#1
kinda jumbled... just stuff i wrote down... anyway let me know what you guys think...

these kids all look dazed
strung out in a haze
know exactly where they'll be found
they'll be dead in the ground
next time im around.

always lookin for escapes
by now its much to late
knowin full well you should quit
cuz your lifes gone to ****
and your so sick of it

wish you could stop the pain
trys always end in vain
fix up get ready here we go
end up at a show
with some kids you dont know


on the topic of relationships
trust me you dont wanna start that trip
this things never ganna turn out right
each and every night
ends in a fight

pray on insecurities
puts my broken heart at ease
never had any feelings of remorse
for the things that i do
the way i affect you

just so you know im glad
for the good times and the bad
discord intoxicates me
why cant you see
this pain sets me free
#3
thanks darlin im glad you liked it its one of the few pieces that actually make it out of my head onto paper lol

what did you like about it? what made it good? where there any parts you thought needed work? was it to scattered? does it tie itself together? do you think it needs a verse to tie the 3ed and the 4th stanza together?
#4
these kids all look dazed
strung out in a haze
know exactly where they'll be found
they'll be dead in the ground
next time im around.

mm intresting start. i have no qualms with it, but i think it could be better.

always lookin for escapes
by now its much to late
knowin full well you should quit
cuz your lifes gone to ****
and your so sick of it

mm mm this is an ok stanza. i suppose. nothing flagrant about it but i think it definitely could use some brushing up. and try to describe whats so ****ty about life?

wish you could stop the pain
trys always end in vain
fix up get ready here we go
end up at a show
with some kids you dont know

mm the first part is a bit cliche, with pain and trying to make it stop but in vain. the last 3 lines are pretty good tho.


on the topic of relationships
trust me you dont wanna start that trip
this things never ganna turn out right
each and every night
ends in a fight

lmao i totally agree the depression of a pointless relationship.

pray on insecurities
puts my broken heart at ease
never had any feelings of remorse
for the things that i do
the way i affect you

mmm

just so you know im glad
for the good times and the bad
discord intoxicates me
why cant you see
this pain sets me free

jez.. best damn stanza in this whole piece..

Overall, i must be honest, some of these points seemed cliche, and many of the idea's you brought up are valid, BUT you never really...mm.. went into depth with them, developed them to their maximum potential. you should perhaps think about using similes and metaphors to spice up your witting. and you seem to carry this notion that rhyming will make any piece better, and yes it will but anything that you over use become cloy, and it turns from an asset to a detriment. so sorry to be so brutal. i liked it more then i seemed to but hey if you posted it you should be ready for the punishment eh? ;-) no worries keep writting eh. gl. look at one of mine? in sig
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#5
^

glad someone took it apart...

anyway i feel alot of what your saying on it... the vain and pain thing i completely agree with you on... as far as exploring why life is as sh*ty i think it would be kinda hard for me to explore in the structure i have set up... i tend to kinda stick with rhyme schemes... in this case maybe to a fault... but ill give it a shot

yeah i think the last part is the best... which is kinda funny... but who says ending strong is a bad thing