#1
hey guys, first song on the forum, thx for whatever critiques you have.

Outside the snow is frozen to the ground,
For six weeks we've been locked up in this house,
The last words that I've heard from you
I love you, I need you, I want you to
Quit.

Chorus:
Ive almost got everything that I need
Only a picture, and a dirty deed
When you come back home, I wont be here
Summer won't come back this year.

The glare from the moonlight is deafening
I spend all my time just thinking
Where you're at, I hope, the weather's nice
I can see my breath, and I can see through your lies.

All I've got so far.
Quote by Portuguese_boy
(Progressive Metal is) like playing Nirvana, but faster, with little or no powerchords, cleanly, with more technique, and complex time signatures.

#2
Thanks for all the help.
Quote by Portuguese_boy
(Progressive Metal is) like playing Nirvana, but faster, with little or no powerchords, cleanly, with more technique, and complex time signatures.

#3
mm ok i'll crit this but you gotta delete this post it's a bump. you can hardly expect crit's u HAVE to CRITIQUE toehrs if u want them to crit your's. and do it properly not some half ass critique too and no more bumping u get banned for that
i'll b back l8r i gtg now but i'll crit it when i get back
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#4
Outside the snow is frozen to the ground,
For six weeks we've been locked up in this house,
The last words that I've heard from you
I love you, I need you, I want you to
Quit.

mm i think that this stanza is very weak. it fails to conjure really a defined image that lasts... the 4th line seems.. kinda dull. it doesn't really explain why you've been in that house for 6 weeks, is it because of the snow? or cause the girl or guy is being a bitch or ass? veyr incoherent.

Chorus:
Ive almost got everything that I need
Only a picture, and a dirty deed
When you come back home, I wont be here
Summer won't come back this year.

nice little rhyme. the first rhyme is very forced, not good. i'm not into really this idea, it's been said b4 like if you leave then i ain't gonna be here when u get back kind of attitude.

The glare from the moonlight is deafening
I spend all my time just thinking
Where you're at, I hope, the weather's nice
I can see my breath, and I can see through your lies.

uhh ok.. thats nice? u can see your breath and you can see through the lies... maybe connect them a little. it can be tenuous at the least. i like the first line. but how does that connect to everything else? you go from being deaf to thinking. to wishing the person you despise is have a fine time on the beach.

Overall. it is very... splash n' dash. your emotion ranges are all over the chart. some rhymes were forced. flow was.. ok i didnt really notice anything flagrant. and once agian read my post b4. sorry if i came off cruel but this will help hopefully. good luck keep witting
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#6
"the moons glare is deafening"
doesn't make much sense.
the glare of the moon will effect your eyes; no your ears,
I am aware of cases where poets have used similar to effect
but in this case it doesn't work very well.

It's not a bad piece; just a bit bland.
There is just nothing unique; which I know no-one on here is really that unique;
but this is just a spurt of old cliches
"I can see my breath, I can see through your lines"
Is a pretty poor ending.

Read some poems, broaden your horizons and get some more ideas.
There is promise, I guess
But there is just no weight behined your words.

I do not believe you feel like this