#1
I realize this is short, but I wrote it in maybe 10 minutes and haven't really sat down again to work with it. This is another piece on writing, somewhat similar to Writer's Block in my sig, but less insane/fractured sounding. C4C. I appreciate any crits.

An unmarked sheet mocks my disposition
So I mark for sake of sanity
And then trail off...

Return to find the spiteful white
Is back in force with friends;
Metaphorical wolves.

Confusion seizes up my hand,
Depression aims to trip my feet,
Exhaustion seeks to strike me blind,
And frustration goes for the throat.

But ere I turn back to seek escape
I catch a glimpse of hope.
Beyond these hunters out for blood,
A place to help me cope.
#2
okay, so I read these lyrics a few times and, like I often do, got a little lost.

Just so you know where I'm coming from, here's how I interpreted the poem, stanza by stanza.

1. I can't seem to think of anything, so I just write something. But then i lose myself
2. When I start to think again, the emptiness of my paper is like a wolf, teaming up with its friends, against me
3. this lack of creativeness saps my energy, and i feel awful
4. But even through this, I can see that I'll be able to cope with it

So, onto the critique

In the last stanza (I don't mean to work backwards) you have a rhyme scheme of ABCB. The first two stanzas, i think, should be left (as far as rhyming goes) alone, but the third one would be more auditorily appealing with the ABCB scheme.

In the third stanza, the number of syllables are fine, but the accents in the last line are screwed up. If you read it aloud a few times, you'll see what I mean: the last line just doesn't sound right. Either put frustration somewhere else, or use a new word that flows better.

In the second stanza, instead of saying "Metaphorical wolves", just describe the wolves (vicious wolves? savage wolves? purple wolves?), and let the listener assume you are using a metaphor. Also, replace the semicolon in the second line with a colon.

If you want, you could rhyme together the third lines of the first two stanzas. It might sound nice.

If you were looking to make it longer, i'd suggest a stanza in between 2 and 3 to help explain what you're talking about. otherwise, you might lose some of the people like me due to misunderstanding.
Also, a stanza about things like this in general (rather than the specific situation) might add to the piece. If you want.

On the whole, I think this piece is pretty decent... a little confusing to me, and as you said lacks completeness, but it uses good metaphors. Just try putting in some more descriptive language, and fixing what I pointed out.
#3
I liked this piece a lot. I thought it was extremely rich in metaphorical content, but it wasn't hard to understand. I disagree with M-D. I liked the phrase "Metaphorical Wolves." I think it lets the listener use their own imagination about what the wolves are. However, i agree with M-D on the rhyme scheme issue. You should definately change it so that the third stanza fits the ABCB scheme. Overall, i really enjoyed this piece. nice job.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=848877 << song for crit. Thanks. Nice job, keep up the good work.
#4
mm bump.. i'll get back to this l8r.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
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(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
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