#1
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Trying not to get too attached
To what is or what was
Or what could have been if I'd just...

You had me when you walked
Out through dark doors into light places where
I couldn't make out the shape of your face,
Where I'd have to guess what you were wearing
And how you're feeling- I missed you dearly.
And, not wanting to miss you ever again;
I got into the car and came around.

But not an hour had passed
Before your pissed-self got pissed-off,
Walked out the door in a storm, huffed
And ended up up ended on the sofa.

In the end I left you on the doorstep, said
'Well I still love you'
And placed a kiss on your cheek.
When walking away you turned to me,
Let the words hang heavy in the air from you, whispered,
'I didn't say I didn't love you, too.'

On the way back home
I listened to what could only
Be described as perfection,
In a car that was far-from.
Noticing my ever-increasing sensitivity
To acute emotions or meanings;
The harp's strings glistened
As I listened
Through a speaker in broken casing.

Trying to put this relationship behind me,
Knowing that I felt something for something,
Or someone. Knowing that there was meaning,
That there was a target, an aim,
That all that emotion wasn't just mistaken or mislaid.

Alone and aching in sheets I am taken.
Taken by the world, taken deep down dead
By the mud, wound up and wired in grass
And thrown to the ground without a thud;
The cold, damp ground without a noise.

Because coming down like a pile of bricks
Feels like coming down when you
Come down like this.
Last edited by thepickups at Apr 24, 2008,
#2
Quote by thepickups
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Trying not to get too attached
To what is or what was
Or what could have been if I'd just...
i don't really get the point of the introduction, it would flow better without this. there is at least some meaning to you and if you want to keep it, that's fine but for the overall view of the poem, it would feel better without.

You had me when you walked
Out through dark doors into light places where
I couldn't make out the shape of your face,
Where I'd have to guess what you were wearing
And how you're feeling- I missed you dearly.
And, not wanting to miss you ever again;
I got into the car and came around.
very good, you seem to find your feet here. i didn't like the last two lines and feel that they are of lesser quality to the rest. not that they're bad but because the rest feels really poetic. i particulary enjoyed the lines, "I couldn't make out the shape of your face, where I'd have to guess what you were wearing."

But not an hour had passed
Before your pissed-self got pissed-off,
Walked out the door in a storm, huffed
And ended up up ended on the sofa.
this felt awkward and not as impressive as the last. it could work somewhere else but not here.

In the end I left you on the doorstep, said
'Well I still love you'
And placed a kiss on your cheek.
When walking away you turned to me,
Let the words hang heavy in the air from you, whispered,
'I didn't say I didn't love you, too.'
at first i thought i was going to be let down by this but the last few lines really concluded it well.

On the way back home
I listened to what could only
Be described as perfection,
In a car that was far-from.
Noticing my ever-increasing sensitivity
To acute emotions or meanings;
The harp's strings glistened
As I listened
Through a speaker in broken casing.
this is deliciously good, though feels different from the rest. nice though.

Trying to put this relationship behind me,
Knowing that I felt something for something,
Or someone. Knowing that there was meaning,
That there was a target, an aim,
That all that emotion was just mistaken or mislaid.
i really liked this, very relatable.

Alone and aching in sheets I am taken.
Taken by the world, taken deep down dead
By the mud, wound up and wired in grass
And thrown to the ground without a thud;
The cold, damp ground without a noise.
good, again.

Because coming down like a pile of bricks
Feels like coming down when you
Come down like this.
great ending.

sorry if i got harsh at some parts, i don't particulary enjoy critting people's work but hey, that's how you get crits for your own work.

if you could:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=844413
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"
#3
You had me when you walked
Out through dark doors


You had me at the titlular enjambment.

I felt it dragged after the half-way point. I feel it could be cut down somewhat without losing too much. I always thought you were better saying as much as this in smaller doses. It suits your sharpness much better.

The ending was great tough. Just most of the second half felt a bit tedious, dragged out is definitely my phrase of choice for this critique.

Armitage-esque, but I think you've got a quicker wit.
#4
Cheers, both of you.

Personally, the 2nd half is my favourite part of the poem. I had so much fun with assonance, word play and wierd syntax. But maybe that's not for everyone.

I'll try to get to both of yours before the weekend.
#5
Be described as perfection,
In a car that was far-from.


Stuff like that, and the other techniques were cool and good (as I said, you're sharp) but I felt the actual content was what dragged it out.

So, yeah. Technically I felt it was superb, which was wy I said you were armitage-esque, but it felt like meaning was being dragged out for the sake of it.

Love Limericks if you do want to get back, cheers.
#6
Yeah, I will soon, but it may be on Monday as I'm away this weekend.

One of my favourite lines in this piece, I wasn't even aware that I was writing it. I was so into the word-play that it just came out without thought.

And ended up up ended on the sofa.
#7
I liked that line too.

Personally, I wouldn't decrease the length.

There's a nice amount of detail; it didn't feel like it was dragging on. The flow and clever word play helped keep my interest. But I liked the subject and the personality that was shining through throughout. I liked how there was some clever descriptions but at the same time, the whole thing felt real and nothing felt contrived.

The first stanza is great, imo.

Title was great.

Couple of things to think about, though. I don't know if "taken deep down dead" is there for alliteration's sake but it seems a bit of a muddle; it's not an easy read like the piece is generally. I didn't like "placed a kiss" either, a bit lazy maybe. It made me pause and think 'that wasn't right'. Sure you could come up with something more interesting.

Thought this was great. I'll be looking out for more for sure.

If you feel like a read http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=839337
#8
Couple of things to think about, though. I don't know if "taken deep down dead" is there for alliteration's sake but it seems a bit of a muddle; it's not an easy read like the piece is generally. I didn't like "placed a kiss" either, a bit lazy maybe. It made me pause and think 'that wasn't right'. Sure you could come up with something more interesting.


That 'deep down dead' line has been a line I've used in a lot of pieces recently. It's probably just my fixation on wordplay that I like about it, but for me, although it's a little confusing, it perfectly describes feeling really bad. Deep down bad.

Thanks for you comment. It was very helpful. I'm getting to all of yours now!