#1
I Still havn't thought up a title for this (It's not actually "A Soft Breeze"). Just wrote it tonight so its very rough draft. I've been trying to write a lot, and I felt this was one of my better writings for a song. Just wondering if there is that sounds vastly out of place to you guys. I'm very open to any suggestions and pointers to help me. Thanks!


I'll cast my silhouette into the lake
just watch it float and sway in the sun
while I sit on this wooden plank that's
shaped like some kind of hand-held gun

Then a few crows shaped like clouds flew above
and the sun tunneled through their beating wings that
gave life to all the light hearted things
eye-closing bliss from which she hums and sings

**Ahhhhhh's and *whistles* ect.**

God started to cry on my shoulder. but
I couldn't help but notice his colored frown
I had no choice but to sit and smile
'cuz in that image i heard this sound

**Ahhhhhh's and *whistles* ect.**

And though the moment didn't last
forgot and thrown in the past
I can still recall that picture
of that beautiful piece of nature

**Ahhhhhh's and *whistles* ect.**
70's Japan Greco SuperPower
Amps: '65 TRRI - Peavey Classic 50 4x10 - Epiphone VJ Head (Modded) - 2x12 Celestion Greenback Cab
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#2
i like it alot of course a few things would be changed but it reminds me of the way leonard cohen use to write! i could see it being sung in a jeff buckley way to bring out alot of emotions throughout the song! but godd start for a great song!
#3
Especially like the second and fourth verse, and it's a really nice piece overall... But like lambofgodfold above, there are some lines I am unsure of.

God started to cry on my shoulder. but
I couldn't help but notice his colored frown
I had no choice but to sit and smile
'cuz in that image i heard this sound


Alot of but:s here, don't think that it will be a problem with the second and third line, but you could consider changing the "but" in the top line to a "and".

The cloud-shaped crows are kind'a confusing me though... What are you trying to express?
#4
I'll cast my silhouette into the lake
just watch it float and sway in the sun
while I sit on this wooden plank that's
shaped like some kind of hand-held gun

Very good beginning I really liked it good job.

Then a few crows shaped like clouds flew above
and the sun tunneled through their beating wings that
gave life to all the light hearted things
eye-closing bliss from which she hums and sings

Again very nice, I'd just leave out the "and" here.

**Ahhhhhh's and *whistles* ect.**

God started to cry on my shoulder. but
I couldn't help but notice his colored frown
I had no choice but to sit and smile
'cuz in that image i heard this sound

same as the other guy to many "buts"

**Ahhhhhh's and *whistles* ect.**

And though the moment didn't last
forgot and thrown in the past
I can still recall that picture
of that beautiful piece of nature

**Ahhhhhh's and *whistles* ect.**
__________________



Very nice imagery and creative, few minor things could be changed overall I get the impression that their is still more to come. That there are still some verses missing, that have yet to be written.

Would care criticizing mine ?

Multi Colored Fish
Last edited by GNR's Fan at Apr 28, 2008,
#5
Quote by Anlino
Especially like the second and fourth verse, and it's a really nice piece overall... But like lambofgodfold above, there are some lines I am unsure of.


Alot of but:s here, don't think that it will be a problem with the second and third line, but you could consider changing the "but" in the top line to a "and".

The cloud-shaped crows are kind'a confusing me though... What are you trying to express?


Yea I am with you, however the first 'but' sounds okay.. It is only those two that maybe needed to change. ?
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