#1
my emancipator.



- all the impatience i found in her stammering lips
couldn't amount to the proceeding autophobia that
lifted me right back into myself.
a caricature of a social butterfly; she doesn't know
of the rift she's got a strong arm for.
a pretty white widow crept into our lungs, and gestated
all the forgetfulness we could carry in our veinous webs.

she siphoned my soul out through my penis;
took my forgiveness,
and i've never cared less. -
Last edited by ottoavist at Apr 28, 2008,
#3
- all the impatience i found in her stammering lips
couldn't amount to the proceeding autophobia that
lifted me right back into myself.
a caricature of a social butterfly; she doesn't know
of the rift she's got a strong arm for.
a pretty white widow crept into our lungs, and gestated
all the forgetfulness we could carry in our veinous webs.


I particularly like the descriptions, "caricature of a social butterfly" "veinous webs" and "pretty white widow", like something that purifies but is impure? I don't know though, your meanings seem intentionally veiled and the vocabulary feels forced, like you just kind of picked random big words out of a dictionary and molded a poem around them. Its flow is smooth but I can't really get excited about it.


she siphoned my soul out through my penis;
took my forgiveness,
and i've never cared less. -


me like. Siphoned goes good here since I'm sure we've all watched girls siphon gas and thought "awesome". It doesn't seem like you put a lot of yourself into this, though. You say you've "never cared less" and that seems to be the mood of the entire poem. Comical, and with some good descriptions, but apathetic and kind of bland. Not particularly good or bad either way, you know? I like it though.

Heres mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=847641
#4
the vocabulary's not forced. the words aren't random. the mood could be compared to all the resolve found in a crack rock. there is no flow; it's prose. i hate the last three lines.
#5
Quote by ottoavist
the vocabulary's not forced. the words aren't random. the mood could be compared to all the resolve found in a crack rock. there is no flow; it's prose. i hate the last three lines.


That's the best crit I've ever read on here, even if it is of your own words!


Now other people just have to have the guts to say it.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
It doesn't flow in a rhyming sense but it still does flow. As for the words, I'm sorry dude, but I'm just not impressed. If you hate the last three lines, why are they there?
#8
It's good. You're better than most guys here. Don't listen to them. You're smart enough to know which lines are good and which lines suck. I know you are; keep it up.
#9
Quote by phantom1
It's good. You're better than most guys here. Don't listen to them. You're smart enough to know which lines are good and which lines suck. I know you are; keep it up.


I now feel bound to offer more of an explanation to my above comment.

she siphoned my soul out through my penis;
I did feel the last word here stood out, in a bad way. In my opinion the word just feels like it's not supposed to be in this piece; apart from gestated I can see no real other link. I don't mean this in a thematic way; I mean in a tone, a diction way. It's bunt, rather, though it is obvious this is what you were going for I just found it too blunt. The ryhme is good, yeah, but there's something about it. I think it was actually "penis" that ruined this ending for me; on a more detailed read (yeah, I did only kinda flick through the first time) the last two lines I thought fitted well, but this first one; It's not for me, lets say.
took my forgiveness,
and i've never cared less. -
I also didn't get the odd way of punctuating this ending.


So yeah. And Joris, please don't disregard other people's comments like that. Everyone has their own opinion

Could I ask for a lil bump on thunderstorm in my sig? Thanks if you could man.
#10
Quote by Santeria420
It doesn't flow in a rhyming sense but it still does flow. As for the words, I'm sorry dude, but I'm just not impressed. If you hate the last three lines, why are they there?


Sometimes they just have to go there




love is a dog from hell.



#11
to Joris and We Have Sound: you've made my day. by far.

to Santeria420: Sublime is dead, and so is your interpretation of poetry.

to Zach: waiting...if you don't get back, i appreciate the bump anyway, as always.

to Jaime: don't worry, you'll get a crit.
#12
Quote by ottoavist
- all the impatience i found in her stammering lips
couldn't amount to the proceeding autophobia that
lifted me right back into myself.

So, whether you like it or not, and whether it was purposeful or not, this is word soup. We as readers are overwhelmed by syllables. I won't pretend to have knowledge enough of words to understand this... becuase that would be a lie, but I can tell you that the way it read was what I imagine reading a dictionary would feel like. Fairly emotionless, but interesting anyways because there are some cool words. To be honest though, at this point I'm not hooked and don't have a drive to finish reading.

a caricature of a social butterfly; she doesn't know
of the rift she's got a strong arm for.
a pretty white widow crept into our lungs, and gestated
all the forgetfulness we could carry in our veinous webs.

Gah, you've a decen idea here, its lost in the word play though. Its like you've overcomplicated a simple idea. Like looking at a baseball and describing the threads that make it up instead of saying its a baseball. The diction of this piece just grated on my nerves.

she siphoned my soul out through my penis;
took my forgiveness,
and i've never cared less.

This was awful. The penis line was so out of place, I can see how it all connects back to the piece, but this feels like an entirely seperate piece. The tone is changed, the diction is changed. It's weak.


Like I said before, there wasn't much here that I really dug into and enjoyed. Sorry mate.

On another note, whilst I agree with Joris that you are better than most people here, I'm going to completely disagree with his next assessment. It would be stupid and immature to disregard the opinions of other people when it comes to your writing. Yes, you should write for yourself, but to disregard other opinions is to ask for your writing to become stale. The very thought of that just seems ignorant. So sure, this is my opinion, and Jamie's is his, and yours is yours. But just because our opinions are different doesn't make them any less valid. Keep an open eye and ear... you're damn good Kent, but you can always be better.
#13
i extremely appreciate your thoughts, Zach.

i don't really know what the point would be to do this, but here it is anyway:
autophobia = fear of loneliness.
caricature = painting, or depiction.
white widow = metaphor for a certain...drug.
gestated = impregnated.

i hate this poem; i anticipated the reaction. i hated it so much, i had to write it. i'll get to your's soon, my friend.
#14
First of all, thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. Anyways, I don't think there is really any point to me critiquing this piece, since you hate this piece. I only say things that have been said before. The penis line sticks out like a sore thumb and the first big stanza seems wordy. You did have a couple of good lines like the white widow one and the last two line, however. Sorry for the lame crit, but the only thing could suggest is a rewrite.
#15
Absolutely love the last few lines. However, I think they're just lacking something. The penultimate line needs more length or another internal rhyme, I think.