#1
EDITED VERSION FURTHER DOWN THE PAGE!


I can remember standing in the front room
Of one of your friend’s houses
In the early hours of the new millennium
Watching that guy strum some chords
And sing some of the most beautiful words I’ve ever heard

You’d sung them to me a million times before
But this guy was an expert.

You said he played like Bob did
But that didn’t matter, I liked your version better
You were playing straight to my ears
Even though I didn’t listen too often.

5 years later those words meant a lot more
Because of a foregone conclusion that we just didn’t see
After a whole load of fights that would exhaust the best
You came crying to me.

Now your life isn’t quite so close to mine
And my schedule is tight
But I don’t want Boots of Spanish Leather
To be all I remember you by

I want the sound of your guitar and your voice saying
‘Don’t think twice, it’s alright’.


Not the strongest thing ever, but I quite like it. C4C?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at May 7, 2008,
#2
i like it (thats a fiver u owe me lol)
no really i thought it was good

"In the early hours of the new millennium
Watching that guy strum some chords"

were my fave lines.
#3
I liked this too - it was very easy to read and understand, fairly straightforward.

I don't know if the location in the first stanza plays any significance... if it doesn't, you might want to change it to something a little more meaningful. Like, something you describe (in some amount of detail) that makes it appear like a special place, because it's definitely a special place for the guy in the song.

I'm not really sure why you titled it Thanks, Bob (although i do like how it sounds). It doesn't really seem to have much to do with anything - you portray Bob as a man that a really good musician plays like. I'd make it have to do with the song more...

Um... I like rhyming. You don't have to.

--Because of a foregone conclusion that we just didn’t see
After a whole load of fights that would exhaust the best--
I don't really like these lines too much, especially the second one. The content is fine, but to me, the second one seems too blunt, and... foregone conclusion? I know what it means, but it doesn't really work, i don't think. Also, instead of "exhaust the best" consider something more about how it makes the feel, other than just tired. Angry? Self-defeated?

You should work on the last stanza a little, give it something more meaningful as an ending. Not that it isn't good, but it's not powerful or long enough to really tie together the whole peace. Consider expanding it a little.


Overall I like this piece. I can't really judge the rhythm because I don't know how it's sung, but right now it seems like it has none. Again, i personally thing that rhyming creates auditory interest in songs, but not all have to rhyme. Real serious ones can benefit from not rhyming. But, make sure you're not writing prose...
Anyways, keep it up.
#4
Hehe, if you don't get the title then you don't get three of the most important lines in it!

Thanks though, I'll have a go at tackling the fourth stanza, those two lines are too long .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
I just really like this piece a lot. It flows really well and I thoroughly enjoy it.

I mean I wish there was something I could legitimately critique on it, but I can't think of one thing I don't like about it.

So all I can really give is praise, bro.

Really excellent job.
#6
Thanks really nice to hear!
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
Thanks .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
Quote by DigUpHerBones
I can remember standing in the front room
Of one of your friend’s houses
In the early hours of the new millennium
Watching that guy strum some chords
And sing some of the most beautiful words I’ve ever heard

Not too bad. It sets the scene pretty well. But to be honest, its also a little bland, ya know? there's no real hook or interesting ideas here. But its an intro, so setting the scene is necessary... I just feel like there could have been something more interesting in there... like some random details that shows the narrators personality, like mentioning shag carpet or something... just as an example that I did in my last piece.

You’d sung them to me a million times before
But this guy was an expert.

You said he played like Bob did
But that didn’t matter, I liked your version better
You were playing straight to my ears
Even though I didn’t listen too often.

Ok, this confused me. You set it up in the previous stanza like the "you" didn't do it as well. Like you liked the other guys better. You call him an expert and dismiss the "you's" as something he always does. See what I'm saying? Then you jump ship and say the other one was better. The non-coherence stuck out to me. This is all very telling and simple... it has a nice relaxed feel to it, which sort of compliments the fact that the story is being "re-told" so its not intense.


5 years later those words meant a lot more
Because of a foregone conclusion that we just didn’t see
After a whole load of fights that would exhaust the best
You came crying to me.

didn't like the third line. It sort of stumbled all over itself and the message got lost in the non-fluidity. It needs to be re-hashed so the reader doesn't get caught up in the "misconstrued-ness" of it. The last line is pretty cliche too. oh, and write out "five" looks better on the eyes.

Now your life isn’t quite so close to mine
And my schedule is tight
But I don’t want Boots of Spanish Leather
To be all I remember you by

I want the sound of your guitar and your voice saying
‘Don’t think twice, it’s alright’.


This is going to sound harsh... but this was corny as clowns in a Volkswagen. It wrapped everything up to nicely and quickly. There was no tears, no emotion, nothing to latch onto and relate to. You tried to personalize it with teh boots... but it still felt to detached... I mean, you are looking at the now, not looking back now.. I'd expect some emotion. But I didn't get any. So yeah.



Sorry that took so long. No idea if I owed you or not, I think I did, but who knows. If you want, you can read and bump one of mine (hymnal is new)... if I owed you, don't worry about it though. And sorry if I was harsh, just trying to help.

