#1
i could hear thousands of screams
slowly fading out from a distance.
i shouted, "Emily? ..."
...
i heard her sweet untainted voice and saw her hand,
gently elevated by the light moon
that set the scene for us the night before.
coughing, i expel tar and muckus and swim to her,
and clutch her close,
watching the remnants of the ship sinking down into the
dark, unremorseful water.

nightmares come alive, swimming in darkness.
her lush, optimistic smile keeps
me at level with the situation
while i ponder,
"are there any survivors?"
i'm inclined to think so...
... complete and utter silence.
feeling the clammy wind weave
itself through my wet hair,
i shiver.

she sheds a tear.
i wish my benevolent smile would uplift her,
as we hope and crave rescue.
but so far,
my hopes are dashed.
and then it hit me, we are
pawns to the water.


not really me. tried something different and need some help. crit for crit.
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"
#2
My main problem with this is the lack of a catch, for a lack of a better word. Some of the writing is really nice, the second and third stanza for example,

"are there any survivors?"
i'm inclined to think so...
... complete and utter silence.
feeling the clammy wind weave
itself through my wet hair,
i shiver.

she sheds a tear.
i wish my benevolent smile would uplift her,


The use of dialogue gave the piece a bit more weight, but it needs to be expanded on in my opinion. Otherwise it's just going to be another piece of love poetry.

So, I'd work on making more of an impact in the first stanza, so that the softness of the language in the last two can carry the piece to a gentle end. Think how you can make the reader instantly interested. How could you say what you said in the first stanza differently?

Sorry for the delay in the crit.
#3
Eh. I can only echo the thoughts of thepickups.

I liked this, though. Considering it's something different for you you pulled it off incredibly well.