#1
This piece definitely needs some work. One of the two 'get here' lines needs to be changed but I can't think of how to do it. Let me hear some ideas. Oh and is the title too cliche?

what a different way to see the past
the wall across the road ahead
leaves the speedometer a thin barrier to fear
the moving pointer says too fast
how did we get here?

such a clumsy way to stumble down the plank
how many thousands of years
did it take to get here?
yet mere decades to seal our fate
the sharks are already feeding
and this ship already sank

change will take place
but you won't have to see it's face
to feel its teeth
surrounded in riches
we still can't see that we are the weak

we hold our god in our hand
but this deity will die and never live again

the wall approaches
no way to turn back
because we're out of gas

C4C
We're only strays.
Last edited by Martyr's Prayer at Apr 29, 2008,
#2
what a different way to see the past
the wall across the road ahead
leaves the speedometer a thin barrier to fear
the moving pointer says too fast
how did we get here?

I just feel the lines are out of place here. It just doesn't have the flow... Idk... The ideas are all good here, but it seems as if it needs to be tweaked a little bit. I don't know how I'd do it without changing a lot, but that's also cause I'm not the original writer, so see what you can do.


such a clumsy way to stumble down the plank
how many thousands of years
did it take to get here?
yet mere decades to seal our fate
but the sharks are already feeding
and this ship already sank

This is almost hard to understand. You start off with an idea of stumbling down a plank, but the way it is written almost sounds if the stumbling down the plank and the time have no association. This makes it jumbled up a little bit and not as cohesive. "yet mere decades to seal our fate, but the sharks are already feeding." That line gets confusing. The lack of punctuation and the "but" lead me to beleive the two lines are connected, but they have no association in meaning it seems. Maybe change it to "These mere decades seal our fate." It will make it more concise, imo.

change will take place
but you won't have to see it's face
to feel its teeth
surrounded in riches
we still can't see that we are the weak

The only thing is the lack of punctuation makes included here makes the line "surrounded in riches" seem as if it is on an island. Cause I don't know if you mean to say "to feel its teeth surrounded in riches" or "Surrounded in riches we still can't see that we are the weak." I think it's the latter, or at least that would make mroe sense. I like the teeth line though.

we hold our god in our hand
but this deity will die and never live again

the wall approaches
no way to turn back
because we're out of gas

Not too shabby of an ending.

Overall it wasn't bad, but just needs to be cleaned up to make it more cohesive and unerstandable.
#3
Yeah I actually deleted the 'but' before the sharks line a bit before you posted lol. This song is talking about the end of the Oil Age, and how currently without oil we'd be helpless and our society would crumble. It helps you understand the song better when you know that, but I doubt many people do. It spells it out exactly with the last line, as you can see.
We're only strays.
#4
bump.. i'll get back to it l8r
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
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(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
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