#1
I wrote this little poem/song today because I was bored. I'm not really sure what inspired me to do so, but oh well. This is my first lyrics post here - I'm not sure what I'll do with this piece but some critiquing would be nice. I hate the last line, so any suggestions there would be nice.

Edit: I took out a couple stanzas I thought were messing up the flow of the piece. One of them I'm for sure removing, but the other I may keep? Any thoughts? The stanza in question is in brackets.

i want an electric guitar
but for now all i've got
is this cheap old acoustic
my mama once bought.

it works for what i need
plays notes and chords
but i've got no amp or nothin'
and man, i'm getting bored.

five strings and solid wood
twenty some jagged frets
played it only three weeks
but i know it's not the best.

it's sound quality is low
the action's way too high
but i've only got 10 dollars
and guitars aren't cheap to buy

(maybe if i'd saved up more)
(but i had to buy that shirt)
(that movie looked so good)
(needed tickets to a concert.)

so now i'm holding out for christmas
cause my birthday just passed
i should have asked for a guitar
but i needed a camera, fast.

well, for the time being
i guess this acoustic will do
it really ain't half bad
for when i make my debut.
and this moment keeps on movin'
we were never meant to hold on.
Last edited by Acoustic_ at Apr 27, 2008,
#3
Quote by therealtater
I really like this good job, and the last line sounds fine to me good job and keep writing


Thanks for the positive feedback! You like the last line? I think it sounds a little bit forced to rhyme. But maybe I'll leave it alone after all?
and this moment keeps on movin'
we were never meant to hold on.
#4
This rocks. I can´t say why, but this piece rocks. No problem with the last line imo, liked it!
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Quote by Lord-O-Donuts
Banned for being the coolest April 08'er on UG.


please check out my own album:
almilano.bandcamp.com
#5
Quote by Madzää
This rocks. I can´t say why, but this piece rocks. No problem with the last line imo, liked it!


Heh, thanks. It's different from anything else I've seen so I figured I'd post it - I couldn't anticipate all the good comments, though!
and this moment keeps on movin'
we were never meant to hold on.
#6
Liked the conversational feel.

And I liked the melody it conjured up in my head. I usually dislike critiquing lyrics but this piece felt worthy.

The last line is perfect, don't mess with that.

Let me know if you record it, eh?
#7
Thanks for the return crit - hopefully I can record it someday, but at the moment I'm still a bit of a novice on guitar. I guess the general concensus is that the last line's alright? I'll leave it be, then.

Any thoughts on the stanza in parentheses? I'm not sure what to do with it - it doesn't seem to fit quite right.
and this moment keeps on movin'
we were never meant to hold on.
#8
I liked that one, myself.

If you do develop this into a song, though, you'd probably have to be careful it didn't totally appear out of the blue and appear disconnected, etc.
#9
Alright, thanks very much for all your help! I'll try to record it sometime soon, if I can think of some good music to set it to and that kind of thing. This'll be my first completed song, not counting the band my friends and I tried to start when we were 11.
and this moment keeps on movin'
we were never meant to hold on.
#10
five strings and solid wood
twenty some jagged frets
played it only three weeks
but i know it's not the best.


The last two lines strike me as somewhat awkward. I mean, I'd hope if you'd been playing a guitar for three weeks you would at least get some idea of whether or not its good, ya know?

(maybe if i'd saved up more)
(but i had to buy that shirt)
(that movie looked so good)
(needed tickets to a concert.)


Of course this might not work in a song but I bet you could figure something out.

well, for the time being
i guess this acoustic will do
it really isn't half bad
for when i make my debut.


I agree with your first assertion, the last line is a throwaway. Since you're bored with your acoustic maybe you should say something about how you're itching for something new? Also if you're thinking about turning it into a song you should work on the voice you are going to sing it in. The second verse has something of a southern drawl to it, that could be expanded in areas like the last one, singing "this acoustic'll do, it really ain't half bad", you know, if you're into that sort of thing. I like it, its fun and cute. Hope I helped.
#11
Thanks for the advice, Santeria.

I guess I'm back to square one in regards to the last line, though. To keep or to change...

I see what you're talking about with the southern drawl - I'm going to try and transfer the song's conversational lyrics into my tone of voice as well. I still don't know if I'll keep my questionable stanza.

Thanks for all the help, though!
and this moment keeps on movin'
we were never meant to hold on.
#13
Thanks for the help - any specific places where I could add that kind of figurative language?
and this moment keeps on movin'
we were never meant to hold on.
#14
Maybe some metaphor or similie for how loud you would like to be able to play and how quiet you feel with the guitar you have, also maybe when you are describing the guitar throw something in there.
#15
Quote by Acoustic_

i want an electric guitar
but for now all i've got
is this cheap old acoustic
my mama once bought.

ok, lets go here. I like the opening stanza, its good. Sets the tone nicely. the rhyming is a bit garish, but its not too bad.

it works for what i need
plays notes and chords
but i've got no amp or nothin'
and man, i'm getting bored.

this is a funny stanza. I like it tho, kinda quirky.


five strings and solid wood
twenty some jagged frets
played it only three weeks
but i know it's not the best.

i cringe at this line, but only because of the rhyme b/w 'frets' and 'best', maybe you could get rid of that. not every line has to rhyme.

it's sound quality is low
the action's way too high
but i've only got 10 dollars
and guitars aren't cheap to buy

Again, rhyming is a bit out there. really cliche. its starting to annoy me here. maybe to up the quirkiness factor you could get rid of 'buy' and change it to 'purchase' or maybe 'obtain', just for fun. and to break that rhyming scheme.

(maybe if i'd saved up more)
(but i had to buy that shirt)
(that movie looked so good)
(needed tickets to a concert.)

Yeah, this really does break up the flow. i would trash it if i were you.


so now i'm holding out for christmas
cause my birthday just passed
i should have asked for a guitar
but i needed a camera, fast.

another funny stanza. i like it though. keep it.

well, for the time being
i guess this acoustic will do
it really ain't half bad
for when i make my debut.

pretty good. I like it.



Pretty good. A solid 8/10. If you ever record it thatd be nice, id check it out.
#16
bump.

i'll be back on this.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#17
You guys didn't have to dig this up, lol.

I really should get around to posting a new one - I just wrote this for fun one day when I was bored.
and this moment keeps on movin'
we were never meant to hold on.