#1
I mirror your actions ; motionless.
you real chef-d'oeuvre, you piece of art.
An emerald body sculpted out of gems,
cold and sharp, but with it's sweet parts
like caramel breasts that melt in mouth.

I remember standing there, looking
for as long as I can remember.
"touch with your eyes, not your hands"
#2
Hi Mat. Forgive me in advance, I'm going to be perfectly blunt.

This was my least favorite thing I've ever read from you. The first line was terribly unoriginal, I've seen it before, and I hated it then. The second line was built around a french phrase... I didn't know what it meant... but even then, you can't pin a line on a language shift and hope it carries it through, there has to be something there worth reading. I can guess what the phrase meant, and it still wouldn't have saved the cliche idea of being a "piece of art." Then, you write to a punchline... you are writing up to the point of making the caramel breast comparison, which is a good line. But the two introducing it hold nothing on their own other than setting a scene for the last one. They were weak and again, unoriginal. Then you repeat the cycle, two weak lines setting up for an "ok" punchline. Again, the punchline wasn't good enough to justify throwing away two lines to set the mood.

Sorry mate. I hate to be so negative... but I also feel like if I don't do it, no one will. I also may be the only one who thinks these things... who knows.

Anyways,

-zC
#3
i liked the idea but the finish wasn't super. you have some great images but i think some of the sentence/line structure is kind of off. i really like the chef d'oeuvre part.

however "cold and sharp, but with it's sweet parts" is the line that bugged me. i don't know. i think it's because it's explaining the line above it while that line really doesn't need explaining.

the last two lines bugged me as well. the idea is great again, but the penning didn't work out (i guess). maybe something like "for your eyes, not your hands" would flow better.

great idea though as i said, so maybe if you came up with a second version it could be great!
#4
Zach, a "chef-d'oeuvre" is a very well known word for masterpiece. Also, that caramel line is a recycled one of mine, so don't give me credit at all for that.

Thanks to guitarpierre too for the constructive words. I know for a fact this isn't the best thing I've ever written, too.

Also, zach, I doubt that "no one would have" said what they thought on that piece. I'm not one of those overly praised writers on here.

Cheers for the honesty. I guess your opinion is a valuable one. Actually, you know it is.
#5
It's the ending.

It's very tricky to pull of when you try and use ironically use a well-worn phrase/moral etc. Well, thatt's what the line reminded me of even if it isn't exactly one itself, reminded me of "eyes bigger than your mouth" or something else I get told a lot.

Anyway, it felt awkward, like you were trying to squeeze out good ending when in fact I think it would better done by expanding the last stanza, adding a bit more detail and showing this last line instead of being so blunt about it.

It made it a very awkward read, the second stanza.

I really, really loved the first stanza though. "you piece of art" was cool.

Though I don't know why there's a space before the semi-colon.