#1
It's eight o'clock and I’m all alone
Stuck in this hotel staring at the phone
Fifteen hours on the road means nothing
When you feel Just like your hearts exploding

So just walk on out through the door
Just leave behind what you're working for
Yeah just walk on out through the door
Just return to the life you had before

And don’t say you love me
Please don’t say you need me
Just don’t say you want me
Right before you leave me

Its eight o'clock and I’m driving home
**** that hotel, and **** the phone
Fifteen hours on the road means everything
When your whole world explodes

And don’t say you love me
Please don’t say you need me
Just don’t say you want me
Right before you leave me
Swollen fingers of the Bass Militia, PM Dinkydaisy to join

--Gear--
AXE:Epiphone Thunderbird IV, Peavey Fury II, Jackson CB20
AMP:Peavey Pro 500
CAB:Ampeg BXT-410HL4
Last edited by orphenshadow at Apr 26, 2008,
#3
Okay, so i pretty much liked this piece. It was very straightforward, without a lot of descriptive techniques like metaphors and visual language, but sometimes that's okay.
Having said that...

It's eight o'clock and I’m all alone
Stuck in this hotel staring at the phone
Fifteen hours on the road means nothing
When you feel Just like your hearts exploding

OK, first of all, nothing and exploding don't rhyme. Maybe you didn't want it to rhyme?
Looking at these lyrics, your rhyme scheme seems to be: AABC AAAA AAAA ABCD AAAA. And in half the AAAA stanzas, you repeated the same end syllable.
So... that's real weird. It doesn't really work for me, it doesn't give the piece a sense of unity. In my opinion, you shouldn't have more that two rhyming patterns, maybe three if it works for some reason. Stick to maybe ABCD AAAA AAAA ABCD AAAA or something.
Otherwise, it really just doesn't sound... good.

So just walk on out through the door
Just leave behind what you're working for
Yeah just walk on out through the door
Just return to the life you had before

Door doesn't rhyme with door, and for doesn't rhyme with be-for. Unless your going for repetition, this doesn't really work.
On a more positive note, I like the last two lines - except that the meter's screwed up... and you start another line with "Just" which i think you may want to change.

And don’t say you love me
Please don’t say you need me
Just don’t say you want me
Right before you leave me

The first three lines are good.
In the third line, your accents are mixed up. the word "don't" is accented. the "be" in "before" is not. So you can see that the way you accent each line is different, which ends up sounding really bad if you say it outloud.
Other than that (I assume this is the chorus) this stanza works for me.

Its eight o'clock and I’m driving home
**** that hotel, and **** the phone
Fifteen hours on the road means everything
When your whole world explodes

I'd say that this stanza definitely has the most potential in this song. Do note that there's no rhyme in the whole stanza. Also be aware that 'home' and 'phone' is a slant rhyme, which tends to sound worse than no rhyme at all. You might want to fix that.
This is kind of an angry stanza... whereas the rest of the piece is a little mellow and reflective. Nothing really wrong with that, but you should probably keep it in mind.

I've got a question for you... what does fifteen hours of driving have to do with a break-up? It's not really explained in the song, unless i missed it...

Anyways, I think that you could do something with this piece, but I was really offset by the [lack of a] rhyme scheme. The flow's a little quirky, but I'm guessing that it works when put to music.
Keep it up, and keep on working on this.
c4c?
#4
This was great... Pure awesomeness! 10/10
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Quote by Lord-O-Donuts
Banned for being the coolest April 08'er on UG.


please check out my own album:
almilano.bandcamp.com
#5
I really like this....the only thing i think i would change is in the fourth stanza instead of explode i would say exploding other then that all i have to saw is AWESOME WORK
shortstuff