#1
crits returned. thanks.

___

the truth


oh, tonight;
a firework show in black and white.
a thousand tiny lights
strung out in a line and left to hang.
making art in the grass;
a game of faint brush strokes
and drunken harangues.
interpretative design,
a couplet; dreamy eyes and
bottles of wine.
a pin-striped and rose cheeked
gymnast on a wire,
a circus on fire,
god and the ethereal choir.

a spaceship caught in flight;
a firework show flashing bright.
a million blinking lights
hung up like a sign above where we stand.
words written in glass;
some sort of greeting cloaked
by trembling hands.
associates of the divine,
a couplet; vacant eyes and
fetal-shaped spines.
aliens with green skin and three heads
and breath of fire,
crazy-men and liars,
god and the ethereal choir.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Jun 7, 2008,
#2
Right off the bat, I'd just like to say that I really like your vocabulary. Harangues and ethereal were words that really stood out to me. You don't hear those in most of these poems.

Other than that, I like the meter, I like the flow. I also took note of how you didn't try too hard to rhyme between lines, but kept the same assonance between stanzas. That's good form.

But for the work as a whole, I don't know what kind of emotion you're going for. When I read through it quickly, I get a kind of wistful nostalgia-type feeling. That's based off the setting the first halves of both stanzas set up. But looking deeper into some of the latter lines, it looks like you might be going for a different emotion. I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to feel from it.

But as far as the style goes, I'd consider this the best thing I've seen today. Good job, 9/10.

You can find mine in my sig.
#3
I love these descriptions. I'm also very disappointed in the fact that this doesn't have more comments than it already does.

I agree with the guy above me - best poem I've seen in this particular style for....well, damn, I don't even know how long it's been.

If you'd just read mine I'd appreciate it; no crit, as this was not a crit. - distilling boredom.
#4
I was gonna do a line-by-line, but to be honest it wouldn't accomplish much. For what this was, it was good. You used creative lines and images to describe it, you painted a pretty picture and you did so with a lot of quirky but original ideas. Your vocab well exceeds mine, as does your control of flow. Like I said, for what it was, it was good. I found, as I always do with this style, that when I was done reading it... I sort of nodded my head and was ready to move on. There was nothing to really engage me and make me take note of what you wrote. It was pretty and nice, but it won't be something I remember a week from now. It just didn't say anything to me. I'm sorry... I may be missing something too. But, to me, this just was. It was there, but it didn't make me think or consider what you were saying.

Like the otehrs said, one of the best I've ever read in this style, its just not my style.

Thanks for getting to mine, sorry it confused you.

-zC
#5
Quote by Snowblind 911
crits returned. thanks.

___

the truth


oh, tonight;
a firework show in black and white.
a thousand tiny lights
strung out in a line and left to hang.
making art in the grass;
a game of faint brush strokes
and drunken harangues.
interpretative design,
a couplet; dreamy eyes and
bottles of wine.
a pin-striped and rose cheeked
gymnast on a wire,
a circus on fire,
god and the ethereal choir.

a spaceship caught in flight;
a firework show flashing bright.
a million blinking lights
hung up in like a sign above where we stand.
words written in glass;
some sort of greeting cloaked
by trembling hands.
associates of the divine,
a couplet; vacant eyes and
fetal-shaped spines.
aliens with green skin and three heads
and breath of fire,
crazy-men and liars,
god and the ethereal choir.


I really liked the repetition, but with the idea changed as the piece progresses.

The overall imagery is well used. You have a way with words and flow, which sets you above the rest. Kudos to you, my friend. Kudos.





Keep it up.
I hate my username, it all happened in a rush


████████████████████████████████████████████
████████████████████████████████████████████
████████████████████████████████████████████
#6
I really enjoyed this. It flowed very nicely and your word choice was excellent
I agree with pete, you just dont see anybody use those types of words anymore like you did.
This has definately been the best piece ive seen so far today.
Keep up the good work =)
I'll be looking out for your next one!
#7
the rhyming you had in this piece felt weird, but i shouldn't be complaining, it was more original and wasn't a lame ABAB pattern. so i guess i applaud you for that. your vocabulary is strong and that's good.

the thing about this piece is that i didn't feel particularly interested. there was nothing to relate to, but i guess you were trying to portray atmosphere.
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"
#8
That is really nice vocab.
I'm a pianist and a poet,
and someday the world will know it
But until then all that I can do
is play my songs for you.

