#1

Halving sun o'
paintchip cloud

bridge rumble
stream slide

Fissured hull o'
sinking drift

twirl in wind
shallow basin

Damp turf o'
hugged toes

Squint up--

and young tired
or old weakened

and little seen
or big felt

and quiet wise
or loud guess

Falter over
looming hills

a feet sleep
a float soft

a reach think
a find listen
#2
Is this your first time trying to write a song. It’s not bad but doesn’t really have structure.
#4
Quote by Jammydude44
This had something about it.


same. It's kind of strange but it flowed well in an "awkward" way. Hmm I like it a lot to be honest but I'm not sure if there is any main point that I am missing besides a vague scene and message.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
It reminds me of moving into a new house, and/or camping.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#6
Thanks for all the input.

jiminizzle, the idea of it was kind of to describe the scene as vividly as I could with the smallest amount of words. The "message" is the scene. Or the scene doesn't need a specific "message". Who can say for sure.