#1
i pinned the cut below my side burn
to the slight of hands.
but when you wear distance to work
people take notice.
comments about your age, your position.
how it “isn’t adult”.

i’d say her eyes were always green,
she’d say they ever changed.
round and malleable
like her.
they pierced.

“glass on the pavement
under my shoe”
flirting with a girl at the concession stand
just another steady heart
i could so easily feel.
but, i favor the distance
matching tattoos, held hands
and night spent
speak unreal.

i paint you as a star.
forever above me,
dead and shining
and there.
#2
not a big fan of the ending stanza, really seemed to just tank the rest of the piece, which was for the most part quite solid.

I like the 'round and malleable' idea, on of the better metaphors for eyes I have read in a while. Also, the use of the word 'distance' really enhanced the piece and how you used it towards the end to clear things up a little.

but there just has to be a better way for you to end this.
#3
i feel different to streetcarp, the ending is my favourite part.
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"
#4
Ditto.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
i pinned the cut below my side burn
to the slight of hands.
but when you wear distance to work
people take notice.
comments about your age, your position.
how it “isn’t adult”.

mm intersting.. cant really say much bit lost here. but i'm intrested.

i’d say her eyes were always green,
she’d say they ever changed.
round and malleable
like her.
they pierced.

nice nice.. i like this. but how does that have anything to do with the stanza above?

“glass on the pavement
under my shoe”
flirting with a girl at the concession stand
just another steady heart
i could so easily feel.
but, i favor the distance
matching tattoos, held hands
and night spent
speak unreal.

speaking unreal perhaps? i like it tho. what is flirting with a girl at the concession stand? the glass under your shoe? kinda confusing? iono is that just me. i kinda know what your talkin about but i'm just bein an ass i guess.

i paint you as a star.
forever above me,
dead and shining
and there.

mm i really like this ending. in the mix of it all, the sudden end and serenity is very cool to me. i feel like in the hectic life that we frenetically try to scratch a living in will always come to a peaceful end. iono just cool to me. it's cute. i like it very subtle but cool.

mm over-all it was really good.. i dont think i could really find anything that stood out but the ending. i was a bit confused a lot of the time maybe a bit lost but it was a fun lost lol. i was pretty engaged the whole way through. i fsum1 asked me what it was about i'd give them a wide eye stare like i didnt know wtf they were askin lol. which i guess is a problem no? but never-the-less i lvoed the ending haha. mk... thats my piece i suppose crit one of mine? either will do. thx if you do if not... then.... yea lol mm keep writting i expect to see more of your work in intrigued! dotn leave me hanging
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")