#1
I just wrote this last night, it's my first real poem.
I want to add more, but I can't think of what to add.
C4C, and all that jazz.

Untitled -----

I've been out of the cradle, enter endlessly rocking
Shirking sleep, out of my bed ever tossing
Untold of nights lost in the midnight slump pacing
American dream, through the thoroughfare chasing.

Yellow-lined pavement, to others holds meaning.
For people unclear, on the street they lay bleeding
Entreating their fleeting hope into their basin
American dream, through the thoroughfare chasing.
Last edited by my name is Pete at Apr 24, 2008,
#2
Quote by my name is Pete
I just wrote this last night, it's my first real poem.
I want to add more, but I can't think of what to add.
C4C, and all that jazz.

Untitled -----

I've been out of the cradle, enter endlessly rocking
Shirking sleep, out of my bed ever tossing

Not bad. I like 'shirking sleep', feels good on my toungue.

Untold of nights lost in the midnight slump pacing
American dream, through the thoroughfare chasing.

Nice rhythm. I don't like how night and midnight are so close though, it feels weird.

Yellow-lined pavement, to others holds meaning.
For people unclear, on the street they lay bleeding

Don't really get it, but it flows nicely. Maybe directions and discipline osme people like? Not sure...

Entreating their fleeting hope into their basin
American dream, through the thoroughfare chasing.

Again, nice rhythm. Even though I don't really get the entire poem there is a certain feeling that tells me it's very socially-politically charged but without all the garbage that comes with politics

Solid piece. Thanks for the critique.
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#3
Quote by my name is Pete
I just wrote this last night, it's my first real poem.
I want to add more, but I can't think of what to add.
C4C, and all that jazz.

Untitled -----

I've been out of the cradle, enter endlessly rocking
Shirking sleep, out of my bed ever tossing
Untold of nights lost in the midnight slump pacing
American dream, through the thoroughfare chasing.
This is great. The metaphors are at large it seems. I do like the "American dream, through the thoroughfare chasing" line. It just seems odd. And odd is sometimes good.

Yellow-lined pavement, to others holds meaning.
For people unclear, on the street they lay bleeding
Entreating their fleeting hope into their basin
American dream, through the thoroughfare chasing.
Repetition of the "American" line is good, I believe. It's a strong line. I also like the internal rhyme on line three. Fun stuff.


I especially like the use of metaphoric language. That's a big thing for me.

Great job, I'd say... 8/10.

-Alex
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

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#4
thank you for your commentary on my art.

i know it's kind of backwards, but i want to start off by saying that the last line each stanza is ended with packs such a punch.
i guess one of the main reasons i liked this so much, is that it reminds me a little of the way i structure, and write, my pieces.
however; i didn't like the excessive amount of syllables in the first stanza with the line beginning with "untold...." - it just made it a little awkward to read.

the second stanza is pretty good the way it is; i wouldn't touch it.
all in all, i'm going to say that this is a very good start - i don't think it should stop here.
too; if this is your first poem, then you've already got an extremely good feel for your own environment.
- keep up the good work man, i liked this.
#5
Hey, thank you a lot for the critique on mine. It's pretty rare for me to get any comments these days, so it means a lot.

For your first poem, I've gotta say that this is pretty damn good.

I just don't really feel much coherency in the ideas in here. I'd love to see each little bit expanded on more and looked at more in depth; at the moment it's just these nice sounding words and an obvious flair for poetic language but it doesn't connect enough with me to leave a big impact.

There's not too much for me to critique here, most people have mentioned my thoughts already.

Oh, and the rhyming works really well. Doesn't feel forced at all.

Good job.
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#6
Well, the poem is about chasing the American dream of wealth and success. Not living comfortably, but living like huge celebrities. This striving has been portrayed to me through the "reality" television shows about celebrities and how they spend their money and blah blah blah.

Anyway, I liken it to trying to catch a certain piece of rubbish on a crowded, ten-lane highway; I'm sure it can be done, but there's a huge risk in the undertaking. I didn't want to just say that in the poem, so I tried to allude to it using all these terms about roads.

So the first stanza is about always going after the dream from childhood, thus the opening line "out of the cradle, endlessly rocking." I thought it humorous that that's the title of a certain American poet's more famous poem. It's a play on unused words. The center couplet then fast-forwards to the more adult character, who's been losing sleep trying to pursue this American dream. You can use your imagination as to how that might work.

