#1
I'll move my limbs
she shakes
I've stopped, in stone
She fakes

All things said
never true
in context with
the way she moves

So take this time
hold the breath
interdependence strains
weigh down my head

lessons on love, taught
but never learned
I was addled
by their apparent curve

So here I lay
still in this room
not trusting
the way she moves


(Haven't written in awhile, criticism is very welcome.)
Last edited by This is Sound at Apr 27, 2008,
#2
I'll move my limbs
she shakes
I've stopped, in stone
She fakes
[i like this. good, powerful,strong opening.
short, but to the point.
i also like how it runs right into the next few words.]

All things said
never true
in context with
the way she moves
[goodjob here.
great flow.]

So take this time
hold the breath
interdependence strains
weigh down my head
[also here, great flow.
seems like you've been doing this
for years! lol]
lessons on love, taught
but never learned
I was addled
by their apparent curve
[i think it should go
"lessons taught on love,
but they were never learned
i was addled there
by their apparent curve"
but, that's just me.
i think that would put more of a FLOW
into it all]
So here I lay
still in this room
not trusting
the way she moves
[good, powerful ending]


all in all, perfection=you.
xD
i can tell you're in a band.
and, i visited the myspace page, good voices and instruments.
goodjob, man.
#4
crit some other peoples pieces and you'll get crits back, read the rules and FAQs

Dan
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(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


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Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#5
For song lyrics they're definately simple enough. For reading straight they're possibly a tad too simplistic for comfort. You've rounded it off well at the end, but it could do with a little bit of a reroute on the way.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!