#1
Simply a poem about someone who is trying to make sense of their life and gets lost along the way. I tried making it so that I changed the mental challenge into a physical challenge that you can feel and understand. It's described as a journey down and endless path. This pretty much is saying that you can't find the answer to everything and by trying to do so you'll only drive yourself mad. Enjoy! crit4crit


“As I Fade Into The Embers”

Point me towards my purpose
Give me a shove
Push with all your heart lover
Push with all your love

I took one step forward
And Already you were gone
Fading In The Embers
My Dreams
My Hope
My Heart

I’ve been walking blind for miles
Straying further from the sun
No footprints mark my path
Towards this hell no man has sought

I took one step forward
And Already you were gone
Fading In The Embers
My Dreams
My Hope
My Heart

A journey into the mind
To make sense of this so called life
I knew no sense would come of it
But the ignorant creature I am says I must
This hunger for knowledge is a poison
A single tainted thought drowning my very soul
It’s cost me everything I’ve ever loved, held, or owned.

I took one step forward
And Already you were gone
Fading In The Embers
My Dreams
My Hope
My Heart

The echo of eternity seems to leap from this pit of death
Nothing but a lullaby from my mother’s dying breaths
No sympathy rings in my heart
With no doubt in my mind
That once I find the reason
I can leave this all behind

There’s no ending to this poem
This endless stream of thought
For that these words could forever rattle on and on
But that would be no fun.
#2
Quote by AgainsTheMirror
Simply a poem about someone who is trying to make sense of their life and gets lost along the way. I tried making it so that I changed the mental challenge into a physical challenge that you can feel and understand. It's described as a journey down and endless path. This pretty much is saying that you can't find the answer to everything and by trying to do so you'll only drive yourself mad. Enjoy! crit4crit


“As I Fade Into The Embers”

Point me towards my purpose
Give me a shove
Push with all your heart lover
Push with all your love

good i like the last two lines, it puts a good kinda nervouseness to it, atleast thats what i get from it,

I took one step forward
And Already you were gone
Fading In The Embers
My Dreams
My Hope
My Heart

the spacing here is good, really stresses the importance of the fading, if possible i would suggest to create a more fading pattern to put the longest word on the top of the list, and to put the shortest on the bottom, to creat a fading effect in the structure, but thats just me, again i like the idea of it, something there, but then leaves

I’ve been walking blind for miles
Straying further from the sun
No footprints mark my path
Towards this hell no man has sought

the last line definatly leaves you with a strong point, a great way to sum up the aimless wandering, again good use of diction, maybe if you wanted to make it seem like you were falling from grace, you could say "straying further towards the sun" to create an icarus kinda reference. but again thats just me

I took one step forward
And Already you were gone
Fading In The Embers
My Dreams
My Hope
My Heart

same as first, chorus?

A journey into the mind
To make sense of this so called life
I knew no sense would come of it
But the ignorant creature I am says I must
This hunger for knowledge is a poison
A single tainted thought drowning my very soul
It’s cost me everything I’ve ever loved, held, or owned.

at first glance this appears to build, intentional? it makes a step effect with the placement of the words, sort of a back and fourth. i like the line "the hunger for knowledge is poison", but you didnt elaborate on that idea enough, it goes from poison to drowing, maybe you should rephrase it to fit with a common theme

I took one step forward
And Already you were gone
Fading In The Embers
My Dreams
My Hope
My Heart

chorus again

The echo of eternity seems to leap from this pit of death
Nothing but a lullaby from my mother’s dying breaths
No sympathy rings in my heart
With no doubt in my mind
That once I find the reason
I can leave this all behind

the second line is really strong, maybe instead of rings it could be strings, going with the music theme.

There’s no ending to this poem
This endless stream of thought
For that these words could forever rattle on and on
But that would be no fun.
a not so strong ending, you might want to fix it, maybe not aknowlegde its a poem, it seems alittle forced, i dont know, if you like it, then by all means keep it in.

ok crit for crit http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=848174