#1
This is just something that kind of rolled into my head the other night after hanging out with some old friends that I've grown apart from over the past few years. The "I go home and cry" line is self-mockery and not meant to be taken entirely seriously. I'm thinking about putting in another stanza or two but I don't know how I would do it.

I hate to leave early,
but I've just got to die.
I'd sit and bull****
but my wit is too dry.

The ocean heaves a sigh,
another day has past,
she says I better learn to live,
it all goes by so fast...

I go home and cry,
I wish it all could last,
this town is a tragedy
with an unfamiliar cast.
Last edited by Santeria420 at Apr 28, 2008,
#2
not bad

kinda short but if you add a bit it could be prety good

i like the way you put your lines to rhyme everything fts nice and it doesent seem forced

i dont realy see this being too much of a song but it could be a great short poem
keep it up

mine.
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=847626
Quote by Kensai
Girls don't have to do anything to be good in bed. If she's got a pulse she's automatically an 8.

#4
i don't mean to sound harsh; i do appreciate your endeavor to comment on my piece, but at least take the time to interpret someone else's work before you say anything, please?



Bull****. You've been entirely belligerent since I gave you a critique that didn't hail you as the best thing since shakespeare. I gave you my interpretation of your work, you can take it or leave it. If you can't handle criticism, don't post here and only show your work to your close friends and family. You say you aren't trying to be harsh but you call it crap in the first line? and you took almost an hour composing a rant about how just how crappy you think it is (yes, I have been timing you, anticipating just this sort of response)? In a way I like your response to my poem better than your own poem, it seethes with passion and actually made me feel something. I don't think your writing is bad and I said so in my post. I read over it multiple times before responding and was as honest as I could be. Maybe I should have been more sensitive to your feelings but I've been doing a lot of critiques over the past few days and the grind is starting to get numbing. For that I do apologize.

I'm not going to respond to your criticism because it wasn't based on what I wrote in this thread as much as what I wrote in your thread. Listen dude, if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.
#5

I hate to leave early,
but I've just got to die.
I'd sit and bull****
but my wit is too dry.

Great rhythm. The lyrics are okay. They're not so original sounding, but I think they set the tone well. Because of the shorter lines, this seems like a good melody could flow through it (should it be turned into a song). However, nothing really stands out to give it texture; nothing really sticks.

The ocean heaves a sigh,
another day has past,
she says I better learn to live,
it all goes by so fast...

The first couplet's great, but the second is SO cliche. "Learn to live" and "it all goes by so fast" in the same couplet? They're both commonly used sayings in their own right, so when they're put together one right after the other, it seems like a barrage of cliche. But I do like the imagery that the first line sets up, it makes me think you left the party in the first stanza to go to the beach and think about what happened there. It builds a very subtle story.

I go home and cry,
I wish it all could last,
this town is a tragedy
with and unfamiliar cast.

I don't think it should end here. I think it could have a much more powerful ending, but this stanza seems weak, to me. The first couplet is another "Whoa, cliche!" moment for me. "It all could last" has been done a lot. I mean, the idea is really timeless, but I've heard it described in those four words many a time. The second couplet is better, but lessened by the effect of the first. There's a slight typo: "with and unfamiliar cast."


It didn't do too much for me, but it seems like a marketable song lyric. If this is set to the right music (with a Taking Back Sunday lyric and melody) I could imagine this on the radio. Except maybe the first couplet of the last stanza, that just wasn't right.

It was alright, it just wasn't my style.
Last edited by my name is Pete at Apr 28, 2008,
#6
Quote by ottoavist
...

okay...you take it however you want to; i don't care.



I don't believe this for a second, based on your aggressive response. It doesn't have to be this way, you know.

And I'm going to go back on my previous statement that I wasn't going to respond to your crit just to make one point. "The ocean heaves a sigh" is an example of anthropomorphism, one of my favorite poetic techniques. Being an owner of a thesaurus, I would expect you to know that word.
#7
Sorry for DP, I have my reasons. Thank you Pete for an honest and insightful response.

As for the cliches, I know you're right, I was just going off a feeling, but I do feel the cliches in here are effective so I didn't change them.

But I do like the imagery that the first line sets up, it makes me think you left the party in the first stanza to go to the beach and think about what happened there. It builds a very subtle story.


You know, I was thinking that I was walking by the beach on my way home from the party when I wrote that. That you understood pleased me greatly.

It didn't do too much for me, but it seems like a marketable song lyric. If this is set to the right music (with a Taking Back Sunday lyric and melody) I could imagine this on the radio.


You are comparing me to emo?!!! DIE!!!!!!
Just kidding. Even though I consider the term "marketable" one of the worst insults I could ever receive I see what you mean by it, it is chalk full of cliches and, I admit, somewhat poppy. I don't normally write lyrics though, so its hard for me to see how it could be a song. Thanks for the typo report, the honest review and you know what? The first two lines of the last stanza are pretty atrocious, aren't they? I still don't know if I'll expand this but you have encouraged me to.
#8
Quote by Santeria420
This is just something that kind of rolled into my head the other night after hanging out with some old friends that I've grown apart from over the past few years. The "I go home and cry" line is self-mockery and not meant to be taken entirely seriously. I'm thinking about putting in another stanza or two but I don't know how I would do it.

I hate to leave early,
but I've just got to die.
I'd sit and bull****
but my wit is too dry.
good rhyming, first and last line were good.

The ocean heaves a sigh,
another day has past,
she says I better learn to live,
it all goes by so fast...
first line was good but it fell into cliche grounds. try using metaphors and imagery to convey your feelings rather than just coming out and saying it.

I go home and cry,
I wish it all could last,
this town is a tragedy
with an unfamiliar cast.
The first two lines aren't great, again you could use something more imaginative to convey what you are trying to say. the second lines were rather enjoyable though.
returned.
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"