#1
Oh, how I have watched you from afar
And now lines not spoken far apart
The light shines through your eyes
And spills through into mine

As the name escapes my grasp
My thoughts bind and contrast
The light blinds, and cleanses me
Come now please, and set me free

The tide flows way 'wards your path
And falls under, 'neath my wrath
The current wraps itself round my feet
And deep inside the water seeps

Seperate grounds lay that which we walk
And which we falter without thought
Conscious not, I proceed
Determined only to reach my need

Apologies, lies and mistaken words
Can't replace an empty accord
And as the light hits the ground
She makes her move without a sound

Into the night the light fades
Beyond sunlight, turns to grey
Shadows speaks stories of the past
And a love of one that couldn't last

Flaming burden now, under blazing skies
Falls through those blue, green eyes
Without consideration look away
And reserve for that one, final day

Sole embers now, crumbling down
As the lights moves deepest now
And as the light fades one can only pray
That all they need will decree to stay
#2
I felt this was an overall ok peice, with a revision it could turn into something greater
my critique: first of all you use the same rymhe scheme throughout the whole peice, maybe switching it up half and half between seperate parts could help. I honestly am not a big fan of the scheme you used as it tends to force you to use awkward wordings which overall kills the flow, which is my next problem. Example is the first two lines. Read them.... Read it again, they don't exactly flow and make sense. Unless you have this written specifically for music I would definetly change it. The next two following lines are beautiful. I would check through the rest of the song and pick out the parts that sound awkward and rewrite the with a new scheme.

In the end I did enjoy reading it and I can really see promise in it. It carries some dark themes with superbly thought out lines. And to help you out with another ryhme scheme that would fit with this song I would use AABA. Nice Job
#3
Quote by AgainsTheMirror
I felt this was an overall ok peice, with a revision it could turn into something greater
my critique: first of all you use the same rymhe scheme throughout the whole peice, maybe switching it up half and half between seperate parts could help. I honestly am not a big fan of the scheme you used as it tends to force you to use awkward wordings which overall kills the flow, which is my next problem. Example is the first two lines. Read them.... Read it again, they don't exactly flow and make sense. Unless you have this written specifically for music I would definetly change it. The next two following lines are beautiful. I would check through the rest of the song and pick out the parts that sound awkward and rewrite the with a new scheme.

In the end I did enjoy reading it and I can really see promise in it. It carries some dark themes with superbly thought out lines. And to help you out with another ryhme scheme that would fit with this song I would use AABA. Nice Job


Thanks man. This was written on the spot so I haven't had the chance to revise it, but I will soon. And the rhyming scheme is more experimental for me, because I normally only write in free verse.
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Oh, and my intension of the second line, "And now lines not spoken far apart", was that the characters in question no longer spoke infrequently, and to more of an extent, but I guess my wording was a little awkward there. I'll consider revising that in particular because I don't want to start the piece of on a week note.