#1
distilling boredom.


parchment stains and pencil marks:
the poet's view of his lone, dead art.
an empty house with me inside;
alone i write, and keep the time.

abstract matter i brought to life,
while cursing surfacing, logical binds.
an empty canvas brings new rhyme;
alone i write, and bleach my designs.

respected walls with Morrison's face;
i open all doors just to reverence his days.
inspiring mission to open their eyes;
alone i write, to hear myself sigh.

i long for youth in an empty house;
the clock still ticks to watch me pout.
a candle burns with odd reprise;
alone i write to spite the time.
#2
its a true burden being a true artist, isn't it? common folk just don't understand that knowing too much really does hurt. am i following you correctly?
#3
i liked this. at points it seemed overly simple, but i think you pull it off without having this be too boring. i loved the last two lines of this especially.

respected walls with Morrison's face;
i open all doors just to reverence his days.
inspiring mission to open their eyes;
alone i write, to hear myself sigh.

i think this stanza is by far the weakest. i just dont think it seems to work with the rest of this piece, i mean i know it relates, but it seems a bit bland.

not much to say here, i think it definitely has potential but isnt quite there yet.
#4
I thought this was great. Your flow is spot on, it's amazing.

In my view, these lines were a bit weak though:

'inspiring mission to open their eyes'
'to watch me pout'


But still, I really enjoyed it.
Last edited by phantom1 at Apr 22, 2008,
#5
Quote by TheTripleThreat
its a true burden being a true artist, isn't it?


I suppose, but if there was any truth to my artistry, I wouldn't be posting on this site.

I very much appreciate your thoughts Joris and Rushmore(name?)

Be sure to let me know when you post something guys.
#6
Quote by ottoavist

parchment stains and pencil marks:
the poet's view of his lone, dead art.
an empty house with me inside;
alone i write, and keep the time.

Liked the opening couplet. After that, it just sort of lost the pizazz. I dunno, the flow is good, but at the same time... I just wasn't as enthralled by it as I am when you really hit your mark.

abstract matter i brought to life,
while cursing surfacing, logical binds.
an empty canvas brings new rhyme;
alone i write, and bleach my designs.

Didn't like this stanza much at all. The triple rhyme, the second line... these two just brought this stanza down. The second line just didn't have the flow... I stuttered over it. Plus, it just seemed to be overly complex for everything else in the piece.

respected walls with Morrison's face;
i open all doors just to reverence his days.
inspiring mission to open their eyes;
alone i write, to hear myself sigh.

Loved this one.

i long for youth in an empty house;
the clock still ticks to watch me pout.
a candle burns with odd reprise;
alone i write to spite the time.

didn't like pout as a verb. The image in the third line just felt tacked on for rhyme and structure... it doesn't really reference back to anything before it, and doesn't add anything to after it... so it gave a distinct "filler" vibe. I liked the change from the first stanza to the last stanza, gave this a really complete feel.


Quite and enjoyable little read... your feel for flow and rhythm is second to none on this bored. And on the contrary note to what you gave me, I'd really like to see what you could do in free-verse (been thinking this since your second piece that I read). If you were to abandon the structure and cutesy-ness of rhyme... and truly just let it go. You have a lot of good images in your pieces, and I think without the rhyme you could really build something epic. Probably just me though.
#7
im a little too drunk to give this a proper crit, i'll be back later.

remingd me if i forget.

ray
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#8
office that boring nowdays..... really good man, especially refering to Jim Morrison. Good die young, pricks live forever.
#9
Quote by crazypothead91
Good die young, pricks live forever.


'cept for Maynard, he's like 50 or something.

oh wait, he's kind of prick too, though isn't he? lol.


EDIT: Thanks a million Zach, and Ray is it? - Even if you don't find time for it, the bump is appreciated.

- I'll get to yours soon Zach. -
Last edited by ottoavist at Apr 23, 2008,
#10
ray it is, new friend.


respected walls with Morrison's face;
i open all doors just to reverence his days.
inspiring mission to open their eyes;
alone i write, to hear myself sigh.


i agree with rushmore that this is the weakest stanza. i like the references, but the last two lines aren't quite up to par with the rest of the piece.

i usually get sick of rhyme schemes like this, but you managed to keep your rhymes unpredictable. so well done there. the stanza i pointed out was the only one where the rhymes didn't feel completely organic. the simpleness of the rhymes made the flow really great, but watch out for forced rhymes. don't hesitate to stray from the pattern here and there, or throw it out completely. i agree with zach about the cutesy thing. no matter how profound or beautiful your words and message are, rhyming (to me) always seems to bring it down a bit. not a whole lot in this case. but a little...

i really did enjoy this, though. i look forward to reading more from you.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#11
I felt th stana with the reference was kinda ugh, it felt ot of touch to therest of the piece.

