#1
After the blood loss I went back home to Nashville to write.
After searching hills and hillfolk garbage dumps I found a cleared out
spot with a tree stump that I set a typewriter on.
The time of day wouldn't permit anything, as the sun was setting
in a manner that shone through the tress and right into my face.
I packed it in and walked back home.
I was being followed.
Two men without shirts, holding dead possums.
It couldn't have been more perfect.
"Hey. HEY. You're that other Cornett boy, right?"
"Yes."
"From Ohio?"
"Yes."
"So you a buckeye, right? You know what they say - You can wipe
your ass with a buckeye but not with a brier."
"You can't wipe your ass with either."
"It's a matter of texture. You know that brother of yours owes me money."
"Then fucking talk to him about it."
They threw a possum at me and I bolted.
A rock caught me in the head and I was theirs.
As I lay in leaves, both men grabbed my arms and pinned me.
Before I could grasp the depravity of it (and it never even sank in afterwards)
Both men clamped their teeth on my ears and began ripping.

I made it home a bloody mess and woke him from his sleep.
"Get the fuck up!"
He sat up and lit an American Spirit.
"You look a sight."
"This is all your fucking fault! You scrounge for money, meet underage girls, take them home and then you FUCK them!"
His left hook caught me in the face and once again I was on the floor.
This was four years ago and I still haven't gotten up.
They light candles around me.
Poor advice.
Last edited by stellar_legs at May 1, 2008,
#2
i love the first lines

but i feel that you become constrained to the pattern

i would say first say what you have to
then let it become ryhme
and then do it all over agian
i thin it has grat potentila
i enjoy head
#3
also cursing is a sign off weakness

you obviously have something to say

own up to your feelings

and when you come across a period where you wnat to curse

say why?
i enjoy head
#4
Cursing is not a sign of weakness, and to me you've come across as an asshole for saying so. Cursing may show a lack of certain intelligence in conversation sometimes, but you must have failed to understand anything about the tone, scenario and general feeling of this piece.

There are a select amount of books that you could read to convince you otherwise
Poor advice.
#5
They through a possum at me and I bolted.

threw?
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#6
Screw critiquing your pieces, it's too hard.

A couple of spelling errors in there but you can work them out. I won't insult your intelligence.

Probably the one thing I didn't like: "the sun was setting in a manner that shone through" - it felt like you kinda stumbled over that line. Didn't feel like a 'natural read'.

But yeah. Great.

Oh yeah. If you feel like it, a comment or two would be appreciated.
poem
series (which you might like)
Last edited by samoo at Apr 29, 2008,
#7
Hey, I've been reading some of your pieces, uniformly amazing, I really love them.

Have you considered setting up a little website where you could host them all for people to read? It's not too hard to find them in the archives, but it'd be good to have them in one place.

Fantastic ending, as usual, there's a lot to think about there. I'm sorry I can't critique it properly, but it'd be a bit over my head.
#9
This piece is alright. As usual good atmosphere.

And do Ohio people really hate briers that much?
We're only strays.
#10
Not at all. It's just a saying. Buckeye's are associated with Ohio and briers are associated with Kentucky. Some some years ago I imagine a dumbass yokel from KY came up with that "cute" little saying, despite the fact you can't wipe your ass with either one.
Poor advice.
#11
word sorry i said weakness, what i meant was a weakness in the piece.
obviously anything can be said with curse words that can be said without, but when it comes to songwritting or poetry for that matter of fact taking the cursing out and replacing it with a more intraicate and intimate understanding of the situation is better all around. For example this song was most likely written in a matter of oh lets say a week long period, right? (correct me if wrong)

Now lets say that stellar takes this piece and revisualizes it. That is to say its not bad now, and it has great ideas in it, and perhaps some good lines, but lets say he takes it from here and really tries to make it better. So i think the cursing could come out, i think that the perspective could change, and i think half a sung song with dialogged is going to sound horrible when it is sung. I think the ideas here are great, and besides the fact that i think the cursing is unnecessary, i think that the diction is pretty good, likewise the imagery is spot on ("hillside garbage dumps" has this great pictoralness to it while also flowing great).

