#1
This is a little something I wrote the other day. Not my best work, but I thought I'd post it here because I've never written anything with a similar vibe to this. I do realize that this is a very abstract piece, and to be honest, it wasn't written to convey what it's really about. Hope you enjoy.


In the middle of a snowy field
Lying as I stare into moon

Missing you as I always have
Too much than is yours

But spoken to be as mine
Now stars blur from peach

Velvet ring of shining hopes free
Never as close as you should

And so very distant from perfect
Forever just as sweet

By any other name but yours
For this I mean everything

Because tomorrow is so far
And today so long

To be compared to the beauty I lust
In eyes of ice and sun

Longing endlessly
As long as always

And as short as time



(Note: this is not done in couplets, the spaces are there to make it easier to read)
#2
Quote by Winter Sky
This is a little something I wrote the other day. Not my best work, but I thought I'd post it here because I've never written anything with a similar vibe to this. I do realize that this is a very abstract piece, and to be honest, it wasn't written to convey what it's really about. Hope you enjoy.


In the middle of a snowy field
Lying as I stare into moon

I like this intro, sets a good geographic reference so i know where you are and what you are doing.

Missing you as I always have
Too much than is yours

Fairly predictable second stanza here but its a nice vibe

But spoken to be as mine
Now stars blur from peach

Cool use of imagary here, the idea about stars blurring is good.

Velvet ring of shining hopes free
Never as close as you should

And so very distant from perfect
Forever just as sweet

By any other name but yours
For this I mean everything

Because tomorrow is so far
And today so long

To be compared to the beauty I lust
In eyes of ice and sun

Is this line about someone loving complete opposites or something ?

Longing endlessly
As long as always

simple ending to a short simple read.

And as short as time



(Note: this is not done in couplets, the spaces are there to make it easier to read)



overall i thought it was good, and got to the point.

Could be a sweet little acoustic song ?
#3
The line about "eyes of ice and sun" refers to a love-hate relationship. And I'll go ahead and let you know that this is about my past addiction to antidepressants. Maybe that will clear up the meanings of some of the lines. Thanks for the critique by the way.
#4
"now stars blur from peach"

Whats this about ?

i like it because i dont know what to think of it other than a nice image, but i would like to know.
#6
In the future I'd say watch your meter (where stressed and unstressed syllables occur).

Also, I felt some of your syntax was unusal which hindered the piece, as did what seemed like unnatrual ellipsis.

I felt it had potential but lacked a bit of spark or drama.
#7
Quote by Jammydude44
In the future I'd say watch your meter (where stressed and unstressed syllables occur).

Also, I felt some of your syntax was unusal which hindered the piece, as did what seemed like unnatrual ellipsis.

I felt it had potential but lacked a bit of spark or drama.


lol a blank canvas just blinded my eyes.

a fancy restaurant with fancy words.

i agree though.
#8
Well, I googled the word 'syntax' and I think it means proper sentence structure. If that's what you mean, it was purposefully done in an attempt to make some parts flow better. I guess it didn't do what I wanted it to.

The ellipses (also had to google it) were one part I did have trouble with on this piece. In fact, I think that's a recurring problem I have.

I'll work on revising this piece sometime this week I think. Thanks for the critique, it was helpful.