#1
I'm sick of kids in men's bodies
continuously stroking their angsty cocks
and of girls fueling on worst-case scenarios.
When things get out of hand
they'd lay there and do nothing.
Bathing in fragrant, semen-like enclosures,
holding home-made newspaper signs screaming
"I'm waiting for someone to show me who the fuck I am!"
I'm sick of people who lie to themselves everyday and
then claim that you can trust them,
I'm tired of predictable shameful acts ,
"accidental backfires",
of you just staying afloat.
It wasn't the pheromones.
You're not a confused girl.
You just need to learn how to get
a fucking hold of yourself.
#3
Quote by circular.parade
I'm sick of kids in men's bodies
continuously stroking their angsty cocks
and of girls fueling on worst-case scenarios.

Wow. Just wow. Easily the strongest "first three lines" I've ever read on here. Only thing I didn't like was "continuously." I know it needs to be there, just didn't like the way it read.

When things get out of hand
they'd lay there and do nothing.
Bathing in fragrant, semen-like enclosures,
holding home-made newspaper signs screaming
"I'm waiting for someone to show me who the fuck I am!"
I'm sick of people who lie to themselves everyday and
then claim that you can trust them,

The fuck seemed unnecessary. The point could have been made without it, and to me it adds a level of immaturity that you've been tip-toeing with words like "****" and "semen," and that just sends it over the edge.

I'm tired of predictable shameful acts ,
"accidental backfires",
of you just staying afloat.
It wasn't the pheromones.
You're not a confused girl.
You just need to learn how to get
a fucking hold of yourself.

Also, the above "fvck" really cheapens this one, which is a shame because it should impact so much more. I also hate the "it wasn't...confused girl" couplet. It just seemed plain and uninspired compared to the rest of this. To be honest, other than the last two lines, this section didn't hold hte same intensity as the first two. The opening 5 are just... ordinary and predictable, they are the same things everyone is "tired of."



A very solid piece and a good read. Just feels like it could use a once over on the ending... needs a stronger closing... as it sort of wears down and then peaks in your final lines. In a piece this short, any loss of intensity is multiplied by the fact that I was only reading for a minute and will remember that drop off. I liked it a lot though.

-zC
#4
Quote by circular.parade


[BOO]


I'm sick of kids in men's bodies
continuously stroking their angsty cocks
"contiously" was the wrong word choice here, Mat. You can't use a word that has a stick up it's arse in the same line as "angsty cocks". From first view, from this opening, there's a slight apprehension in me. Why? Because it's not as if you're too much older than the kids you are talking about, if you get what I mean. This piece reeks of wanting to have more years under it's writers belt than it has. Well, the first two lines do.
and of girls fueling on worst-case scenarios.
"of" was weirdly placed here. I think it reads better without it. Cool line though. "Fuelling" was a nice word choice. Nice connotations to drugs. Well, not nice, but you get what I mean.
When things get out of hand
they'd lay there and do nothing.
Eew, awkward phrasing in this second line here. "they'd lay there" is icky. "They'd rather lay there" is better. Actually you could have a better image, put some jazz into it.
Bathing in fragrant, semen-like enclosures,
Lovely imagery. "fragrant" has a briilliant satrical flick to it.
holding home-made newspaper signs screaming
"I'm waiting for someone to show me who the fuck I am!"
No. No. No. You do not swear, especially with the same word, when you swear in your last line. You just don't. You lose impact. You lose impact. You lose impact. It wasn't even greatly used here, I didn't think. Ididn't like the home-made newspaper thingy anyways, but this curse definitely does not belong here. Get lost.
I'm sick of people who lie to themselves everyday and
then claim that you can trust them,
Good idea, but the execution was kind of too-much-telly, not-enough-showy. Like you had this point and idea you wanted the reader to know about, but didn't have a good place for it. Kind of feels ranty here, too.
I'm tired of predictable shameful acts ,
Comma or "and" between "predictable shameless" here. Or if you are going for "predictable shameful" thenthe phrasing sucks balls. "predictbaly shameless" would fit better, it actually acts as a modifier then rather than an abstract noun.
"accidental backfires",
Hmm. I don't particualry like the quotes because I have never really heard the phrase "accidental backfires" in this context. But this may be an each to his own thing.
of you just staying afloat.
Again, like the opening three lines, the distance between this "of" and the "I'm tired" it is referring to seems to great. It loses impact and can make the reader trip up a bit. Jussayin'. But it's something I'd look out for in the future; your idea and the key narrative point.
It wasn't the pheromones.
You're not a confused girl.
Loved the first line. Second seemed poorer next to it, but works.
You just need to learn how to get
a fucking hold of yourself.
See, if you didn't curse earlier this would be a great ending. But you did, so all effect that the ****ing would have given is lost. But I think you know this so I won't prattle on about it.


