it how you want. Overall, I liked the piece. I think it could use a bit of touching up but it doesn't need much. The rhythm was smooth, and that's usually my main complaint in crits. Good stuff, and thanks for the crit.
#5
hey what's up man.. here's a critique for you, - i liked it

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=874939

Powerless
by The Decline

Mother of seven,
don't you know what I mean?
Dog in the bullpen,
man, you know what I mean
At the end, of the day, is this just how you feel?

i really like the boldness of starting out in addressing a 'mother of seven'.. you're not sure whether you have a particular 'mother of 7(person)' in mind, or just figuratively speaking, .. either way i like it

struck me as 'dog in the pen', as opposed to like a pitcher's bullpen, maybe..

also, though, the listener might be thinking that at this point the lyrics get, like, blue collar workingman every day man's story , ish, .. but, - maybe not! ha



I'm envisioned,
I'm empowered,
I could do anything...
But I"m only me.

i'm thinking that one to myself every day


Mexican housemaid,
What can you still do right?
Blossom in the shade,
Choice is never in sight...
Whale, layin' by youself,
just stranded alone on the beach,

it's interesting to hear about a whale, stranded, as 'lying there', .. as if the stranded whale has a choice in the matter. nice



I'm envisioned,
I'm empowered,
I could do anything...
But I'm only me.


I'm just a guy,
Sittin' on the grass, tryin' to take in all there is to see...
I wish I, could make all, this better!
...But I'm only me.


maybe where the exclamation point is, there could be more emphasis put on that part musically, .. i.e. drums kick in, guitar s kick in loudly, sang loudly, etc.. . ?



it s something that we all think, - some more than others to be sure

Man, missed his plane, well, seems like nobody minds,
Salesman who can't sell, i think nobody cares,
I'm so exasperated, because there's nothing I can do...


missed his plane, ' part is interesting in the fact that you're introducing new material into it, but are also getting the point across that we're not expecting much more if any 'information' on this man who missed his plane.. like it does what it should do in a line in a verse. first line of the second verse, i assume?

like a lot 'salesman who can't sell' , - and it adds a kind of fresh metaphorical perspective, that, and of the emotion that the public has an insouciance about him (the salesman,) -nice...


I'm envisioned,
I'm empowered,
I could do anything, oh,
all the struggles of life,
The things you can't fix by yourself...
We should join up, start a new way,
we could do anything!
...but I'm only me


has a 'brand new colony' kind of a vibe to it at the end there

i liked it man