#2
Relatable. Real.

My favourite line was the abstract-clothed one.

I don't really have any complaints. It was a good read. Not astouding but then you're not a pro author lol. I enjoyed it. Better than your poetry, I thought. Much more real.

I realy don't have much to critique. The only thing I could say that in the long run I could see the subject matter getting a little tedious and shallow (I already feel this with my own pieces lol), so I'd say once you've done this series of how many parts you consider writing something more expansive.

That's all. And that's more of a long-term thing.

Nice work, Alex. It was impressive.

could you take a look at love limericks? Thanks if you can,
#3
Quote by Jammydude44
Relatable. Real.

My favourite line was the abstract-clothed one.

I don't really have any complaints. It was a good read. Not astouding but then you're not a pro author lol. I enjoyed it. Better than your poetry, I thought. Much more real.

I realy don't have much to critique. The only thing I could say that in the long run I could see the subject matter getting a little tedious and shallow (I already feel this with my own pieces lol), so I'd say once you've done this series of how many parts you consider writing something more expansive.

That's all. And that's more of a long-term thing.

Nice work, Alex. It was impressive.

could you take a look at love limericks? Thanks if you can,


I'll get to limericks now.

Maybe it felt more real because it was real? :p

All I changed were the names. And you're right about the subject matter being shallow, I guess. All of my best nights generally include the same kind of things.

Although, there are a couple that are quite extraordinary, and there's one part in Part 2 of this that you probably won't believe if (or, when, i hope) you read it.

And no, I'm not a pro-author. But then, I don't think any of the best books I've enjoyed feel like they are written by a pro-author.

Thanks for the kind words.

EDIT: Again, sorry for instant reply, but this wasn't a bump (it's already top of the pile)...
#4
Quote by skagitup
I'll get to limericks now.

Maybe it felt more real because it was real? :p

All I changed were the names. And you're right about the subject matter being shallow, I guess. All of my best nights generally include the same kind of things.

Although, there are a couple that are quite extraordinary, and there's one part in Part 2 of this that you probably won't believe if (or, when, i hope) you read it.

And no, I'm not a pro-author. But then, I don't think any of the best books I've enjoyed feel like they are written by a pro-author.

Thanks for the kind words.

EDIT: Again, sorry for instant reply, but this wasn't a bump (it's already top of the pile)...


I was just trying to find anything contrsuctive to say.

So I chose that over other bog-standard nit-picks.

Thanks for your comment. I'll put the others up sometime. Don't worry about another return.
#5
Perhaps this could be improved if you merged the reality of what happened and a more dramatic, maybe surreal story. It would have to be well written and well thought through if you wanted to keep it relatable, though. I'm just thinking it would give you more possibilities and you would be able to exaggerate the scenes that were the most interesting to make them even more so. Because I did find this interesting; I'm not suggesting you forget almost all that happened and create something as far away from the truth as possible.

If you're going to revise this, I think you need to filter through the unnecessary sentences and details. For example, you mention the heavy amounts of drinking several times; you could condense those sentences into just one or two which would probably hit harder anyway. This would decrease the diary likeness and increase the interestingness. It would also allow for more room for you to describe the most important scenes, events, whatever.

I liked this, though. It felt real. Oh, the hilarity.

I'll be sure to read the next part.

If you've some time, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=13833567#post13833567
Last edited by samoo at Apr 23, 2008,
#6
Very good. It felt extremely real.
I liked your descriptions, especially in the beginning about Callum.
I liked how you made Jackie seem amazing in the beginning, but then in the end, she turned out to be a bitch. It works that way in real life a lot, I suppose. So that makes it even more realistic. That's horrible that she flipped on you though. She was in no place to invite people to the party that even SHE was barely able to go to.
I really enjoyed this and I'm waiting for Part Two.

Oh, and by no means do you have to crit my work, but if you like, it's called "Walking, Good Times, and the Street".

I'll put it in my sig.
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

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