#1
I didn't actually mold the poem around the David and Goliath theme, I'm not even a Christian, but its an underdog story all the same and I like the imagery the allusion invokes. Suggestions for improvement would be appreciated . C4C.

I see through my enemy;
he sees, but cannot see
through his own purported symmetry
to see a man, like me.

The beta male tucks his tail,
like a ship without a sail.

I hear people laughing
at my inadequacies exposed.
Recessive genes,
excessive protein,
a jester and a giant, juxtaposed.

I see people gawking but they are not grokking me;
my body keeps on walking but my mind is running free.

Might makes right is dull gruel,
I will not bow to a brawny fool;
by a pebble's bite, righteous tools
and swift insight the servant rules.
Last edited by Santeria420 at Apr 27, 2008,
#2
Quote by Santeria420
I didn't actually mold the poem around the David and Goliath theme, I'm not even a Christian, but its an underdog story all the same and I like the imagery the allusion invokes. Suggestions for improvement would be appreciated . C4C.

I see through my enemy;
he sees, but cannot see
through his own purported symmetry
to see a man, like me.
I like the beginning of this, begins with a good sense of rhythm with the first line.
I really like this stanza. The use of rhyme, especially with symmetry and me, even if it's simple, it's effective in what it's trying to say. Brilliant


The beta male tucks his tail,
like a ship without a sail.
Sounds like a sexual metaphor :p Good imagery, but I'm not sure what this is trying to convey!

I hear people laughing
at my inadequacies exposed.
Recessive genes,
excessive protein,
a jester and a giant, juxtaposed.
Good couplet at the start there and I really like the flow from inadequacies exposed. My only critism is the excessive protein line, kinda kills the flow abit, even if it does fit in the grand scheme of the stanza. The final line is brilliant

I see people gawking but they are not grokking me;
my body keeps on walking but my mind is running free.
Grokking? Very interesting word, never heard of it before. I love the internal rhyme between gawking grokking and walking. And the last line of the stanza is brilliant. Excellent imagery!

Might makes right is dull gruel,
I wont bow to a brawny fool;
by a pebble's bite, righteous tools
and swift insight the servant rules.
Wow. Seriously. The best stanza by far. Conveys the final showdown and ends with it a thud! Just like Goliath was

Overall excellent piece. Very unique style of writing. It mixes some simple rhyming schemes with unorthodox word arrangement, but still manages to flow.
#4
Sounds like a sexual metaphor :p Good imagery, but I'm not sure what this is trying to convey!


Thats awesome. It could definitely be interpreted sexually but all I'm really trying to convey is a sense of powerlessness and defeat.


Grokking? Very interesting word, never heard of it before.


I was hoping someone would point that out since its probably my favorite word. It was coined by the legendary science fiction writer Robert A. Heinlein in his masterpiece novel "Stranger in a Strange Land." Its supposed to be an alien word that has a lot of subtle meanings but basically boils down to profound understanding. /fanboyism. Thanks for the critique.

nice i like the flow of it. juxtaposed made my list of cool words.


Indeed my friend, juxtaposed is a very cool word. Since you got good taste I guess I can forgive your largely unhelpful critique
#5
Quote by Santeria420
I didn't actually mold the poem around the David and Goliath theme, I'm not even a Christian, but its an underdog story all the same and I like the imagery the allusion invokes. Suggestions for improvement would be appreciated . C4C.

I see through my enemy;
he sees, but cannot see
through his own purported symmetry
to see a man, like me.
Starts off good, good imagery and it captures the mood you're conveying. Perhaps a couple more syllables in the last line to continue the flow of the rest of the stanza.

The beta male tucks his tail,
like a ship without a sail.
Also good, these two stanzas were actually really well written. I really like the connotations of beta male, like Goliath's henchmen giving the spoiled giant his way even if they know he's wrong.

I hear people laughing
at my inadequacies exposed.
Good, has a cadential flow for certain.
Recessive genes,
excessive protein,
Although it does capture your ideas, the plural of gene breaks the flow a little...personal preference disclaimer though.
a jester and a giant, juxtaposed.
Overall, excellent...an interesting theme has arisen, definitely worth finishing the piece for an idle mind, readers can connect with this kind of writing. However, the last line could do with a little caesura: "A jester, to a giant juxtaposed," or even "A jester to, a giant juxtaposed." I know the latter suggestion doesn't make any sense, but I like to break up sentences where it feels like they need it. Of course, this is a personal thing as well, disregard as needed.

I see people gawking but they are not grokking me;
my body keeps on walking but my mind is running free.
"Grokking" is perfect...a new word, raises interest, I think I'll read the last lines to find out who is grokking you and what that entails. Very effective

Might makes right is dull gruel,
I wont bow to a brawny fool;
by a pebble's bite, righteous tools
Personally, I might change "righteous" to something akin to clattering to suggest more dinner motifs; however I am not disagreeing outright with your word choice because it fits perfectly.
and swift insight the servant rules.
Clever use of dinner connotations, it gives the effect of a dirty, messy barracks mess hall. Also, ends like it began with the same type of rhythm and rhyming.



Only a few puncuation mistakes, as well as capitalization. Not trying to be a grammar nazi or anything, just maybe some helpful tips for future reference. Traditionally you capitalize every new line, mainly is what hit me.
Also, the wont is missing an apostrophe. Contractions aren't widely used in formal writing or poetry (not applicable to contemporary poetry though, so disregard this if you want), but if you flipped the sentence around to something like "I am wont to bow to a brawny fool" (very basic, build up from there, it is your poem and your job!) or "loathe" instead, which carries much deeper character for it, that would help bring out your emotions as well.
Anyways, not trying to rip it to pieces because it was well developed and kept me attentive, it made me think mainly. Congrats and I wish you all the best in your future writing endeavors. I really hope I haven't discouraged you, because that is completely against my purpose.
#6
That is flow.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#7
Clever use of dinner connotations


That was completely unintentional, in fact I hadn't even thought of it until you mentioned it. I do love food, its always on my mind.

I really hope I haven't discouraged you, because that is completely against my purpose.


Not at all, I posted here because I wanted it ripped to pieces and I thank you for being honest. Your critique was very insightful and brought to my attention things I hadn't even thought of, like the beta male connotation, for instance. As for the capitalization, however unorthodox (or some may say unprofessional) my method is I like writing this way because it feels more natural to me. I changed 'won't' to 'will not' and I can't even understand why I wrote 'won't' in the first place, since its barely even a word really. Once again, thanks for being critical.


That is flow.


Thank you, freshtunes!
#8
Well, first of all, let me say thank you for the best critique I have ever recieved on UG.

I will follow that by saying i am sorry that everyhting i thought has been said already =(

But, to please you, I will tel you that this has some of the best flow and phrasing ive read on this site, and nice use of vocabulary.

I liked that you finished the poem with a point and an ending, it gives it a sense of purpose like a good story.

Kudos.
#9
Quote by Smoothrider_41
Well, first of all, let me say thank you for the best critique I have ever recieved on UG.

I will follow that by saying i am sorry that everyhting i thought has been said already =(

But, to please you, I will tel you that this has some of the best flow and phrasing ive read on this site, and nice use of vocabulary.

I liked that you finished the poem with a point and an ending, it gives it a sense of purpose like a good story.

Kudos.


I'm glad I could help! And thanks, to know I stand out in someone's mind as a good writer in any respect is just about the most I can ask for.