-zC
Last edited by ZanasCross at May 3, 2008,
#10
This thing is great! I've never really read/heard a song with the same kind of idea. Its awesome. also, i can tell that this is probably a true story. life experience makes songs all-the-more better. keep it up, man

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." - Jimi Hendrix
#11
the title was a highlight, but i did enjoy the actual piece as well.

i'll comeback tomorrow (pm me if not).
#12
This also has a quick and tacky ending that I'll definately work on, but I wonder if you think this is any better... I just had a quick work on it now. It needs another good overall edit, touch up, re write but I think there are some better ideas in it now (yeah, they need replacing and cementing together much better).

I can remember standing in the front room
Of one of your friend’s houses
In the early hours of the new millennium
Watching that guy strum some chords
And sing some of the most beautiful words I’d ever heard
You’d sung them to me a million times before
But you said this guy was an expert
You said he played like Bob did
Yet I didn’t get how this guy could be better than you
When you played straight to my ears
To keep me safe, drunk and happy

Five years later
And that guy was playing charity gigs
At veteran pubs
To total crowds of five
But the words he was churning out of his mouth
Had grown on me
And now they meant a hell of a lot more
I started understanding that
Fights split up the best of relationships
Yet sometimes they make you relish the good bits

My teenage years started to pass
I grew up, down and downright paranoid
Repressing the best bits of the past
Because I knew I’d never have the courage
To find my way back to them
But despite every bit of my strength
Trying to keep locks on my sensitive side
Sometimes, some things snook through

From two locked bedroom doors away
I heard those songs again
Being played to an audience of nil
But with a listener count of one
One lonely fourteen year old
Tearing herself up through the night
Listening to your voice singing
‘Don’t think twice, it’s alright’

And I still don’t have the courage
To let you know all of
Those wonderful things that I miss
But it’s all just a dream, babe
A vacuum, a scheme, babe
That sucks us in to feeling like this
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at May 8, 2008,
#13
Great job, I dig. Very similar style to what i wrote but you def. pulled it off better than I did. props
#14
Thankyou very much indeed. I'm actually quite proud of the updated version .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#15
i'm a sucker for these story-esque songs. i liked it tons. the only complaint is a really minor one. the line "to total crowds of five" came off kind of weird in my head, i think there could be something better there like "it was just elevator music to the barcrawlers" although that's way too long, but sorta the same idea that he's playing and no one's listening. just a suggestion, it's not really going to make or break the piece.

i loved this part:

Being played to an audience of nil
But with a listener count of one
One lonely fourteen year old
Tearing herself up through the night


that whole verse is great really, there's a climactic feel to it.

as soon as i started reading it i heard it in my head like a hold steady song (for some reason i thought of "chillout tent" or "stevie nix" even though they're nothing alike). seemed like a very similar style of writing. and i don't mean in a rip-off way, i mean it as a good, creative thing.

very impressed with it. and yeah, the updated version is exponentially better than the first one.
#DTWD
#16
Thanks loads for the wonderfully kind words! I'll have a think about that line, maybe changing it to something along the lines of 'post-jazz, lift music' but better .

This piece means a lot to me. I'm not good at being open. Thanks .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#17
i would have liked to see more depth to the characters to spice things up. there wasn't enough balance between the conversational, everyday kind of feel with some more clever phrasing, metaphors etc that could have been involved. i think you managed the storytelling pretty well but i feel there could have been more emotion portrayed, something that hit harder and left something in the reader's head to ponder on. the ending could have been more powerful.

sorry i didn't have much to say on this, having a hard time doing anything recently. remind me to get to your next one and hopefully i can do a little better.
#18
Fair enough, thanks for reading . The lack of emotion... even in the second one?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#19
it seems honest, but there's no punch in the face, kick in the teeth lines. it could do with something more gasp-worthy, in my opinion.
#20
I enjoyed this actually, and other things that I would say have already been said).

The only thing I could recommend (and this is generally in your writing, try messing around and see what happens) is to try experimenting different usages of punctuation to try and make things more interesting. Hyphens, brackets, semi colons, see how things work out. Usage of breaks might make things work and sound nicer

The only problem I had was this;

My teenage years started to pass
I grew up, down and downright paranoid
Repressing the best bits of the past
Because I knew I’d never have the courage
To find my way back to them
But despite every bit of my strength
Trying to keep locks on my sensitive side
Sometimes, some things snook through

The plunge sounded too quickly out of context and the flow isn't so great. Apart from that, it's all fine by me. I can't pick anything in particular about this stanza, it's just the general thing. Keep the basis, work around it and it'll be fine.

I liked the way I could relate to this as well, reminded me of a small personal hero of mine; www.myspace.com/alandhisguitar

Crit for crit?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=855593
Last edited by Craigo at May 8, 2008,
#21
^ Thanks very much for the crit .
I'll have a good read through, have another go at editing it and see what comes out of it. Try to get some good stand out lines and something singable.

[and that guy on myspace is great, realllyyy!]
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!