#1
drunk-ish. c4c. Oh, and my faith is my faith... your faith (or lack thereof) is yours. I don't really want a debate about faiths here




Bounce. Bounce. Walk. Clap.
I am my own puppeteer, clinging
to the marionette strings that I've tied
myself together with.

Fission. Fission. Gurgle. Fusion.
I am my own nuclear power plant
waiting for meltdown.

I become a waterfall.
"God, damn yourself.
What do you even want from me?
I asked for peace, you gave me turmoil.
I asked for love, then you took her away."
Shag carpeting tears at my knees.

I was a plane wreck waiting to happen,
I just never expected the plane to be full of explosives.
God takes pity:
"Bleed with your pen, blood is hard to get out of
your cheap ass shag carpet."
Last edited by ZanasCross at Apr 28, 2008,
#2
Jig. Jig. Dance. Shimmy.
I am my own dancing monkey.
Just place your tips into my box.

mm, kinda weak

Bounce. Bounce. Walk. Clap.
I am my own puppeteer, clinging
to the marionette strings that I've tied
myself together with.

better. i like the imagery. kinda ironic actually.

Fission. Fission. Gurgle. Fusion.
I am my own nuclear power plant
waiting for meltdown.

mm, not so sure about this. seems very radical compared to the other stanza. but i guess thats just style.

I become a waterfall.
"God, damn yourself.
What do you even want from me?
I asked for peace, you gave me turmoil.
I asked for love, then you took her away."
Shag carpeting tears at my knees.

mk... waterfall? its a good word but i dont think it fits. think bigger. tsunami? wildfire. iono. i think u should go with fire. water is not the first thought people jump to when we think of death and destruction. and where did we suddenly get a her from? seems out of the blue.

I was a plane wreck waiting to happen,
I just never expected the plane to be full of explosives.
God takes pity:
"Bleed with your pen, blood is hard to get out of
your cheap ass shag carpet."

mm this is a good closer. but the meaning is.. a bit unclear to me.. so. are you saying that the suiside bombers did this on accident? or.. i really dont under stand the purpose of this. the last 3 lines are fine w/e but hte first two are a bit confusing. once again it's out of the blue.

overall. i found this a bit splash and dash. so i need sum clarification. maybe a disclaimer would do. but are you sayin that people are on their own strings that they make for themselves and they dance to a rhythm that is not of their own but they induced it upon themselves. and people blow shi.t up caz of this? mm.. but form a pure literary sence it's not bad. crit one of mine?
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#3
Hi.

Thanks for the crit. To be honest, at least for me, it has nothing to do with anything you took from it. But hey, to each their own.

DISCLAIMER, I'm going to explain a bit about this piece.


This is all introspection. Looking into how my life currently is: I've taken on too many roles and all of htem are routine... hints the first three ideas. The waterfall line is me breaking into tears when I finally realize I am melting down from being over stretched. The God thing is just a conversation I had with the big guy upstairs... and by conversation, I mean me mumbling a lot while having a mental breakdown. The last bit is metaphorical, plane wreck being the breakdown I'm having... the pen line being something I thought while having the breakdown... I think that part is self-explanatory.

Hope that makes sense. I'll get to yours within a few days.
#4
mm yea thsi makes much more sence.. i think personal pieces are much harder to crit. because a lot of idea's can be... obscure.. but not that it makes mroe sence, a lot of these idea's are very valid and quite well used. kudos
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#5
drunk-ish. c4c. Oh, and my faith is my faith... your faith (or lack thereof) is yours. I don't really want a debate about faiths here


Jig. Jig. Dance. Shimmy.
I am my own dancing monkey.
Just place your tips into my box.

Ehh, I don't like the first line; I don't really like the motif you're setting up. It's just not my style, it's not that it's bad. As a whole, it's really corny-sounding to me. Dancing monkey? Ehh. Not a strong starting point for me.

Bounce. Bounce. Walk. Clap.
I am my own puppeteer, clinging
to the marionette strings that I've tied
myself together with.

I like this one better. I like that you're not the puppet, but the puppeteer. It adds a spin to the commonly used analogy.

Fission. Fission. Gurgle. Fusion.
I am my own nuclear power plant
waiting for meltdown.

I liken this to the first one. "Nuclear power plant" is such a strange phrase that doesn't fit. I thought the word "meltdown" was a good choice, because it's a word that describes your power plant imagery well, but also describes your actual situation well, too. Unfortunately, that's about the only thing I like about this one.

