#1
A machine made of hate,
Would've saved his soul but it's to late,
he went off to the war way back when,
hasn't come back ever again,

trained to kill at first sight,
bloodlust covers the light,
smiling with a bullet grin,
teeth made iron, mind made of sin.

Would've saved his soul,
but it's too late,
taking live's
for hell's sake.

teeth made of shells, eyes made of scopes.
blood run cold,
No remorse! that's all he's been told.

Would've saved his soul,
but now it's too late,
he died way back when,
in the war, for hell's sake.
Last edited by Deadmen at Apr 29, 2008,
#3
A machine made of hate,
Would've saved his soul but it's to late,
he went off to the war way back when,
hasn't come back ever again,


I don't like the when part of this, it does make alot of sense to me. Way back when?

trained to kill at first sight,
bloodlust covers the light,
smiling with a bullet grin,
teeth made iron, mind made of sin.


I really liked this

Would've saved his soul,
but it's too late,
taking live's
for hell's sake.

teeth made of shells, eyes made of scopes.
blood run cold,
No remorse! that's all he's been told.


The structure of this is different to the rest of this piece, but i think it works well.

I really liked this. Good work.
#4
Well, overall this piece was pretty decent.
You have quite a few spelling/grammar mistakes, like using "to" instead of "too" in the second line. You might want to patch that up a bit.

I disagree with Diceiver: way back when is an expression, and it makes it rhyme of course. so you should keep it.

you use "for hell's sake" twice. in a lot of cases, repetition is good, but I think that this time you should replace it (the first time you used it) with something else. maybe like, "and dishing out fate" or something like that.

The second stanza was definitely my favorite. you might want to consider saying "teeth made of iron" though.

I like this piece. Touch it up a bit, though.