And then, the big hitter: "American dream, through the thoroughfare chasing." It summed up the previous lines nicely, packing them tightly away.

And then we move on to a new stanza, where we take the thoroughfare and make it a bit more concrete. (heh) So I talk about the yellow-lined pavement, meaning street marks, and how if you ignore them, you can easily be a victim to the highway. I liken the marks to the structure you abandon by trying to do more with your money. You have your salary, but you can invest in stocks and what have you, and can end up on the street, bleeding. I liken that to a financial car crash. =P

And even when you're going downhill, you're still striving for that extra money; thus the line "entreating their fleeting hope into their basin." And I decided to end it with the same line as the last stanza, "American dream, through the thoroughfare chasing." It seemed to hit harder by being heard a second time, and gave it a little more cohesion.

That's the idea, and I don't know what lines to add from here. I want to add at least one more stanza, two ideally. =P
Last edited by my name is Pete at Apr 26, 2008,
#7
I've been out of the cradle, enter endlessly rocking
the first line is ok.. i dont really have anything negative nor positive to say
Shirking sleep, out of my bed ever tossing
mmm i feel like you could represent sleeplessness better then saying shirking sleep. and to fit it all in maybe take out the part about out of my bed and ever tossing. because it doesnt relaly do anything but restate taht your not sleeping
Untold of nights lost in the midnight slump pacing
mm this is aight
American dream, through the thoroughfare chasing.this is fine too

i felt that you could do without -ing at the end of every line. i think it takes more away from the piece then it actually helps. many times it sounds forced.

Yellow-lined pavement, to others holds meaning.
intresting idea. the yellow brick road.
For people unclear, on the street they lay bleeding
mm try to put a little spin on them bleeding on the street.
Entreating their fleeting hope into their basin
pretty solid line
American dream, through the thoroughfare chasing.
repeat

over all like i said in the un bolded little blurp i think the -ing relaly took away the possibilities you could have had with this piece. ususally i'm a big fan of rhyming as well but there should be a line a writer should draw saying that too much is too much. a plan is only good until the battle starts.
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#8
let'ssssss get tooo it.

I've been out of the cradle, enter endlessly rocking
Shirking sleep, out of my bed ever tossing


i immediately thought this rhyme scheme would limit you and it definitely seems to throughout the piece. you also seem to have fallen in love with internal rhyming - which can be used to great effect in some places, but if you over-use it, it will become less effective - and this also seems to hinder it. it's like you know what you want to say, but can't quite, because of the restrictions you've forced upon yourself. try forgetting rhyme, write what you want to write, and in time rhyming will come naturally. i did, though, like 'shirking sheep'. and also how it opens with a semi-abstract line. you don't give away too much too soon, which is good.

Untold of nights lost in the midnight slump pacing
American dream, through the thoroughfare chasing.

where did american dream come from? yeah, cradle and nights etc, i get that. but perhaps if you referenced the american dream idea in the first couple of lines somehow, it would tie in better. i quickly get tired of phrases such as 'through the thoroughfare', it's just not my kinda thing, so if i come across as harsh - take it in stride. content picks up in these two lines, i thought, but again - would have liked it if the american dream didn't come out of the blue quite as much

Yellow-lined pavement, to others holds meaning.
For people unclear, on the street they lay bleeding
Entreating their fleeting hope into their basin
American dream, through the thoroughfare chasing.


hmm, i appreciated the repetition and how you ended on an already used line. and i liked 'yellow-lined pavement'. but these four lines are overloaded with examples of what i didn't like in the beginning; and things like 'on the street they lay bleeding' for example, really got on my tits. purely because of how unnatural it sounds: i'm pretty sure most people in normal conversation would be more likely to say 'they were lying on the street bleeding'. or you know, something similar. i guess this 'traditional' poetic thing really ain't my scene. but, as i say, i did like some of the ideas. particularly 'entreating their fleeting hope'.


the topic was good too. usually when you read somebody's first piece, you get the ol' "babe, don't leave / can't you see / i'm beggin' / baby, don't leave me" type of thing. but this was quite far from it. so yeah, well done on that.

i'm sure this is a hell of a lot better than my first few poems were. i guess, cut down on the rhyming and ABAB type schemes, would probably be my summary. hey, you could have not read all that **** above. haha.

tthanks for the post on my piece.