#1
Just wrote this a few minutes ago, I'm not sure about it. Crit for crit, most definitely.


We watched the house shrink away in the distance
I watched your face as we walked away
We don’t dare venture into the street
F*ck that, the sidewalk is where we rein

We talked about all the old times
Talked about all the times that are long gone
We don’t dare venture into the street
It’s a wilderness and the curb is a fence

So how about you get off your high horse?
Maybe spend some time with me
You make me wonder if I did something wrong
But there’s nothing I can see

We walked, and walked and came up with nothing
Except for a bit of nostalgia
We talked, and talked all about nothing
And never looked back, never looked back

So how about you get off your high horse?
Maybe spend some time with me
You make me wonder if I did something wrong
But there’s nothing I can see

But just when I thought our times had began
You stopped walking and talking
You ventured out into the street and were hit
And I’ll never see you again
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
Last edited by ratmblink123 at Apr 24, 2008,
#2
I thought it was generally good, for lyrics, at least. Nicely rounded ideas - flows well, also.

My only criticism would be the...blandness.. of some of the wording. For example

"Maybe spend some time with me"
"There's nothing I can see"
"I'll never see you again"

I mean, words like "see", "some", "spend", "can" are all just so plain. You read them thousands of times a day, I'd go through and try to jazz up the plain sentences a little. Maybe use some words that connect with the themes you're trying to convey.

Other than that, I think this was a strong lyrical piece, perhaps as strong as Harold Eckmore, maybe not, but certainly strong.
#3
Thanks, skag.
I have a few questions though.
1. Who's Harold Eckmore?
And, 2. "Generally good, for lyrics, at least." What do you mean by that?
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

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#4
Sometimes I read these and I sing them, just for a laugh. They often sound very odd. Thats not always a bad thing, it can be advantageous to go against the grain. But you must know what your doing when going about it. I sing this and I don't really understand it, or I don't feel anything from it. I know there only words, but some songs, the chemistry contained within those words, whether there complicated or simple, brings out emotion and the desire to express it to everyone.
In other words, what I'm saying is. Its very good, some effective illustrations and descriptions, but it just doesn't create an vivid emotions or images in your head. You write like me. As if you writting a novel, not a poem, not a song.
"We don’t dare venture into the street, It’s a wilderness and the curb is a fence"...certain lines, such as this, have a strong lyrical attachement though. So it could be just me who is being ignorant to what is really going on here?

I hope that didn't seem harsh. Its better than what I can do.
#5
Nah, It didn't seem harsh at all. I understand what you say, and I kind of planned it that way, almost. I just like hearing what other people hear of my stuff.

SPOILER:
Basically, the song is about this friend of mine who I used to spend loads of time with. But, recently she has changed to be part of the "popular group" of my high school. Sold out, so to speak, although that phrased is used a bit too much in my opinion.

The street resembles that group, and the sidewalk resembles how I am and she was.

So yeah, I hope that clears up any confusion.

Quote by AngryGoldfish
Its better than what I can do.

Oh, and thanks for the complement.
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
#6
Dang, I wrote a really good critique of this one and my browser froze. I'll try to summarize what I said:

I really liked the first two stanzas, though I'm not a big fan of profanity. "We don't dare venture into the street" is a strong lyric, a good one to repeat.

The Chorus was good, but a few changes couldn't hurt. The 1st and 3rd lines seem to be a little too wordy, I'd cut out about three syllables, personally. The other two are really good, but I don't like how "I" interconnects with "time." When you recite the lyric out loud, you want to say both words similarly because they appear in the same beat, but since you can't, it sounds strange.

I didn't like the fourth stanza much, there was too much forced repitition. It didn't have a good, consistent meter and didn't really fit with the rest of the lyric. I've never liked using the word "nostalgia," especially at the end of a line, because of its choppy rhythm.

The last verse was really good, it took everything you built and added the twist. I would've added "out" after "ventured" just for the extra syllable to make it flow a bit nicer, but it works without it, too.

Overall, really good. 7.5/10 Oh, and I don't like the title much.. It seems too tentative.

For some reason, this strikes me as a very "The Used" king of song. I hear Bert McCracken singing this. I don't know why. That's not necessarily a bad thing.

My lyric's here for the critiquing: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=845166
Last edited by my name is Pete at Apr 24, 2008,
#7
Thanks, Pete. I appreciate you help, and I'll edit the "venture out" into it.
Any more? Not to bump my own thread or anything...
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
#8
I don't like your use of the phrase or term, "high horse". I find phrases like that, when you used in that context sound weird. Like a conversation by someone who can't think of a better description. Some bands can use them effectively, in humourous way. System of a Down have sometimes wrote lines based on catchphrases and it has sounded funny and therefore catches your attention. But it used in a far more round about way, and not so directly as you did. Or maybe tie it together into something else, like this "So how about you get off your high horse?...or is it feeling low like the knees that are broken and bending? An animal damaged." - That way you can compare your friend to both being 'high', ie, pretentious, but also as being 'low' or pathetic, which are too comparisons, but in this context mean the same thing.
#9
i liked the meaning of the song... i could relate to it really well...

as far as structure gos i dont think it flowed that well... in my head it was kinda staggered... then again i dont know much... so you might want to completely disregard this