#1
blood streak.
a case of new morning on your cheeks.
a ghost on your television screen,
stains on your sheets.

take a sliver of the moon,
put it in your pocket
or slip it under your skin,
your illuminous shine will break through.
a light so clear,
it hurtles through abandoned windows
and crackles the long forgotten floorboards.

and maybe one day,
new morning will fade
and that sliver will be your reason to shine.


again, something new. i'd really like some opinions. crit for crit.
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"
Last edited by TV Party at Apr 28, 2008,
#2
Well i liked it, i like the theme of the moons light at night.

had good flow and also good descriptions, its a short piece but i like short less complex writing.

I dont know what "blood streak" is about ?.

What is that part about ?
#3
the character has a blood streak on his/her face.

i could have made it more obvious, but hey.
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"
#4
blood streak.
a case of new morning on your cheeks.
a ghost on your television screen,
stains on your sheets.
[powerful opening.
great imagery!]

take slivers of the moon,
put it in your pocket
or slip it under your skin,
your illuminous shine will break through.
a light so clear,
it hurtles through abandoned windows
and crackles the long forgotten floorboards.
[ i like this here, too.
it flows nicely. goodjob.]
and maybe one day,
new morning will fade
and that sliver will be your reason to shine.
[NO!
this is not AT ALL a powerful ending.
it just cuts off, like the whole piece
meant NOTHING.
change it up.
make it better. ]
#5
blood streak.
a case of new morning on your cheeks.
a ghost on your television screen,
stains on your sheets.


I think the second line would sound better if you used a different word besides case, it just doesn't sound quite right. I admit I don't get the part about the ghost but its got a mysterious pull to it all the same. I like how you don't know what, but you know something crazy and messed up went down the night before.

take slivers of the moon,
put it in your pocket
or slip it under your skin,
your illuminous shine will break through.
a light so clear,
it hurtles through abandoned windows
and crackles the long forgotten floorboards.


The fourth line could be better. 'Illuminous' kind of kills the flow with its armada of syllables and since the word is closely related to luminous, which means 'to shine' in a sense, 'illuminous shine' comes off sounding redundant. Good word choice with 'hurtles' and 'crackles', they help to convey a strong sense of hard earned triumph.


and maybe one day,
new morning will fade
and that sliver will be your reason to shine.


Once again, good diction, with regards to using the word fade. It makes it feel like the poem is fading out, like a song. All in all I liked this, its vague but it comes on strong. I'm not too good with prose poetry so I'm sorry I can't give you a more insightful critique. Heres mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=847641
#6
The imagery that this brought on for me was pretty intriguing. I really enjoyed the third line and the 5-7th lines.

Very simple, but effective.

Good stuff, mate.
#7
Quote by NICKOLASrox
blood streak.
a case of new morning on your cheeks.
a ghost on your television screen,
stains on your sheets.
[powerful opening.
great imagery!]

take slivers of the moon,
put it in your pocket
or slip it under your skin,
your illuminous shine will break through.
a light so clear,
it hurtles through abandoned windows
and crackles the long forgotten floorboards.
[ i like this here, too.
it flows nicely. goodjob.]
and maybe one day,
new morning will fade
and that sliver will be your reason to shine.
[NO!
this is not AT ALL a powerful ending.
it just cuts off, like the whole piece
meant NOTHING.
change it up.
make it better. ]



I have to disagree with you on the ending, the first line is 'blood streak' and rest of the first stanza leave you with a feeling of waking up in the morning with seeing only things that make you feel hopeless, and almost only regret of what happened the night before. The ending gives me a feeling that no matter of the live you lived that theres still hope, and that in fact, maybe your old problems will help you live a better life.
#8
Ahoy.
Not a crit, but;
L1 V2, 'slivers of the moon'.
The two lines after that are conflicting, because they imply that there is a singular sliver.
Either change the first line to 'sliver' of the moon, or make L2 'put them in your pocket', and so forth.
Or change that one line to 'take a sliver of the moon' or something similar.
I'd advise that moreso, considering the ending.

I'll probably edit in a full crit later, in fact, I'll make a point to do so at some stage tonight. If you're doing c-4-c and wanna get a headstart for me could you chuck a comment on the link in my sig?

I'll get to this ASAP, promise.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#9
thanks, i'll change it up.

and i'll get to yours snowblind and anyone else.

can anyone who has read my other pieces comment on how this fares up?
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"
Last edited by TV Party at Apr 28, 2008,