#1
[font="Arial"]A wall has formed above and around
With a rumbling, often thunderous sound -
    Nine Irons shedded to avoid the spark;
A crackle, a crunch, means throwing them down.
    Rain or sweat drops start to soak necks,
    And steam rises from nothing to fog up the specs
Of goggle-eyed golfers leaving their mark.

Conversation begins as they reach the nineteenth,
Often discussing the rolls of the heath.
    Shafts turn to glasses in waiting hands
As first spot or sound will encourage the wreath
    To be laid upon the lifeless course.
    Listen as they howl with sodden remorse!
Expectant heavens now fall on the lands.

Hopeful but steady drinking's in vain;
Mourners begin to drive through the rain,
    Away from the corpse of dampening greens
And fairways so clotted, in need of a drain.
    Bunkers are beaches and rivers soon seas
    As the thunderstorm spreads like crippling disease
Callously culling the golfer's routine.[/FONT]




C4C. Tell me if I owe you. Last of the month for me. Apparently I have to put this in code.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Apr 28, 2008,
#2
This is the best one I have read from you to date, Jamie.

First Verse- Very nice. It starts out strong , and the first 4 lines work well, rhyme scheme is good. The sixth line about steam rising feels off though. "And steam rises from nothing", there might be a better way to say that, sounds a little empty.

Second Verse- No complaints, done wonderfully.

Third Verse- The opening line is a little wacked with "drinking's". I don't like 'And' in the fourth line, maybe take it out. Lines five and six are excellent, simple but soo effective to the entire piece. Nice use of the word culling in the last line.

Overall I thought it was a great piece. It is hard critiquing your work because it is usually fine tuned, and very tight. I'm not entirely sure of the subject matter, maybe a good golfing day spoiled, or the uptight attitude some golfers have? I liked it, good job. I have a piece up right now called Filthy Towel Growing Old if you could take a look at that, I think I left a link in my comments on Love Limericks, thanks man.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#3
Quote by Jammydude44
A wall has formed above and around
With a rumbling, often thunderous sound -
Nine Irons shedded to avoid the spark;
A crackle, a crunch, means throwing them down.
Rain or sweat drops start to soak necks,
And steam rises from nothing to fog up the specs
Of goggle-eyed golfers leaving their mark.

Conversation begins as they reach the nineteenth,
Often discussing the rolls of the heath.
Shafts turn to glasses in waiting hands
As first spot or sound will encourage the wreath
To be laid upon the lifeless course. <---Where did the syllable pattern go??

Listen as they howl with sodden remorse!
Expectant heavens now fall on the lands.

Hopeful no comma? but steady drinking's in vain;
Mourners begin to drive through the rain,
Away from the corpse of dampening greens
And fairways so clotted, in need of a drain.
Bunkers are beaches and rivers soon seas
As the thunderstorm spreads like crippling disease <---Is this seriously a term that you're settling with? It even would've been better if an "a" was added after "like."
Callously culling the golfer's routine.



I'm going to give you my opinion, just because I know that you're better than this:

In short, this reminded me of something a child would write in a 3rd grade writing competition. The cheaply induced rhymes in the first stanza, the forced middle of the 2nd stanza....all in all, I didn't like this. Not one bit, I might add. I tried to go through and pick out some parts that sounded half-way decent, but I've yet to find any.
I appreciate the commentary you left on mine very much.
Sorry, man.
#4
Interesting piece Jamzster

A wall has formed above and around
With a rumbling, often thunderous sound -
Nine Irons shedded to avoid the spark;
A crackle, a crunch, means throwing them down.
Rain or sweat drops start to soak necks,
And steam rises from nothing to fog up the specs
Of goggle-eyed golfers leaving their mark.

I really don't feel 'shedded' is the right word here, I get the wordplay, but for me the flow suffers. Again with 'crackle' and 'crunch', it sounds like a cereal ad, not the sounds of thunder.

I also wasn't keen on 'Rain or sweat drops' the 'or' throws me off, to say 'and' would be a more direct image for the reader. The rest and general feel to this is spot on though, despite what I thought wasn't the best parts.


Conversation begins as they reach the nineteenth,
Often discussing the rolls of the heath.
Shafts turn to glasses in waiting hands
As first spot or sound will encourage the wreath
To be laid upon the lifeless course.
Listen as they howl with sodden remorse!
Expectant heavens now fall on the lands.

Wasn't impressed by the wreath line, it felt an odd image to create. Not many rhymes eh? :p Seems slightly as though you struggled to find an image to set up the 'lifeless course' and so plumped with the death route. The penultimate line kinda made me wonder who was howling, it seemed to me like you'd travelled too far from the conversation line to come back to it.

Hopeful but steady drinking's in vain;
Mourners begin to drive through the rain,
Away from the corpse of dampening greens
And fairways so clotted, in need of a drain.
Bunkers are beaches and rivers soon seas
As the thunderstorm spreads like crippling disease
Callously culling the golfer's routine.

Great little ending here, ties everything together nicely. Just a couple of little things though. 'Rivers soon seas' seemed too far a stretch from the golf image you had going, perhaps something slight closer to 'water trap' etc...

Awesome final line, I love using callously culling myself, it's an great wordplay.


Overall this was a strong piece that I thoroughly enjoyed, it's my type of piece and something I am aiming at with a few of my pieces I write. Just I seem to over-do the verboseness. :p

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
Quote by Jammydude44
[font="Arial"]A wall has formed above and around
With a rumbling, often thunderous sound -
Nine Irons shedded to avoid the spark;
A crackle, a crunch, means throwing them down.
Rain or sweat drops start to soak necks,
And steam rises from nothing to fog up the specs
Of goggle-eyed golfers leaving their mark.

[color="DarkGreen"]I dislike the use of the words 'sweat drops', but the words following it kind of make me like them. Lovely line right there. Just not too sure how much I'm into the actual content. To be honest, I find the whole stanza rather confusing.[/COLOR]

Conversation begins as they reach the nineteenth,
Often discussing the rolls of the heath.
Shafts turn to glasses in waiting hands
As first spot or sound will encourage the wreath
To be laid upon the lifeless course.
Listen as they howl with sodden remorse!
Expectant heavens now fall on the lands.

[color="DarkGreen"]The first line was funny, and true, which is a great mix. My main problem with the stanza though, is the use of language. It's awfully mature for such a young lad.[/COLOR]

Hopeful but steady drinking's in vain;
Mourners begin to drive through the rain,
Away from the corpse of dampening greens
And fairways so clotted, in need of a drain.
Bunkers are beaches and rivers soon seas
As the thunderstorm spreads like crippling disease
Callously culling the golfer's routine.[/FONT]


I really hope that the second line is meant to have multiple meanings, because if so, that's great. Morning/Mourning/Drive/Hit the ball from the tee, etc.


A very meticulous use of language and structure throughout. It worked extremely well in places, yet in other seemed forced and pretentious. Could you expand on the meanings for me, though, Jamie?

C4C. Tell me if I owe you. Last of the month for me. Apparently I have to put this in code.


Nope, you don't. But I have one on the first page which is short and old that you may like.
#7
It's a day on the golf course ruined by a tunderstorm.

It happened to my dad the other day - because of the lightning and their clubs, as soon as the first rumble of thunder hits they all run inside to have a drink. I found it all quite amusing.

I'll take a look at yours soon man. Thanks for actually getting to mine, your a lot more efficient at that than some Dylan, Mat ; )