so while i think that it is a good start i think it needs to be reworked, and the cursing SHOULD stay if it adds anything more than just some down home flavor to your song. I had nothing against curisng in total, but just that it didnt really add anything to your song.
i enjoy head
#12
Quote by Jazzcore23
word sorry i said weakness, what i meant was a weakness in the piece.
obviously anything can be said with curse words that can be said without, but when it comes to songwritting or poetry for that matter of fact taking the cursing out and replacing it with a more intraicate and intimate understanding of the situation is better all around. For example this song was most likely written in a matter of oh lets say a week long period, right? (correct me if wrong)

Now lets say that stellar takes this piece and revisualizes it. That is to say its not bad now, and it has great ideas in it, and perhaps some good lines, but lets say he takes it from here and really tries to make it better. So i think the cursing could come out, i think that the perspective could change, and i think half a sung song with dialogged is going to sound horrible when it is sung. I think the ideas here are great, and besides the fact that i think the cursing is unnecessary, i think that the diction is pretty good, likewise the imagery is spot on ("hillside garbage dumps" has this great pictoralness to it while also flowing great).

so while i think that it is a good start i think it needs to be reworked, and the cursing SHOULD stay if it adds anything more than just some down home flavor to your song. I had nothing against curisng in total, but just that it didnt really add anything to your song.


Well like I said in my post, the atmosphere is good. And when a song's atmosphere is good, every word contributes. I agree that this would be a hard piece to sing (at least for me, anyways), but from what I've seen a lot of stellar's stuff is that way.

And BTW aren't briers people from Kentucky that drive into Ohio to work during the day? My dad's side is a bunch of hillbillies from Kentucky (including him).
We're only strays.
#13
Two things:

1. It isn't a song.
2. The cursing stays, and will always stay (Go read other stuff I've done).

Hopefully it will make sense after that.
Poor advice.
#14
gd song, but wots ur melody??

I thought the last line made the piece. Your writing is addictive.
#15
Is the non-standard orthography significant, or is it just a mistake?
Otherwise solid piece, stellar. And the cursing clearly adds to this piece, have the posters knocking it becaus eof the swearing actually read it? It's definitely integral to the feel of the whole thing. Not one of my favourites that you've done, but certainly a good piece of writing.
#16
If it were me Randy, I'd go with a G D Am C combo with some quick strumming and a picked melody line. Seems like it would fit the mood well.


On topic, I liked the idea behind the piece and the non-conversational parts. But to me, the actual quotes read strangely. It was like they didn't fit in wiht themselves... they just didn't sit together well to me. Doesn't make sense, but whatever.
#17
I always read your pieces, usually however, I decline from commenting, beacause 1) You get a lot anyway. 2) You're not one to edit a piece and you're capable enough of realising what wasn't right in each piece yourself.

But just so that little outburst wasn't in vain. This piece seemed the complete opposite to what I was expecting, usually you're very skilled in writing witty dialogue and really capturing the moment, however here it felt forced, almost as though you wanted to keep it brief, whereas the story aspect here was stronger than I've seen from you for in a while.

Just my thoughts.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#18
A rock caught me in the head and I was there's.

unless you became the possession of the physical location 'there' then i think you meant 'theirs'...

sorry, but the they're/there/their thing is a huuuge pet peeve of mine.

other than that one word making my eyes scream, i liked this. the last two lines were great.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#20
Nobody will ever understand why someone writes if they don't read. That is what I'm getting from this piece. People who are ignorant(the majority of society) just can't seem to understand why people express themselves. What they can not understand, they bash.

I can't critique your pieces, I just try and wrap my head around the ideas sprawled out. Very good work. You probably read a lot of burroughs, Stellar. Comment on mine maybe? It's the first link in my sig, "Park the Diesel". Thanks.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#21
Thanks for all of the words. i'll get to any links that anyone may have left tomorrow. I'm upset, crying, and I'm going to piss myself away at the corner bar down the street
Poor advice.
#23
This was excellent, Randy.

Especially, but not limited to, the last two lines.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.