with gasps grasped tight to my lungs,
i sweep feelings under

"tuck that rusty heart back
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Apr 28, 2008,
Quote by Arthur Curry
with gasps grasped tight to my lungs,
i sweep feelings under

"tuck your rusted heart back

To me this came across as an angry emotion.

as it is such a short piece i can only say it had interesting impact.

"gasps grasped"

i like those two words, it worked well.

Not many pieces on here are like this, so reading it made a change.

Good job.
Being such a short piece, I was surprised at the amount of emotion this conveys. To me this sounds desperate, maybe reflectively so. No notable faults, as far as I can tell. Really good piece, I enjoyed reading it.
i honestly don't care what anyone else says about this; it's the best thing i've read from anyone on this site for months. i wanted to put it as my sig, but i really don't even want anyone else to see this....it's....just so....inpenetrable.
that last line did me in, i swear.
Last edited by ottoavist at Apr 28, 2008,
The speech ruined it. It would fit in a lengthier piece but in its current state it seemed a way to conclude and finish off quickly. Seemingly there for drama, and it wasn't effective drama. The line break was off too.

But an enjoyable piece. I don't want to make it sound like it was a horrible read, or anything.

I like your poetry. (Don't comment much, though.)

If you're returning.
it was originally two pages in my notebook but i felt like this was better by itself. thanks for the crit, nonetheless.
For me, this didn't connect (personally, that is).

I don't think the last line hit me in the way it did Kent. I preferred the first part myself.

It's one of those pieces that is hit or miss with different people, I think. Depending on their intepretations and style they like.

So, that was a vague comment. My bad, man.
At first glance, i thought this was way too short. But then I actually read it and i was quite impressed. I love how it shows so much emotion in just a few lines. There was only one thing i didn't like: the line break. Not too big a deal, but its a little weird. Anyway, amazing piece. Thanks for the great read.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=848877 <<crit mine?
Nice job. Keep up the good work.
^ i attest to this also. that's why i began my comment with the "i don't care what......etc."

EDIT: Jamie's comment, that is.

Last edited by ottoavist at Apr 29, 2008,