#1
Were falling apart at the seams it seems,
And I've lost the ability recently
to push my way into your dreams
But we've got to hold on
to what we have
Because were burning like a ciggarette,
and this is the final drag.

So where do we go,
When summer rain turns to snow.
And the rivers that we bathed in,
once upon a time.
Are wasted away now
Left rotting as they died.
Last edited by Smoothrider_41 at Apr 27, 2008,
#2
Were falling apart at the seams it seems.
And I've lost the ability recently,
to push my way into your dreams
But we've got to hold on
to what we have
Because were burning like a ciggarette, and this is the final drag.


Wow, intense. "seams it seems" is clever, take out the period though, you continue the sentence in the next line. "To push my way into your dreams" is an absolutely beautiful lamentation. I really relate to this. "Have" and "drag" don't rhyme, but its not particularly noticeable and the simile in the last line is just too good to throw out, so its your choice as to what, if anything, you want to do about that.

So where do we go,
When summer rains turn to snow.
And the rivers that we bathed in,
once upon a time.
Are wasted away now
Left rotting as they die.


I would take the 's' at the end of 'rains' in the second line and put it at the end of 'turn', I think this subtle change would give the line a lot more power. In the fifth you say 'wasted' in the past tense but in the sixth you describe the wasting process as still going on, so I would change it to 'wasting away now'. Rotting just doesn't seem a fitting description of the death of a river... since you describe a winter chill coming on in the second line you could maybe say something about the river freezing over? Just a suggestion.

Overall I think its great. Its reminds me of NIN's "We're in this together now" in terms of its subject (trying to hold on to a dying romance) and intensity, but don't think I'm calling you a hack; contrariwise, I mean it as a high compliment (NIN is one of my favorite bands, and that is one of my favorite songs). I could use a crit myself if you don't mind: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=845462