#1
She said I was noble,
because I muttered I was jealous under my breath,
I wish breath was more solid,
so things could actually hide underneath it.
Everything I do someone else does better,
No matter how noble I am,
Someone will be more.
No matter how jealous I am,
Someone will be louder.

It might be too late to get high,
but its never too late to fall apart,
I shatter like a bedframe,
that tries to keep my dreams afloat.

85 miles an hour.
Thats how fast my truck goes.
7 shots of jack daniels.
Thats what my blood is made of.
If I were in any other family,
I would have been born with a backbone,
but instead I'm drunk,
parked on a hill,
blaming everything on God.
#2
Quote by bluesybilly
She said I was noble,
because I muttered I was jealous under my breath,
good, shows a strong setting
I wish breath was more solid,
so things could actually hide underneath it.
once again good, that line reminds me of death cab for cute, something about it makes me think of them, interesting idea though.
Everything I do someone else does better,
No matter how noble I am,
Someone will be more.
once again creating a clear idea of how you feel, rhyme pattern seems good thus far, just so you know.
No matter how jealous I am,
Someone will be louder.
i dont get it, maybe there could be a better word than louder

It might be too late to get high,
but its never too late to fall apart,
I shatter like a bedframe,
that tries to keep my dreams afloat.

the idea kinda drifts around at this part, not sure if you meant it to be like that

85 miles an hour.
Thats how fast my truck goes.
7 shots of jack daniels.
Thats what my blood is made of.

showing hiding of emotions through drinking/drugs, always a good song idea.

If I were in any other family,
I would have been born with a backbone,
but instead I'm drunk,
parked on a hill,
blaming everything on God.
strong ending, keeps a good thought, ends on a strong note. over all its pretty good, any style picked though? it would be good soft and acoustic, but thats just what i think.

c4c? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=848174
Last edited by aaron6890 at Apr 29, 2008,
#3
thanks man.

there really is no genre though as it was intended as more of a poem.
#4
Wow. It was really good. Very powerful. I liked the idea of breath being more solid. The only word that i didn't like was 'louder.' I just don't feel that it fit right. I don't see jealousy having anything to do with being loud. All in all i thought it was really good. Just think of a different word to use. I liked the imagery and the references to drugs and alcohol. It may be a little cliche to this type of emo poem, but it got the job done. Nice job. I like your writing style.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=848877<< crit mine?
Great poem. Keep up the good work.
#6
Zach dont waste your time.

chances are I wont end up getting back to you.
I think I'm calling it quits on this site.

but thanks anyways