#1
i wrote this last night and today figured out guitar and drums

V1

you sit there watching her

you don't know what to say

you've been thinking for a while

you get up and walk her way

your stomach's full of butterflies

your mind is filled with hope

suddenly you realize

things you did not know

V2

you sit down next to her

and look her in the eye

you want to say something

all you manage is 'Hi'

But she takes the que and she replies

with 'Hi' and 'How are you'

You say to her 'I'm doin' fine'

and you manage not to stutter this time

And it all works fine

V3

you start to see her every day

you think she's really great

after a good 18 months

it's time to celebrate

you take her out to dinner

on a lovely august night

you always knew you'd win her

and everything planned goes all right

and it all works fine

(bridge)

Outro

you proposed and she said yes

all in the same night

you're married now and living fine

everything is right

and it all worked fine


i know it is a little cliche, but that is why it is called "Every Other Time" because it only happens once in a while thanks for any help
#2
sorry guy not a fan of it :S make it more emo :P lol toss a twist in it to keep it interesting, no one likes happy endings, i dig the first 2 versus than i lost interest, outro in my opinion is horible :S n ot trying to be a dink jus trying to help lol

EDIT: end of first verse... what did u realize things u didn't know?.. shes a slut with a bf? jus leave it hanging hard..
#3
V1

you sit there watching her

you don't know what to say

you've been thinking for a while

you get up and walk her way

your stomach's full of butterflies

your mind is filled with hope

suddenly you realize

things you did not know


A good verse but the last line is disappointing. Using words with similar vowel sounds works to drive a poem but here you use the technique as a cop out from finding a word that rhymes well with hope. Also the statement "things you did not know" is vague and you don't elaborate on it later.


V2

you sit down next to her

and look her in the eye

you want to say something

all you manage is 'Hi'

But she takes the que and she replies

with 'Hi' and 'How are you'

You say to her 'I'm doin' fine'

and you manage not to stutter this time

And it all works fine


Heheh, I really like the fourth line. It captures a cute sort of puppy love feeling. I'm shy around girls so I can relate. You use vowel sounds to drive the song more effectively here, in the lines "you say...fine" and "you manage...time". You rhyme fine with fine but it sounds good, I just thought I should point it out to you in case it was unintentional.

V3

you start to see her every day

you think she's really great

after a good 18 months

it's time to celebrate

you take her out to dinner

on a lovely august night

you always knew you'd win her

and everything planned goes all right

and it all works fine

(bridge)


Maybe change "good" in the third line to something more expressive, the description sounds flat. "lovely august night" is cliche but I like it anyway . Rhyming dinner with win her was clever, it seems most of the time I see people rhyme one word with two an awkward sort of stutter results but your rhyme is perfectly smooth. The repeated "and it all works fine" really pulls the song together.

Outro

you proposed and she said yes

all in the same night

you're married now and living fine

everything is right

and it all worked fine


Wound down nicely, not too long, not too short.

Your rhyming is cliche but it works here because it gives the song a cute, happy feel to it. Overall I would say its not a cliche work; love laments are a dime a dozen but its rare that someone writes a happy, and still entertaining, love song. And it is entertaining, which is what is really important, right? Nobody is going to accuse you of being cliche if you manage to give your rhymes meaning and life, which you have accomplished. I would say just work on the rhymes a little bit, especially the end of the first verse, so long as you don't take away from the simple beauty of it. Good job! If you would be so kind I'm in need of critiques myself: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=845462

Quote by guilty09
sorry guy not a fan of it :S make it more emo :P lol toss a twist in it to keep it interesting, no one likes happy endings, i dig the first 2 versus than i lost interest, outro in my opinion is horible :S n ot trying to be a dink jus trying to help lol

EDIT: end of first verse... what did u realize things u didn't know?.. shes a slut with a bf? jus leave it hanging hard..


And as for you young man, for god's sake, at least pass middle school English before you give such harsh, undeserved and poorly thought out reviews. Or if thats not the case, you should really quit drinking because even your internet voice is starting to slur.
Last edited by Santeria420 at Apr 26, 2008,