#1
I mostly write lyrics, but here is a poem I wrote for a friend the other day because he was having alot of trouble and going through a hard breakup and just didnt know who he was anymore.

My friend, My brother
What can I call you
You’re a Gunslinger
A poet
A Martyr
You’re the shadow of a hero
A spark in the fog
Through the wastelands you traveled
But it was your heart that made you fall

Hail to you Gunslinger
All but dead
You have one bullet left
One last chance to make your stand
The only problem is
You don’t know what to shoot
How can you when the sky is the ground
And the ocean is the desert
So hail to you tattered man
Who stood up boldly in the wind
Hail Gunslinger..
#2
My friend, My brother
What can I call you
You’re a Gunslinger
A poet
A Martyr
You’re the shadow of a hero
A spark in the fog
Through the wastelands you traveled
But it was your heart that made you fall


I'm liking the Dark Tower allusions! You capture the atmosphere of those novels in a personal, poignant way. One difference between lyrics and poetry is that poetry benefits greatly from good use of punctuation. Its understandable, as you said you normally write lyrics, that you left a lot of the punctuation out but I think it would enhance your rhythmic flow if you worked that in. I like it all but the last line, it is out of sync with the meter of the rest of the stanza and I was disappointed that it didn't rhyme. I happened to think that "bog" rhymes with "fog", and as you talk about traveling through the wastelands and think you could do something excellent with this rhyme. Just a suggestion though, I don't mean to interfere with your creativity.

Hail to you Gunslinger
All but dead
You have one bullet left
One last chance to make your stand
The only problem is
You don’t know what to shoot
How can you when the sky is the ground
And the ocean is the desert
So hail to you tattered man
Who stood up boldly in the wind
Hail Gunslinger..


Lines 3-6 bug me, like the last line of the former stanza they don't quite fit rhythmically with the rest of it. The rest of it is great, though, I really feel your friend's pain and your 'up is down' description of his confusion is right on.

Overall I really like it, especially since I used to read every King book I could get my hands on. The only thing is that the flow gets kind of constipated at times, but you can easily remedy that by cutting out a few words and altering your syntax a bit. Another thing, and I hate to say it, but... its pretty obviously inspired by "Shine on you crazy diamond". The theme is similar and its understandable that you would want to write like the lyrical genius that Roger Waters is, but little alterations, changing "martyr" to something else for instance, would make the work much more definitely yours. Good job and keep on writing!
#3
Thanks for the crit man, I know alot of it didnt rhyme. Like I said I Dont write alot of poetry. I sent this as a message to my friend. I wrote it in 5 minutes so I know alot of the lines could be smoother. And yeah, there is alot of the dark tower books here. He and I are both big fans of the books, and he just got trough reading them before all this started so i figured it would be a good theme. I really didnt base this off of shine on you crazy diamond. The irony is Roger Waters has always been one of my favorite lyristist and he is the one that made me start writing lyrics, so maybe i was basing it off him and just didnt know it lol.
Thanks alot for the crit though!
#4
I really didnt base this off of shine on you crazy diamond. The irony is Roger Waters has always been one of my favorite lyristist and he is the one that made me start writing lyrics, so maybe i was basing it off him and just didnt know it lol.


Thats what I was trying to say. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking that you consciously based this off the song. As a big Floyd fan I've actually done the same thing. There is plenty of originality here and this is a good deal darker, in more of a prose format. I hope this helped your friend, as a man thats been down a similar road I very sincerely hope things get better for him soon.