#1
ots. c4c. still blocked in a baaaad way. i haven't posted for a long time, so nobody owes me anything. but if you could tackle this bad boy i promise i'll get back to you. so yea... rip this shit apart.
(please?)


do you realize your eyes
change when you see me?
whatever you're feeling
disappears,
and is instantly replaced by
disappointment.
i can't remember what you look like
happy.
i can't remember what i look like
happy.
i can't remember anything at all.

there is only one way i can survive these days:
stoned and drunk,
day and night,
respectively.
surreal reality takes the edge off
this michigan weather,
this michigan mindset.
twenty-two years is too damn long for one state.
maybe i'll move to london.
i'll be the crazy american girl
all the boys wanna fuck,
and all the girls secretly wanna fuck.
sure, i'll be a slut,
but at least i'll be alive.

and i know you don't believe me,
but it's painfully true.
i'm painfully dishonest,
but love is all i've ever believed in.
and all i'm ever really in.
so, you can take this at face value.

i cross my heart.
i hope to die.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#2
do you realize your eyes
change when you see me?
whatever you're feeling
disappears,
and is instantly replaced by
disappointment.
i can't remember what you look like
happy.
i can't remember what i look like
happy.
i can't remember anything at all.


ok, normally i would hate something so cliche sooo much, i wouldn't even bother saying anything about it.
however; i caught myself liking it. my reasoning? i've been going through "the motions" with the person i love for over a year, now. we're finally over it all(i believe), and as soon as i read this(especially from a girl's perspective; i'm assuming you're a girl, right?) i almost brokedown.

surreal reality takes the edge off
this michigan weather,
this michigan mindset.


I loved this, partly because I lived in Detroit for a couple of years.
Apart from this dissection, I enjoyed the rest of the 2nd stanza quite a bit.
Matter of fact, you could probably get rid of everything else, and the poem would stand strong as this stanza alone.

The rest is just filler IMO; I don't think it adds any strength to the rest of the poem, and more or less brings it down a little bit.

no need to feel obligated, but if you want - distilling boredom.
#3
thanks, otto. i totally agree about the cliche-ness of the first stanza. i actually reread it later after posting, and immediately ran to the bathroom and puked... yea, i've been kinda sick lately so that's probably the real reason i puked, but i think it was triggered by that damn shitty stanza...

the second stanza is the only thing in this that i don't loathe... so i'm glad you liked it.

i'll get to yours in just a bit.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#6
Quote by hope's downfall


do you realize your eyes
change when you see me?
whatever you're feeling
disappears,
and is instantly replaced by
disappointment.
i can't remember what you look like
happy.
i can't remember what i look like
happy.
i can't remember anything at all.

Well, you said to rip it apart... so I'm gonna. Sorry in advance if I come off harsh, you know I don't mean it. To be honest... this reeked of filler. The whole thing. Nothing in this was striking or emotionally driven, which is typically what I like about your stuff.... its usually so raw and powerfully emotional... and here its just... words on a page. Beyond that, none of it is terribly original or thought provoking. Your opening couplet is to vague to be intriguing. You really need to introduce what type of change it is in the first line or so... you need to set a tone. It's to ambiguous, we can't tell if its a "love change" or a "hate change" which leaves the reader in a state of luke-warmness that doesn't help your cause. Then you do tell us, but you tell us in such a bland way. It's too stated.... you need some sort of image here to really drive the point home. There is no shock, no impact behind the "disappointment" line... and it should be HUGE. It should rock our world, but instead... I just read it and moved on. And then you jumped into the "happy lines" and again, there was nothing there as far as impact. It's a neat idea, and fairly original in and of itself... but I could have been reading "Cookie, cookie, asscheek, flaming homosexual, happy" and gotten teh same amount of emotion. This whole stanza just needs to be re-written and you need to feel it more. Your writing isn't the type that needs tricks and neat ideas... you need to just let it flow if you want it to truly connect with the reader, and I can feel that you held back here.


there is only one way i can survive these days:
stoned and drunk,
day and night,
respectively.
surreal reality takes the edge off
this michigan weather,
this michigan mindset.
twenty-two years is too damn long for one state.
maybe i'll move to london.
i'll be the crazy american girl
all the boys wanna fuck,
and all the girls secretly wanna fuck.
sure, i'll be a slut,
but at least i'll be alive.

Much better. I felt this one... much stronger content. I liked the grittiness of the ideas... I could really grab onto this stanza. Only suggestion, take out the double michigan lines. They slow the piece down and really detract from the impact of the statement. I know it might have meaning to you, because you know what its referring too... but on the outside looking in, its like you mentioned a character and then never mention him again... we want more explanation as to what that means... and without it, it just seems like a cheap throwing around of names.

and i know you don't believe me,
but it's painfully true.
i'm painfully dishonest,
but love is all i've ever believed in.
and all i'm ever really in.
so, you can take this at face value.
i cross my heart.
i hope to die.

Read my thing on stanza one... this again just felt like filler. There was no emotion... just stating facts and then ending on a cliche. This wasn't a striking ending. You'd have a much more memorable and forceful piece is you just left stanza two.




Sorry, I wasn't very nice. *holds out cookie* I hope that makes up for it. I did really like your second stanza though!