#1


colour belongs to a woman -
she's hidden behind the scenes
and when i make her angry
she drags it all out of me
all out of everyone.
i went out for a few beers
made some innocent remarks
to a skinny blonde waitress
and now i'm sa here
writing black words on
white paper.
tried my blue pen and my red pen and
my heart pen and my head pen
green fields and
fingertips
no colour in any of them.
gotta be glad this ink don't run -
she lets me play in the
monochrome
but wouldn't be happy with
half-caste verse.
sometimes i think of women
and the skulls behind their faces
and the fangs behind their lips.





love is a dog from hell.



#4
You seem to have an unintentional meter in the first four lines which make this seem like it will have a regular one and a rhyme scheme. The fact that it doesn't throws the reader of come line six/seven.

So I suggest changing up the opening to make it choppier, as you usually write. It disturbs me when there's an accidental meter occuring. I know you don't write with one as well so I would definitely say to cut it up a bit.

The due date was tommorow, man, but it has been lengthened to wednesday so yes, you will send it on wednesday.

#5
Ugh. I'm really sorry, I would love to do a really long and drawn out and in-depth critique because this is so great, I just can't. It is seriously so good, and I thought it was really ironic that you wrote in colour when you're here dissing out all of the colours. I really liked it, and it's very lyrical and powerful, I am just too tired to write anything coherent though so I'm sorry
I love it though, great job two thumbs up.
#7
Sorry I can't ever 'crit' your pieces, I'd hate to go through line by line and give opinions on everything because they really don't need that imo.

So my general opinion, this was very good.

I loved 'heart pen', 'head pen'.

In your last few I thought you were in danger of thinking everything you write was genius. Because of the less interesting lines. But I think this one, which wasn't too diaryesque, was perfect detail-wise and personal-wise.

Great writing.

If you feel like a read (and a bump!)

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=846607