As for that, this was an enjoyable read, man.

EDIT: I see that stanza is not poular anyway lol.
#12
Let's do this!


parchment stains and pencil marks:
the poet's view of his lone, dead art.
an empty house with me inside;
alone i write, and keep the time.

I don't think "I keep the time" belongs in this stanza at all. Although i loved the flow, it's awesome by the way, the content was just too subtle and the rhyming didn't give it that bit more sophistication, which I think you needed.

abstract matter i brought to life,
while cursing surfacing, logical binds.
an empty canvas brings new rhyme;
alone i write, and bleach my designs.

This was great espicially the last two line. Apart from 'cursing surfacing', which i don't think worked too well, i enjoyed this stanza.

respected walls with Morrison's face;
i open all doors just to reverence his days.
inspiring mission to open their eyes;
alone i write, to hear myself sigh.

This was equally as great as the last stanza. Nicely done.

i long for youth in an empty house;
the clock still ticks to watch me pout.
a candle burns with odd reprise;
alone i write to spite the time.

'Pout' doesn't sound right to me, maybe it's just the way i read it. Nonetheless i really enjoyed this stanza.

Overall just tweak line four in stanza one.

Last edited by Bleed Away at Jul 26, 2009,
#13
I haven't read any other posts, so forgive me of redundancy. It's my way of giving you my unadulterated critique.


parchment stains and pencil marks:
the poet's view of his lone, dead art.
an empty house with me inside;
alone i write, and keep the time.

I really like this one. I like the consonance going on, and this has the strongest ending couplet out of the rest of the stanzas. It has good flow, it sets the tone; really good opener.

abstract matter i brought to life,
while cursing surfacing, logical binds.
an empty canvas brings new rhyme;
alone i write, and bleach my designs.

I like how this brings a different angle, a more scientific standpoint than the previous stanza. It's almost as if we moved to a different poet in this one, maybe a poet of science? It seems like an excerpt of Frankenstein. But a lot more entertaining. =P I don't like "bleach my designs," it has a lopsided quality about it.

respected walls with Morrison's face;
i open all doors just to reverence his days.
inspiring mission to open their eyes;
alone i write, to hear myself sigh.

It seems we've moved to a more modern-day poet now. The first two seemed very 19th century, but we're in the 20th with this one. I don't like the second line. "Reverence" is a strange word there, it doesn't fit. I'd change it to a cleaner two-syllable word, but I can't think an apt replacement. I'd change "inspiring" to "inspired," I think it flows better that way. And "to hear myself sigh" has one too many syllables. This verse is too skippy.

i long for youth in an empty house;
the clock still ticks to watch me pout.
a candle burns with odd reprise;
alone i write to spite the time.

And now we're in the present day, with a homage to the past; the candle. It stays in stride with the theme, but I don't like your tense. I'd use more "-ing" words. I would've written "the clock still ticks, it's watching me pout," but that's just me. That's an awkward couplet, the first one. But the second tucks it all away nicely.



All in all, I really enjoyed your poem. It had enough flow, but I think with a bit more revision, it could be totally liquid. I like the subject matter, and how it seemed to move through time. Timeless, 8/10.

Mine is in my sig. =D
#14
Hey, thanks for the words on mine. There's not much to be said that hasn't been said already, but I feel like I should leave some comment at least in return for your time.

I'm with most people, the Morrison stanza is awkward. For me it wasn't so much the reference to him, just the third line 'inspiring mission to open their eyes' sounds really weird to me and throws me off.

That's my only issue though. Great work otherwise.
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#15
parchment stains and pencil marks:
the poet's view of his lone, dead art.
an empty house with me inside;
alone i write, and keep the time.

WOW.. FOCK i love this start. jez... expeically the last 3 lines.. iono they jsut really hit spot on

abstract matter i brought to life,
while cursing surfacing, logical binds.
an empty canvas brings new rhyme;
alone i write, and bleach my designs.

jez... the good times just keep on rolling.

respected walls with Morrison's face;
i open all doors just to reverence his days.
inspiring mission to open their eyes;
alone i write, to hear myself sigh.

ditto, i'm with rushmore on this one. perhaps you should think of jsut omitting it?

i long for youth in an empty house;
the clock still ticks to watch me pout.
a candle burns with odd reprise;
alone i write to spite the time.

pout seems like it breaks the flow. but that might just b me.

JEz.. OVer all.. i am.... speechless for the first time. gj.... i know its' a crappy crit but i blame that bit on you.. this is too damn good lmao. keep writting.. cirt one of mine? I hope you get WoTw caz this is really good Xp
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
Last edited by me<-needs help at Apr 25, 2008,
#16
good... flowed real well... "an empty canvas brings new rhyme;
alone i write, and bleach my designs." best damn line in the whole piece IMO