#1
For some reason I was moved to express myself today...
Here's my attempt at it. Tell me what you think and I'll return the favor.


.......................................................................................................................................


I see the picturesque leaves scattered across the ground
Such beauty, such emotion, such color
I begin to envy them even though I know I shouldn't
But then I realize, they're not much different from me
Torn apart from their branches,
left to be collected
Deserted by their hierarch
What will become of us now?
Last edited by adamacoustic at Apr 25, 2008,
#2
Good simile. Simple enough idea and relatable.

People may come saying 'beauty, color, emotion' thing is cliche, but I wouldn't listen to them. It's this kind of real life language that prevents the piece from being too far fetched.

Consider using 'us' instead of 'me' in the final line.

Don't have much to say on this. Feels complete.

If you could, any comments would be appreciated on part 1 or part 2: click
#4
Ahoy.

Like samoo said, this is a nice simile.

However, a few parts stick out to me as out of place. The use of 'picturesque' in the first line. I don't know why exactly, it just seems forced, and I'd really prefer to see use of more simplistic language to be honest.

In the next line; such emotion? Really? What's emotional about leaves on the ground? I can't think of much.

'deserted by their hierarch'. Upon a search of the definition apparently 'hierarch' is not a word. Were you going for hierarchy? Either way, I can't see how the word really fits. I know a hierarchy is like the order of importance in say, for example, a businesses employees.

I just don't see how it fits. Could you explain it maybe? Thanks.

Sorry for a lackluster crit... if you are returning could you hit the link in my sig? thanks.

Overall this was pretty good though.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#5
^ A hierarch is someone who has a high position in a hierarchy.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
Yeah I meant it sort of along the lines of master Like the tree was the leaves' master and it deserted them.
Its funny how things always seem to make alot more sense while your writing them ha
Thanks for the crit
I'll make sure to return the favor.