I become a waterfall.
"God, damn yourself.
What do you even want from me?
I asked for peace, you gave me turmoil.
I asked for love, then you took her away."
Shag carpeting tears at my knees.

I like this one because it seems to be the most emotive piece in the whole work. It seems very open, very honest; heartfelt. Oh, and what is the significance of shag carpeting? I'm really curious.

I was a plane wreck waiting to happen,
I just never expected the plane to be full of explosives.
God takes pity:
"Bleed with your pen, blood is hard to get out of
your cheap ass shag carpet."

I don't feel like I completely understand this piece, but I really want to. I didn't like the way it ended, I felt "ass" was unnecessary. If anything, it was a syllable too much, I think.


Personally, I didn't really like it. The content was good; it just wasn't my style. I do like that it was very pure, and I hope it helped you cope.
#6
sup Zach.

i thought this shined in some places; in other places it felt too disconnected from the reader, i.e. me, and left me doubting whether you had the right balance of personality involved and readability.

it's that balance of diaryness and poetryness. (****, i'm talking about diaries in the last like, seventeen crits i've given). though, i really enjoyed the subtlety of the some of the metaphors and depth in the phrasing. things like 'shag carpet' interested me, which is probably an understatement. i don't think you should stop including things like that in your pieces, and i don't think you need to explain them (that's you choice though, obviously).

i think you're coming at all kinds of crazy angles to all kinds of crazy subjects in your last few pieces. i'm enjoying you expanding your horizons. good old cliches, eh.

reminds me. i didn't like the 'plain wreck' idea. it's hardly an idea. you can do better than that, i know you can.

keep at it man. and write more prose!

if you feel like it, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=847456
#7
Thanks Sam and other guy. I'll be getting back to you both soon. Maybe a little while though, as this is a week from hell.

Sam - Can you point out a little more detailed which parts you thought were to "diary-ish" so that I can tell. Its hard to tell when you know what everything is there for. Oh, and there is a prose piece in the works.... woke up randomly last night and wrote it. Waiting for 3 days to be up and an edit.
#8
reading it through again, i think the excessive use of "i" to start sentences off was one of the reasons this was a little diaryesque. also, "Fission. Fission. Gurgle. Fusion." - that means diddly squat to the reader, or at least me. you know i'm one for hidden meanings but there's got to be some compromise. i don't know, maybe i'm in a strange mood. forgot to mention, i like the character of God in your recent stuff. adds a certain twist to the whole thing.

and glad to hear about the prose.
#10
ok Zach, i have to say that i'm not a fan of the "". "". "". "".
i think it was just too sarcastic for its own good, and in fact, diverted the reader's attention off the message inside.
however; i am a fan of the different verses assuming different "personalities?" per say.

I asked for peace, you gave me turmoil.
I asked for love, then you took her away


i like the first line of this, no qualm. the second line, after the comma....at first i thought "then" just needed to be extracted. at second glance though, if you already had "her," then why would you ask for love in the first place?

I was a plane wreck waiting to happen,
I just never expected the plane to be full of explosives.


again, first line = good.
but the second line; if it's a plane wreck anyway, what difference would it make if it was full of explosives? i know it's metaphorical, but come on dude. your writing thrives on intelligent, mechanical cynicism - i know you can do better than that, i've seen it done already.

the last line was also disappointing. it sounded like something a disgruntled poet would say after setting a symbolic fire to his car tires.

eeeeevvvven after all this though; i'm not going to say that i didn't like it. that would be a lie.
#11
the metaphors make you sound like you're afraid of saying something meaningful and real.

Just say.

I broke down
and the dark light of my room
caved in upon itself

Or anything that reflects what you were actually experiencing, none of this detached "shag carpet" shit.

eh, my 2 sense.
#12
That was very good! I really enjoyed it and its just my taste as well. Very simple but yet evocative and important. Personal. "I was a plane wreck waiting to happen, I just never expected the plane to be full of explosives." - I wasn't too keen on this though, but to be honest, the preceeding stanza beginings are so good, I'm bound to be critical of anything that doesn't superceed them. I have read some of your other works, and I prefer this, basically because it is just as powerful as the others but yet, its simple and short. If anything it gives it more bank for your buck because of its brevity.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at May 1, 2008,