Wallflower says: Thank You! But my friend Odd is, well, feeling odd.
#9
Thanks. For everyone, I know this piece is dead now, but meh, lol.
I wasn't really trying to evoke any emotional response.
It was just examining the different perspectives people have on what is considered true.
By evoking an emotional response in the reader all I'm doing is forcing them to show bias.
This is more of a question than a statement.
<_< >_>

Thanks for compliment on mah vocab. I try.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#11
great poem. jus minor problems with punctuation and the use of semi colon...but a great piece . kudos
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Quote by somewhat_here

i wish i was fat so i can buy xxl clothes during liquidation
#12
the truth

oh, tonight;
a firework show in black and white.
a thousand tiny lights
strung out in a line and left to hang.

this made me think of ‘let to hang’ instead of ‘left..’
but also, I really liked these first four lines, they really put a visual in your head and make you want to read on.. but still beware that the author could still screw you over and write about something cheesy or chiche



making art in the grass;

didn’t really like.. – but hey, there’s a lot of thing s one or a few could do ‘in the grass’ and would prob be easy to come up w/ something besides ‘making art’.. and ok, I’m not trying to be dumb here, but a famous poet, maybe wordsworth, wrote something about, and I’m paraphrasing here, plucking grass hanging out with your lady friend, .. maybe some image like that besides making art ..

a game of faint brush strokes

it’s intriguing, one wonders what else there is to these words of faint brush strokes


and drunken harangues.

I agree w/ other critiques in that everything about this line is nice


interpretative design,

this would flow off the tongue nicely


a couplet; dreamy eyes and

(see comment on words ‘a couplet’ below)
maybe a different kind of ‘eyes’, .. dreamy is kind of clicktsch.


bottles of wine.

like this solid visual


a pin-striped and rose cheeked

liked pin striped more than rose cheeked.. rose cheeked has possibility of making you think of a child’s face on his first day of first grade or something silly like that

gymnast on a wire,

cool how it refers to ‘bird on a wire’, i.e. Leonard cohen song and movie starring the star mel gibson in all his 80’s grandeur

a circus on fire,
god and the ethereal choir.

I think that if you want to reference imagery of a circus on fire, you might have to dedicate a few more lines to the description of a circus caught on fire.. could be cool, but you’d have to maybe decide if you want to take it all or leave it all.
do like, have no real problems with last line, ‘god and the ethereal choir’



a spaceship caught in flight;

but, now, the reader/listener see’s this as maybe a red flag of sorts as per the original intrigue, but guard-ness. this could mess things up



a firework show flashing bright.

but somewhat forgiven and ‘can relax again’ w/ this line in reference to a spaceship giving you a ‘firework show’.. a very cool image.. although stretching bounds of reality. so, listener/reader cannot fully ‘relax’, .. still a bit wary.


a million blinking lights
hung up like a sign above where we stand.

don’t like word ‘hung’, or ‘sign’, .. sign reminds me of everyday advertisements, something I don’t want to have to think about when reading writings, and word ‘hung’ w/ reference to ‘lights’, .. kind of works but I think that you could probably come up with something better that you’d be able to be like ‘yeah’


words written in glass;

now , I’ve been waiting to get to this line. this in my opinion is the best line in the piece. not that the rest of the piece isn’t good, because much of it is and it’s got potential, but this line is just a straight winner, balls out.

some sort of greeting cloaked

now, straight-away confusion, until you realize that ‘cloaked’ is rhymed with ‘brush strokes’. feels very forced, .. and , I think at this point, many readers are liable to turn off, because of the dis-connect with this line. maybe use this line as a place to re-state something previously written or metaphorically imaged.


by trembling hands.

