#1
I don't know how to talk to girls
But there you are in front of me
You're not paying much attention
Cause I'm boring you with my:

Anarchy and socialism
Why can't I just shut my
damn brain off for just a minute.
Major labels, indie labels
You don't really care about my
Crazy social issues.

So am I boring you yet?
I see you're looking tired.
(Am I) Boring you yet?
Know I'm not what's desired
(Am I) Boring you yet?
I don't know how to talk to girls like you
who don't care about this stuff.


That's what I have so far, What I plan to do, is keep the first part of the lyrics the same the "verse" and the middle section the "pre-chorus" if you will, I'd change up the lyrics each time in there, to demonstrate different things I'm "boring her with"

I'd appreciate along with crits maybe some ideas to fill in the different parts with, make the song more relatable for others.
#2
ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... uh what soory i was bored
lol . i couldnt resist seems ok tho keep workin
#3
Quote by F8iscruel
ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... uh what soory i was bored
lol . i couldnt resist seems ok tho keep workin

What a crit.

Well, it seems that this is a bit bland, I don't know if that's what you were going for, but whatever. I think you could use a bit more... uncommon vocabulary. It just seems like you were using words people hear everyday. Just so this isn't TOO hypocritical, I was commented today with someone saying the same exact thing to me. So we have the same problem.
Now, I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy this, I thought it was interesting. Maybe you could check out my latest and crit it? It's in my sig.

-Alex
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish
What kind of people do you want this relatable to?



People who always have too much on their minds, never actually just going with the flow of things.

Quote by ratmblink123
What a crit.

Well, it seems that this is a bit bland, I don't know if that's what you were going for, but whatever. I think you could use a bit more... uncommon vocabulary. It just seems like you were using words people hear everyday. Just so this isn't TOO hypocritical, I was commented today with someone saying the same exact thing to me. So we have the same problem.
Now, I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy this, I thought it was interesting. Maybe you could check out my latest and crit it? It's in my sig.

-Alex


I agree with you on that, I think it coudl use a definite edit, use some different wording, although this is a rough draft of a rough draft, and I wrote it at about 3 in the morning.
#6
Well to be honest, I don't dislike the piece, I actually don't agree with what your saying! I know that sounds daft, your looking for criticism after all. Its just that I personally perceive girls as being uninterested if you DON'T talk about the subjects you mentioned, "Anarchy and socialism".
This is just me and my experiences of course, but if you ask me, you need to find another heart throb. If this person in discussion really has disdain for people who concern themselves with worldly issues and not pathetic theatricals, then walk away and stop loosing sleep over it. Its important to have dreams and 'crushes', whatever term you want bestow on the matter. But like the line emphasis's, "I don't know how to talk to girls like you who don't care about this stuff," why are you concerning yourself over a person who has no apparant distinction, when you obviously have a far more definable and distinguishable impact on the planet and its inhabitants?
#7
The simple truth?

She's purty.

I don't know, lol, it's just attraction, and I'm only 16, and in high school.
#8
Well then thats cool! I didn't mean to seem overbearing in any way. Its just I thought you might like to know. I didn't realise it was that simple. Sorry mate. Can I give one suggestion? What I love to see in a song is someone asking a question, as you did, "Why can't I just shut my damn brain off for just a minute?" But instead of leaving it at that, why not answer the question? This surprises the reader and listener because the majority of songs always ask something but leave it up to you to answer and half the people I know don't even bother. So maybe giving people your opinion on why you can't shut your head off? That way, the song becomes more personal as well.
For instance, "Why can't I just shut my damn brain off for just a minute?...the rattling cords are creating barriers. The shapes have etched their complex ideas in my patterns and they can't be redrawn." - It ain't great mate but its something to give you an idea.
#9
Potential to be a good punk song, a little wordy here and there but so far so good.
by the way you'll get the girl.