#1
wrote this song during chemistry today, tell me what you think

asphyxiation as your young blood starts flow,
synthetic compounds fed origins only devils know,
florescent vacuum tubes place false light in our eyes,
and I know its just a lie...

my insecurity wreaks havoc on your life,
your heavy-heartedness covered by vacant eyes.

Right now,
my heart is, exploding.
To see you,
to feel you by my side


when burning bridges sets your caustic heart ablaze,
and subtle daggers driving through don't seem to phase,
and blinding light still dances longing from your sin,
an answer dripping from your skin.

My inability to dwell on positive,
your optimism only critique in disguise.

Right now,
my heart is, exploding.
To see you,
to feel you by my side

_____________

style wise hardcore, maybe screamo.

EDIT: *screaming parts in red
Last edited by aaron6890 at Apr 29, 2008,
#2
Judging by the first verse, it sounds like some of the chemistry lecture leaked into your song, LOL. Other than that, I liked it - it was interesting and sounds like it will work well for the style you have in mind. This isn't much of a critique, just my two cents.
and this moment keeps on movin'
we were never meant to hold on.
#3
Quote by Acoustic_
Judging by the first verse, it sounds like some of the chemistry lecture leaked into your song, LOL. Other than that, I liked it - it was interesting and sounds like it will work well for the style you have in mind. This isn't much of a critique, just my two cents.

yeah i know, i was like hmm synthetic compounds...... hey that sounds cool, anyway thanks for reading.
#4
Some of your illustrations and descriptions are unique and effective while others aren't. "White as snow..." Your rythming scheme is nice, not overly used but still evident. Your alliterations are cool and well placed. I like the way you use the labs tools, such as the vaccum and then use the first letters again later on in the song, "vaccant eyes...synthetic compounds - sublte daggers driving," etc. Tweak it up and rewrite some of your descriptions and you'll have a cracking winner! Even without any changes I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Some of your illustrations and descriptions are unique and effective while others aren't. "White as snow..." Your rythming scheme is nice, not overly used but still evident. Your alliterations are cool and well placed. I like the way you use the labs tools, such as the vaccum and then use the first letters again later on in the song, "vaccant eyes...synthetic compounds - sublte daggers driving," etc. Tweak it up and rewrite some of your descriptions and you'll have a cracking winner! Even without any changes I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

thanks, i changed the white as snow part, now the first line reads "asphyxiation as your young blood starts flow,
synthetic compounds fed origins only devils know," i think it works better.
#6
This peice is very unique. You seem to dance around darker subjects through elaborate descriptions and overall create a more mature evil atmosphere which is a good thing. The only part i'm sketchy about is the
Right now,
my heart is, exploding.
To see you,
to feel you by my side

When I saw it I felt this worked much better.
Right now my heart is exploding, longing to see you, to feel you by my side.

I think that adding one more short line to this would contribute greatly to the flow.
A.K.A
Right now my heart is exploding, longing to see you, to feel you by my side.
A portrait of my madness, this heart, this sorrow- all mine.

- just a little something that popped into my head. BTW thanks for the crit on my peice
#7
This was a really good song. I think the first line is a little wordy, especially since i can't pronounce the first word lol. Other than that, i think you did a great job. I liked the imagery and metaphor. Again, try not to get too wordy, especially with these chemistry words, but other than that, keep doin' what you're doin'. Oh, by the way, its good to see that you're paying attention during class lol.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=848877 << crit mine?
Great job. Keep up the good work.
#8
Quote by AgainsTheMirror
This peice is very unique. You seem to dance around darker subjects through elaborate descriptions and overall create a more mature evil atmosphere which is a good thing. The only part i'm sketchy about is the
Right now,
my heart is, exploding.
To see you,
to feel you by my side

When I saw it I felt this worked much better.
Right now my heart is exploding, longing to see you, to feel you by my side.

I think that adding one more short line to this would contribute greatly to the flow.
A.K.A
Right now my heart is exploding, longing to see you, to feel you by my side.
A portrait of my madness, this heart, this sorrow- all mine.

- just a little something that popped into my head. BTW thanks for the crit on my peice

well that does sound ok, but i forgot to specify, that part should be screamed, its not meant to be just read like the rest of it.

and you got a dark evil atmosphere from it? i was going for kinda like a " i know its reality is just the surface of our existance, and that you dont truely know existance untill you have loved, and hoping that i can can still love, even thought what we see as real is just a fraction of what it is." well thats what i was think while writing it.

Quote by grevhead221
This was a really good song. I think the first line is a little wordy, especially since i can't pronounce the first word lol. Other than that, i think you did a great job. I liked the imagery and metaphor. Again, try not to get too wordy, especially with these chemistry words, but other than that, keep doin' what you're doin'. Oh, by the way, its good to see that you're paying attention during class lol.
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...ad.php?t=848877 << crit mine?
Great job. Keep up the good work.

my style is really wordy, look at some of my other stuff, like in my sig "the problem of pain" its all really really wordy, its what i like.
oh and i'll check yours out.
#9
i really liked this.
the first couple of lines
had some great wording to them.
the whole song flowed together.
i think, that for writing this in probably a 45-minute period, it was pretty good.
#10
Im no expert at critiquing, but I can say that I enjoyed reading this peice. Seemed to display a pretty clear theme, obviously well thought out.

I do however, agree with what AgainsTheMirror posted, just kinda appealed to me a bit I suppose.
#11
Quote by Acoustic_
Judging by the first verse, it sounds like some of the chemistry lecture leaked into your song, LOL. Other than that, I liked it - it was interesting and sounds like it will work well for the style you have in mind. This isn't much of a critique, just my two cents.


my thoughts exactly.

i do like it, i could tell what type of song it was just by how it was written before i saw the "key" at the bottom :P.
there are many here among us, who feel that l i f e is

but a [B]joke[/B]. but you and i have been through that, and this is not our [size="1"]fate[/SIZE].
#13
hey aaron, you're a great songwriter!!! I wish that I can write as good as you, my HOPELESS CASE song sucks compared to your TO FEEL YOU. I love the way you used metaphors!!! it gives power to the lyrics, you're also great at rhyming, syllables and I want to learn that, any tips? pm me if you want to reply me