Overall this was cool. On a thorough read-through I don't feel quite as gung-ho as I did in my previous post, but I still felt it was solid more than disappointing. I think you can generally write with better brains (by that I don't mean execution, I mean in the thinking behhind each specific word/phrase). That said, it's something different, so hey. It's fun to do that sometimes. And yo have some cool ideas you can write a whole piece with (fuelling worst case scenarios, for example.)

Could you take a look at Thunderstorm in my sig? Thanks if you can Mat.
#5
I thought this seemed less mature than your other poems.

Not just because of the curses but really because of the whole approach and feel to it. The rhyming, half-rhyming, all seemed a little half-assed. Maybe it seemed rushed.

The speech was good, I thought. And I liked some parts of the confrontational tone. But some lines seemed a little over the top and forced, tbh. For example, "You're not a confused girl. / You just need to learn how to get / a ****ing hold of yourself." could be put so much more subtlety. And I know this was probably meant to read angrily, frustrated, whatever, but if you approached it with more thought and caution I think it could be a whole lot better.

It just lacked the cleverness of your previous pieces.

As far as the subject goes, I think you were trying to sum up a huge chunk of life in just one poem. Recently, I'm not in the mood for these kind of reads. I think you should have concentrated on certain points (perhaps like the "Bathing in fragrant" lines) and expanded on the stronger ideas.

If you're returning, I've got a poem up, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=847456, but don't feel obliged as I think I kinda owed you one.
#7
Alright sorry guys, I just got back from an unexpected hiking trip. I needed it. I agree with most of what you guys said, this piece was just a rant anyway. Jamie, that critique was golden, thank you very much. I probably will edit this shortly.
Zach too, thanks a lot mate, I owe you quite a lot now.

thanks to Dan and sam too.


edit : the "of" in the third line was so it made grammatical sense. I feared that without it, it seemed like they were also stroking girls fueling on worst-case scenarios...
#8
The cursing in my opinion fit in with the bluntness and pure honesty of the piece. I thought you were just kind of telling it how it is. In a previous statement you said it was just "a rant away." Yes, I can see that but I think in this instance it enables you to truly express the sentiments you wanted to get through. It was almost as all the frustration had poured onto paper what seemed to be a well written piece. The only true negative I have is the fact that, as previously mentioned, I don't see it fitting into any kinda of rythym to a song, but not everything is meant to go to music.
#10
Very honest and upfront. I enjoy the structure.

Very bad ass, I enjoy the piece fully and I don't think I can pick out anything that I would think needs improved.
#11
I'm sick of kids in men's bodies
continuously stroking their angsty cocks
and of girls fueling on worst-case scenarios.
Fueling on, seemed highly awkward to me. I like the undertones and impact this made, it's set the tone, nice and loose.
When things get out of hand
they'd lay there and do nothing.
I agree with Jamie on the 'rather' here. Or at least remove the ellipsis.
Bathing in fragrant, semen-like enclosures,
holding home-made newspaper signs screaming
I'd just add 'while' after signs, just to set the line up slightly better.
"I'm waiting for someone to show me who the **** I am!"
Perhaps 'hell' instead of ****? Turning the anger into angst would work to your advantage at this point in the piece?
I'm sick of people who lie to themselves everyday and
then claim that you can trust them,
Consider removing the 'that' it'd read a little better imo.
I'm tired of predictable shameful acts,
comma, nuff said.
"accidental backfires",
of you just staying afloat.
It wasn't the pheromones.
You're not a confused girl.
You just need to learn how to get
a ****ing hold of yourself.

Clear concise ending. As far as the piece goes, it's not my favourite style by any means, but I sure as hell can feel the intent and feeling in this, which is more than can be said for similar pieces. I like seeing writers suddenly come out with a piece like this, it shows emotion that would not normally be revealed.

peACE man.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.