this too, I don’t like. makes me feel all lord of the rings with a wizard who’s a thousand years old and he’s got trembling hands and he’s wearing a cloak. also, when realize that it’s rhymed with ‘harangues’ you immediately think that the first one was better and this one was just chosen at random because hands is a close rhyme and ‘shaking hands’ is an image in the greater zeitgeist or common imagination, and there’s nothing particularly stimulating or interesting about that image, .. may be kind of cliché

associates of the divine,

this, I don’t like this one much either. just don’t


a couplet; vacant eyes and

I don’t know if I like the use of the words ‘a couplet’ here, - it doesn’t seem to make sense, .. like ‘2 things’ , or ‘check these two things out’, .. it seems a bit of an overhighsocietymember word to use maybe.. also, vacant eyes is usually in reference to heroin use, .. is that an element in this piece? perhaps, other drugs? I don’t see any other reference or connection to it, and if it’s about the aliens who have vacant eyes, that doesn’t make sense, because if you’re flying a spaceship around the galaxy, you can’t be ‘pretty vacant’, .. you’ve got to be sharp as a blimin’ tack!

fetal-shaped spines.

a bit ambivalent about this visual,- I like it, because a fetal shaped spine is a fetal spine, - a fetus’ spine, and that’s a wicked visual. it might be though slightly over the ‘gross’ line.



aliens with green skin and three heads
and breath of fire,

I’ve already thought this to myself about four times- all about four times I’ve read this passage probably, and in my opinion this’ got to be sacked- cut. see, you’re not sure if the spaceship is really a spaceship or a metaphor, or an alien hanging out at the supermarket. like, it doesn’t jump out at you that this 2nd stanza could be about an alien, and then blam!, talkin about aliens.


crazy-men and liars,

- made me think ‘us liars’


god and the ethereal choir.
__________________

so that’s my two cents. I liked parts of it, I think that ‘words written in glass’ is the best line in the piece, and overall, especially like was said by others who critiqued this one, there is some really good word choice where flow is regarded, words that are rarely used but you didn’t use them like pompusly here or anything. but, it’s also ripe for some editing, especially as in my opinion some of the lines in the second part of the second stanza seem force-rhymed with the first, - the reader kind of goes ‘ah, I see what he was trying to do here’, instead of ‘oh, cool..’ or what have you. but some really cool imagery in here too.. I mean, if this were re-worked a little bit (i.e. no mention of anything with three heads or green skin or art in the grass or a cloak or the word ‘couplet’ or trembling hands or breathing fire or ‘devine’ – or the comparison between dreamy eyes and/or vacant eyes either (seems a little too easy a comparison and reader thinks more the writer chose these two words for the simplicity, and we want to read something that was sweated over! ah hem, I should turn some of that criticism inwards sometime!)). but, on a grade scale, of imagination and creativity and technique, the teacher gives you a solid ‘B’. Unless it’s a college class, where you are docked a grade sometimes automatically. good job though


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=880344
Last edited by parkt921k at Jun 11, 2008,
#13
The one thing I really loved about this Nate was the mirroring of the stanzas. It was executed with a perfect blend of technique and subtletey.


the truth

oh, tonight;
a firework show in black and white.
a thousand tiny lights
strung out in a line and left to hang.
making art in the grass;
a game of faint brush strokes
and drunken harangues.
interpretative design,
a couplet; dreamy eyes and
I did not like the ceasura emplyed here. For me unneccessary and harms the flow considerably.
bottles of wine.
a pin-striped and rose cheeked
gymnast on a wire,
a circus on fire,
I loved, absoloutely loved, how these two lines went with the line of fireworks earlier. Great symmetry and cohesion. Great.
god and the ethereal choir.

a spaceship caught in flight;
a firework show flashing bright.
a million blinking lights
hung up like a sign above where we stand.
words written in glass;
some sort of greeting cloaked
by trembling hands.
associates of the divine,
a couplet; vacant eyes and
fetal-shaped spines.
aliens with green skin and three heads
Usually I wouldn't like such a shift, but for some reason this works very well here.
and breath of fire,
crazy-men and liars,
god and the ethereal choir.


Wow, one of the leamest critiques I've given out in a while. But this impressed me.

One thing I would pick up on is that I only just got took away something out of it. It took a few reads. Which isn't a bad thing. The point I'm making is that there's nothing immediate theme/topic wise for the reader to form an emotive response from; something which I happen to think is a good thing to do. Each to his own though. I just thought this might have needeed a bit more on the surface so we had something to launch from to get down into the depths.

This was a worthy read. I'm sorry I took so long to get to it. And then failed to deliver much, if any, advice. In a way I still think in the future you'll look back on this and laugh at how much better you are writing. This really did seem like a step in the right direction for you, the mastery of language was great and it really shows good thought and a clever poetic head.

Still awaiting the sestina, though.